I am
Different
Weird
Strange
Eccentric
A nerd
Or geek
But I accept that
It took a while
But I do
So whenever you use this as an insult
Just remember
I will take it as a compliment
This is me
How I describe myself
My adjectives

Drown me.
Smother my bones.
But you will not destroy,
The depth of my soul.

Suffocate me.
Choke my skin.
But you will not obliterate,
All my sins.

Watch me.
Drink in all,
But please do not,
Facilitate the fall.

I ignore the lingering feeling of loss when I see your face, when we chatter away like nothing ever changed, when the echos of your laughter play in my head again
I ignore the feeling until someone lays it out in front of me in perfect words,
Heart-shattering reminder.
Even then,
You weren't really mine.
You have always been a bird in wide skies and I do want to see you fly
But I am flightless.
Reminder-
We must grow from our past
Not run back to it.
Nostalgia can be such a sweet-tasting poison.
I feel it eat away at me now.

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
Empty gas tanks,
Empty cigarette packs,
Empty paint bottles,
Empty minds,
Empty hearts

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burying them in the back of my mind to form some kind of understanding of why things are the way that they are,
Why people don't finish what they started,
Why hearts continuously ache and break at the smaller things,
Why her father never loved her mother enough to stay around to see her grow up,
At least he isn't around to see her laying in the hospital bed,
At least he isn't around to see her struggle with the thought of why her father never loved her enough

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
This absence is dizzying,
Pitch black,
Pitch black,
Swallowed by the memories of agony,
Every moment awake is a moment my God should've never breathed into me,
My god, I never should've let your breath fill my lungs

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burry them all, burry them all,
Give me some sense of dignity,
Don't let me slip on the souls of the broken,
Don't let me become one,

Over a lifetime, I never loved her

I remember the first time I saw the glare of a sunrise on your eyes,
Everything was beautiful, even the cracks of the sidewalk

We stayed up all night digging to lay cement, everything was so perfect,
Little did either of us know that we left space in the cracks for weeds to grow

You shined into me and out from my joints sprouted flowers,
They were lavender and lilac; it was always hard to tell the difference between them because of their color

As time went on, not everything stayed as beautiful as it once was,
My flowers wilted and frowned, and so did I,
Weeds took over and wrapped my body in vines, suffocating me with my own breath,
Not being able to catch a glimpse of what's eating you up inside is like watching a flower get trampled on without being able to do anything about it

A year and a day later and I am lying on the sidewalk by my house with lilacs in my hands, finally realizing the difference between lavender and lilac