Passing through the days in a sort of stream
Walking through the hallways like a movie
friends on either side
People to smile with at lunch
A person or two to send a wink.
A club and sport to participate in.

Its a delicate balance isn't it?
Like the average teenager,
nothing special at, almost boring.
But it's still a little gem of this thing called life.
Filled with all of those experiences that help us grow
and learn
and become

I have to be strong, smile through the tears
Everything is fine, don't worry I'll take care of it

I have to walk with confidence
even though I want to curl up in a corner
and fade from existence

Don't worry about me I just need a day to reset
Ill be fine I'm strong, I have to be
Unbreakable
A warrior
Tough

Gotta take care of others time for me later
Doesn't matter that I didn't eat for a week
That didn't show enough self control

It will never be enough
I can't cut parts of me out
I can't rid my hatred of myself
I can't stop becoming what I don't want to
I can't just get away from everyone

There's no escaping
I'm trapped

But I'm a warrior, a fighter.
There's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine

Even though I'm not healing fast enough

my mind in in contortion
thoughts swirl and dance
in endless random currents
there is no head nor tail to the madness

as i trying to grab hold of these thoughts
they flit away
and I am driven insane
trying to clasp onto thoughts
that cannot be caught

He used to be in the center of it all
always living in the moment,
Enjoying life in its very essence

Then he got a camera
changed himself and his name

Now he takes pictures if those in the center of attention
Taking amazing photos of those living life in its essence

Now he can't be found as he is hiding behind the camera
Disappearing into someone that is invited to parties for the photos

He has grown small and secluded into a view frame
One sees what he sees and does but not who he is

He is the boy behind the camera

Stormy blue eyes search the horizon from atop a parking garage
The storm despritely rages around the pupil as it searches for the sea
But alas, even eight stories up, endless towers block distant waves from the mixed blue
Yet they still search on, darting back and forth
Trying to find something tht matches the wavy blue eyes

I never realized I carried this little shadow
That awful mistakes from the past actually have consequences

I thought I was invincible before
that I could act and feel
and actually be above someone else

When in reality I was far below.

Thanks to these times when I had hurt others
with no immediate punishment

I suffer now
By being closed off
to all those wonderful people
That I broke apart for pleasure

Sitting atop my perch the wind howls on
While some might find it annoying
as it whips around their hair
It is a comforting feeling for me
As the others move behind glass
I stand until I am alone

Just me and the wind
and the rushing cars below

I need to cry, shout out in frustration
That would bring attention in the city streets
and I cannot set a bad example in my uniform
I have to quietly walk these halls with a smile
As an internal storm rages on

There is a dangerous aspect of summer

Some friends may leave for a while
and there is so much time to think of those that remain

I wish I had work today
even school sounds nice

Anything to keep my mind off of you.

With the coming of summer is the coming of time
Time to really think,
To open your heart and turn off your brain

But it's my brain that has saved my heart
I don't need another thing broken

So I stand in the tiny crowd
That wishes school would come quickly

A toddler is a giant when standing on the highest surface in a playground.
Later, reaching the top branch of a tree means a child has reached the top of their world.
Now I'm sitting on top of 12 story building and can see the tops I thousands of trees.
Shouldn't I feel like I own the world? Like everything is tiny in comparison to me?

It doesn't. Instead I feel small and so unimportant.
I can't go any higher. There is just an empty sky above.

I guess that is the result of being above what you really are.

We love to think we are fine
To live in an illusion of happiness

Something's beneath all that
I'm functioning properly,
I think...
At least to everyone else
At nights it comes out,
Or in.

I can feel everything inside collapse
nothing holding me together
no support beams, not even will.

The interior is deteriorating
Rotten beam by beam
the shell cracking.

