Every month that passes
Every year that goes by
I swear I feel less alive

All the bright colours of life
I once laid eyes upon
Are dispersing, with my hopes of living to see the next dawn

So I ask myself each day
Why oh why am i still here?
I think the answer now is clear

Nothing, nothing but fear

today i stepped outside into the overwhelming sunlight
the first breath since i accepted our end.
content i have been,
proud of my progression towards the state of being 'okay'
and out of nowhere
it flashed into my head,
the one memory of us i haven't shaken.
you,
me,
alone in our bedroom
bill haley blasting out of my record player
our hands entwined, twirling about the room,
eyes locked on each other
and your smile,
the holiest of smiles.
cracked wide to reveal your teeth,
uncontrolled laughter exploding outward
a snapshot in time
of innocence,
love,
what has been,
what will never be
but what was so
beautiful.

if hating me wills you to blossom
i will bear it
if cursing my very existence brings you unbridled happiness
i will take it
it being no such act of selflessness.

my heart hurts
hearing you speak of our love,
never being;
warm tears grace my cheek

i dont help
i only have a want for myself.
i dont care
you cry in front of me and i feel nothing.

what is selflessness?
i wish i knew.