to be
     alive

to be
     free of the pain

to be
     rid of my sorrows

to be
     released from my chains

to be
     filled with joy

to be
     unrelenting towards the pursuit of fulfillment

God, my God, fill me with you so that I can just simply
        
             be

hi. my name is ❁✿❀❀✿❁. but you can call me:

unloved     not enough     never enough     unworthy     invisible
unimportant     weak     filthy     used     disgusting     pathetic
stupid     depressing     bossy     ungrateful     hairy     flimsy     stupid

oh the list, it goes on & on.
you can call me these because at one point someone made me feel as if those titles defined me:
          unloved, stupid, weak.

hi. my name is ❁✿❀❀✿❁. i was once a little six year old girl,
          with aspirations to become.
simply becoming a great me.

i dreamed of fulfilling a purpose- of standing for something meaningful.

though the dreams are still there, the names placed upon my identity over time have weighed me down like an anchor.

thirteen years later, i sit in a crowded coffee shop peeling off weight after weight of labels placed upon my heart- words that i have tried so hard not to believe.

hi. my name is ❁✿❀❀✿❁. you can call me whatever it is you please, but do know that the six year old me still lives on, daring you to say what you want. she is still fighting. & winning, i hope.

she is the face of every daughter
every hope and dream of a little girl, bundled into one.
so say and title me as you will.

hi. my name is ❁✿❀❀✿❁. but you can call me: free.
          free of those words- those weights, you once tied to me.

There is little here
in this sun-scaped city
to press a frown onto my face.
I feel free
I've lost ten pounds
my skin is smooth
I bought new fashionable clothes
and I laugh more than ever before,
and that is what people see,
will amber annex buster dani skyla rashid duane kiki chase adrianna
all these new people
who laugh at my funny name
only see this happy smiling girl
who is kind and quick to help
and make jokes
and dance
and offer advice
and yet despite the freedom I feel
it comes with equal parts guilt.
have I ever smiled so much before?
The me people meet now is so new to me
it feels like a lie
it's nice of you to ask me on a date
but how could I tell you the horrors of my past?
with all this smiling
you'd never believe the years of frowns and tears
no one would think to look for the lines where you can see my burn scars
they wouldn't look at my differently
when I trace old bruises
they don't think
to be careful when touching me
they don't have a clue
and it's all I've ever wanted
to have people think nothing is wrong
for me to be like the other girls,
but now that that's what people see,
my smiles though real
make me feel like I'm lying to everyone around me.

The regret of the mourners,
Eons of gratitude not-shown to the living.  
The false happiness of the greedy,
The unknown joy of contentment.

You were alone,
But not lonely.
Another was lonely and alone.
You both craved for more.


Now I hear the hurt in your laughter;
Now I see the pain in your smile.
Now I see the courage that you fly;
And I hope that one day you will be alright.

its been six months
since you said you no longer loved me

its been five months
since you said one more kiss couldn't hurt

its been four months
since we last spoke of hope and truth

its been three months
since you began moving on*

its been two months
since you said you would call

its been a month
since i learned of your poisoned heart


& yet i've spent every night closing my eyes
                 only to dream of your blue ones