It's only a matter of time
until the exterior crumbles

I know I don't care
It's understood that this wont matter
that in three years this will be a stupid memory

But it still hurts when I try to talk
and you turn away
when I'm trying to be nice
and I'm simply shrugged off

I understand I'm intense
I get that I'm a huge part of the fun

But I'm more then that
Just no one wants to see it

A better time
and a sunburn later

Things aren't good here
but I have nowhere else to go

Time to tie on my shoes
and hit the road again

There's no point in trying
when there's no reward

The bubble is about to burst
I've got two more days left

Then all the good times,
every part of the facade

Will dissipate
and I will be left
alone again

Waiting for the next bubble
to keep me afloat

Nothing turns out the way you expect
No matter how well you plan,
things are going to happen

We fall in and out of love
(Or is it just fascination?)
We achieve great heights and we fall
(Were we ever where we thought we were anyways?)
The world will turn your life around
(For better or worse, we do not know)

But we can always trust
that in the midst of pain and suffering
of surprises and set backs

There is a beautiful life being lived
how could it be anything but?
It is our own

A minuscule hope
pulsing slowly inside

It was stupid, I know
but can you blame me?
Not often does someone come along
that constantly surprises me
but just a little

It was stupid, I know
to think that I was special
that somehow i would be considered
I don't know, worthy?
or at least equal to her.

It was stupid, I know
Not that this is a new experience
I should have known better then to let
that tiny hope pulse
I'm used to putting it to sleep
it's all right

Closing eyes to sleep
it's already late for a school night
but the brain is starting to whirl

then the realization.

Already ****** up?
that was known

Never was it known
how deep the damage was,
the fact the past will affect the future

Curling up under blankets
that are too hot

The tears fall

I've never been okay with someone being as close to me
as I am letting you be
ever since nine years ago.

I think I'm ready to start letting that go now
I will always be ruined
a damaged painting
but you are here and you are much closer
then anyone else has been since

The moment someone is born, they open the door to reality.
Even the smallest crack, and it gives way to a torrent of lights.
Each little light will surround you,
consume you,
become you.

Over time, you become invisible.
All anyone can see is the lights around you.

These lights, these ideas, these thoughts
They are not your own.
They are of the world,
more than willing to force them upon you.

You can try to shut that door,
to contain the current of lights.

but have you ever tried to stop a huge wave from crashing in?

This complex rages my mind

even as you are always there

it becomes a battle of mind over body

When you left you kicked in a little crack
which slowly spread out
Like a car window shield in an accident
set in slow motion
and soon the whole glass was webbed and white

then it started to fall in
first a tiny shard,
a splinter of doubt

now its all falling in
pelting the driver with sharp glass
as he throws his arms up to protect his face

A few pieces of the window shield will remain at the edges
but it can no longer fulfill it's purpose.

That little crack destroyed it all.

Once sitting side by side
in a room of doom
laughing at the mistakes of others
groaning at the cheesy jokes

Full of smiles from inside jokes
a constant want to talk
The feeling of friendship I've been missing

No longer

The big fat drops came falling down
A soaking my hair
my shirt and bare arms

Shoes splashed in the forming puddles
seeping in to my feet

Awareness of each drop
willing every splash to become absorbed into my skin

I could have stood in the rain for hours
even as the drop turned into a torrent

Just stood there
being a part of the rain

becoming no one,
just an object between the clouds above and the ground below

Accepting the drops
as they ran down around me

The expectations were high,
the nerves were about to explode

But I was ready.

This is what I had trained for
Even if I got my time from last year
I would be fine, it would be good.

But it wasn't

I tried so hard but my legs didn't want to listen
My throat wouldn't let air into my lungs
My mind was ready to give up.

When he told me the time with sigh

I wanted to curl up in a corner
To never show my face in public again,
not even to my 'understanding' friends

All that was for nothing
I wasn't what I thought I was

I am a failure

I'm so done
with the lies
ignorance
the avoidance of reality.

Wake up, seriously.
None of this will matter years from now
not even a month from now.

I don't want to play the games
nor fight against something superficial

I just want to go where life takes me
and join or be joined by others on the way.

Not get caught up in this tangle
and become trapped trying to straighten it all.

Let me live on my own
If you want to join me, fine.

Just don't **** up my life.

Sometimes a moment can change your mind
when you are ready to give up,
a good moment can make you continue on
because of the people that made that moment special

Then later when you have changed your mind
because of that one moment
you may find ou that moment meant nothin to those involved
That you meaned nothing and the momen was forgettable.

