fire between my fingers
rain splashing in through the
crack in the window.
even though we smoked after we made
love i still crave
tobacco bursting into
my lungs
but i promise
you are enough
to always knock the wind out of me.

twenty is looming over me as a shadow does the field
i feel its chill on the tips of my
hairs
my brain keeps thinking
aheadfuturetomorrowwherewillibein5years?
and my heart keeps telling it to calm down.
f ocus on t o da y.
my brain won’t let go so my heart
speedsupandupandup
with all the thoughts occurring at once.

i can’t keep up.

caught in the wind
stuck in a levy
always on the border of
in between.

you are
an anchor
a brick house to call home
always pulling me down when
my kite strings start to drift too far away

fidgeting is my specialty
if there was an Olympic competition for anxiously
biting nails to the bone,
I would take the gold.

my biggest fears revolve around
other humans;
talking on the phone is like piloting
a fighter plane towards the city
and you know it is proven
you will crash into a skyscraper
with a hundred different daycare centers
within its walls.
I know that's a terrible thing
but now you know how I feel.

I have this disability,
the ever-present feeling of fear
radiating from my core to my tips.
Its un-ignorable,
i can't wait to wake up one day
and not remember what it is like
to want to go back to bed and hide.

Bless these ******* mornings
After getting a mere 3 and a quarter hours of sleep
Not only does the sunshine wake me up,
    There's also the lingering scent of cat **** in the air
And my boyfriend's elbow in my face
Or it’s the sound of him almost knocking the **** over
    That probably shouldn’t have been left on the nightstand
In his sleep.

Bless these ******* days.
The ones where I can't seem to get enough sleep; and later that same evening
I work for another 6 hours.
Then there's class, which depending if I skip or not usually takes up most of my afternoon.

The weather is getting colder and like the insects in the coming months, my motivation will die.
The snow will bring the sadness, I'm sure of it.
The holidays once again always ensue with the worst
of my anxieties, some of my repressed events and feelings
start to materialize
and even though I have time before this passes
I am wracking my brain thinking about it
exciting my nerves and wearing myself out.
and this is just all too much for me -
how will I survive?