I feel like a loser stuck on the same level of life
Dying on the same exact part time after time again
Retry retry retry
I remember retry more fluently than my own name
Just wanted to be someone
Mean "special" in another's heart
Instead I received a dagger in my own
As the blood spills in circle around me
Forming a barrier I cannot cross
I stand, because I don't believe I deserve to sit
Absorbing the hatred towards myself
For becoming this being that I am not
What was I thinking when I decided to follow through with this plan
I realized it was wrong so long ago but it was a simpler time
Back than I was ignorant to the fact on what life really was
That it wasn't about being liked
It wasn't about being everyone's favorite
Now that I know the truth nothing is the same
I look upon my hands screaming fake at the top my lungs
I am fake, this is not who I am
It's too late for me though
Cause though I realize that this not who I am it is too late turn back
Not that there is a back to turn to
All I see is a trail of ashes because I burnt the real me out of existence
I don't even remember what I look like behind the mask
How could of been so blind
Now I cry in my sleep as attempt to remove the mask
Knowing that it is permanently glued to my face
For it is now my face
Because my true face has dissolved to waste

It is not
a mere game for two
nor a feeling
that comes on queue

It is not
a solution to boredom
nor a decision
at random

It is not
something to throw around
but it is
to uphold and be crowned

for love
is a promise
kept by two
to be kept forever
if it is true

it is a precious gift
to another
and once given,
we are left to ponder.

The funny thing is
It didn't take a kiss
Or even a hug

You didn't have to smile
Or make me laugh

I liked you from the moment
You opened your eyes
And looked into mine

It was only a moment
But it felt like a century

All of a sudden
Locked in the gaze
I knew exactly who you were

it's being alone
it's being judged
by shallow people
who think my worth negatively correlates
with my pant size

it's knowing that isn't true
but secretly thinking I deserve this
as if somehow my outsides reflect my insides
it's being so concerned with making myself better
that I'm making myself worse

it means I have to try harder
to be better at school
to make more people laugh
because I can't rely on looks
I can't just be me
because my fat defines me

the rain beats on the windows.
the rain beats on the ground.
the thoughts come to the surface.
as my heart falls to the ground.

learn
   to
     forgive
      





















y o u r s e l f,
      First

I cannot find
my peace of mind,
the weight of which crushes me
and I know not where I am again.

Like being so far away from home,
the smell of clothes
takes me back to the
last time I was in them.

I trace these thoughts
as I trace the curve of your spine-
immaculate ridges like the ride of
the cobblestones on your porch.

I find my solace
in the perfect arches of your shoulders
like the hold of the hearth
that keeps me warm.

I stow my secrets
into the unbreakable weave of your ribs,
safe and sound into the vault
of your tireless heart.

And dreams I dream
to the lullaby
of your ebb and flow
heartbeat.