That's one of the worst feelings of all.
That something you thought was special
Really meant nothing

Let me stow away in your bag.
I'll stay in the baggage area for the flight,
I won't mind the lack of space.

When the bags are all claimed I would leave
I wouldn't know where,
but I would have a few bills in my pocket
A passport just in case.

Europe would be open.
I could find a job somewhere
maybe waiting tables to cleaning.

All the money earned would go towards rent and food
nothing left over for goign to the movies or eating out.
But I wouldn't care.

I would be on my own
I would be in Europe

I wouldn't be here

My friends.
They used to help me
Expand my imagination
explore new worlds
maybe learn something on the way.

But now my friends are a crutch
They help pull me away from this broken world
instead of taking in a new imagination
I sprint through the different worlds
hungry for more, more, more
My friends keep feeding me release
and I keep needing more

More and more places to run to
worlds that can me only mine for a short time

Places to escape to

Anywhere is fine

Anywhere but here

I'm exploring this new landscape everyday
and everyday I find something new

Every crevasse of your personality
Each word you say

Your blue eyes...

and open smile

I may not like what I end up finding
but this journey of discovery
is a change in pace
and new and exciting adventure

Come join me
and maybe what I will find

Is happiness

Everyday is spent fighting against the current.

Then we are expected to spend a few more hours
treading water

But it's good for us because it's in a different sea, right?

Wrong

This forced trial is one we never wanted to be entered in
And it's wearing us down.

No one sees the aching muscles, the half-dead eyes.
Can't they see that this is slowly killing us?
Killing our spirit, our joy of life.

I'm tired.
Not angry.
I have no energy to be anymore.
We all fight hard at first until we realize,
you cannot hurt water, it will not change for anyone.

Unless we are allowed to put our feet on land

We are just going to waste away in the current

slowly drowning as we are  swept away

So maybe I don't need to have it all figured out all ready.
Apparently I'm not the only one trying to grab a future.

I was so sure that high school would have solidified my dreams
instead it messed up my mind, and what I thought I wanted.

Once I step back and really look at everyone flowing through the halls
it become evident that I'm not the only one that is confused.

Maybe it's alright that I don't know what I'm doing
that I want to stop this rushing train before it runs into a wall.

But then again

I've been wrong before

The walls keep turning to sand around me
I try to hold the crumbling pieces up
but they slip through my blistering fingers

Every fiber of my being is working
trying to force the walls around me to stay up.

Human bodies are not meant to support heavy rocks and heavy sand

Even though everyone knows it is physically impossible
I'm still expected to support the world around me

And I'm failing in the eyes of the world
I can't hold up my world as they sit on it
shaking their heads at my failure

They only see letters and test scores
Not me.

They will never see me.


They don't care if they don't.

I'm so alone
drowning in my own thoughts

While they gossip and act their age
I listen
While letting my mind digest the mysteries of life

When did I become so old?
So detached from what it means to act my age.

Normal conversations for me involve the future.
They are so normal - gossiping and joking around

So isolated among my own age group
What am I doing with my life? With the now?

I really should be in bed
Letting dreams taking me to different realities

But there's a fire in the living room
and the flames are dancing to a silent song

So I stay awake staring at the flickering light
Trying to listen to a song with no melody

Yesterday I held a ladybug in my hand

Picked it up from where it was,
vulnerable on the floor of the church

The music around seemed to fade away
as I stared at the little ladybug,
hoping it was alive

It didn't move but I held it in my hand still
as I prayed that someday live would work out
praying that God would be there to hold me when times got tough.

And that little ladybug started moving in my hand
Safe from foreign feet that would **** it.

I know this is silly

But I saw myself in that ladybug.

I am this little vulnerable creature
Yet God holds me in the palm of His hand.  

And I know...

I

Am

Safe

Where do I belong on this scetchy line?

Laying here all I am aware of is a stomach
Singing in my room I imagine myself a perfect star
Getting ready for an event
all I see is flaws blinding my view of the mirror
Ready to go out and have fun I only feel confident
Walking with perfection passing me
and I feel like I'm a a grape in a box of raisins
I decide not to care how I look to others
Then I see a magazine shamming a beautiful woman

Someday I will find peace with myself

By then will I be skinny and beautiful?
Or will I be actually happy with the way I am?

Another evening
of
sore forearms
aching shoulders
blistered fingers
a back that demands to be cracked.

All this work will be worth it

The late nights staying doing squats

They will pay off in time

I will never be skinny,
never be the politically correct form of "beauty"

But I can always be strong
and someday I will stand up and know
that I have reached my goal
and am the very best I can be

The glimmer of the ocean

Rush of the trees

Grandness of a mountain above

We all have our dreams
Destinations and paradises in our hearts.

Many of us may see a place as were they belong
even though they have never been there

Despite knowing it may not be for me
My dream is a small cottage by a bay in Maine

Silly isn't it?

These little dreams are what we hold on to
as motivation, something to keep us going

Wether they are ever realized or not
They become a part of who we are

A little fantasy no one can take away

Another attempt
a few more hours in the gym
a few skipped meals

but

more snacking
more unhealthy food
more failure

I can never be who I want to be
I can't be the best I can
Because I'm already straining the ropes.

Talking to you is the best therapy
even if you don't respond I feel better
because you always understand
and if you don't, you try to.

And I appreciate that

Thank you

You make everything better

She stands there in the corner
hunched and scared
Looking like she is standing at the edge of a crevasse
and something evil is getting closer to pull
her little confidence apart

Does she not see?
She is beautiful
Every pound that she hates
Is unnoticable
When she smiles the room lights up
When she talks everything seems good

Come and join us
and do not be afraid
No one judges here

One guy says goodbye with a casual, "I love you!"
Knowing it makes me feel like I belong

Another leaves with just a smile,
both of us thinking if a inside joke

He leaves with nothing more than looking the other way
Who knows what he thinks

I need you right here by my side
to just hold me and let me know its okay.

To reassure me it was not my fault.
I can't tell anyone right now

But you would know the story
and all my regret

I need you right here by my side
to hold me and tell me it was not my fault

They tell me I'm ready,
that some how I'm going to go out there
all alone
and make a wonderful life for myself


What if I'm not ready?
I don't even know what I want yet
let alone what I need

They say I'm ready
so I must be...right?

Yes, this world is kinda boring
Yes, it often *****

But this is the world you live in
this is the world you are a part of

You can be a part of fantasies
But they aren't your life
As much as you want to be in them
You are not
and you never can be


Get a grip in the world you are stuck in
Because that us your real life

First of all, if you have to steal pieces of other people's lives to make yourself feel good with reactions, I'm sorry for you.
Second: these poems are people's lives, their hearts and for many the only way of being heard. And you are stooping low enough to take that from them. Shame on you.
Third: if you will steal something like poetry, then who knows what else you steal from others. You will never be your own person and never feel personal accomplishment

Lastly:

*******

She's a small soul in a tiny glass jar.
the insults, the bruises
they come pouring in

She cannot fight back
There is no way to escape

Talk to others?
What would that do but bring pity

Screaming loud but no one hears
Nothing leaves the glass jar
as the insults and bruises keep coming

Bright shining lights, endless chorus of laughter and voices
she smiles as she leaves
walking under the huge sparkling chandelier on her way out
The oak doors swing shut behind her and


silence


The snow slowly, soundlessly drifts down
she imagines she hears traffic in the distance
but that is just the roar of the party still ringing in her ears

There is nothing but faded footprints and her alcohol tinted breath
the cloud blending in with the scene

She takes a deep breath that seems oddly loud
and she walks towards the waiting car
long black coat trailing behind her

You tell me no,
a life moving every four or so years
is the worst time.

But you don't get it.
I'm not planning this with the conscious knowledge
that it would uproot my children
like you were growing up

Because I don't want kids in the torn world
and moving is good for me.
I make too many mistakes to stay in a place too long

Even here I have worn my welcome