I force open my crusted eyes
and wipe the blood from my face
while I wonder how long I was gone this time.
I shake the cobwebs from my knees
and straighten my broken spine.
My heart is laying on the floor in front of me,
the ***** meant to be keeping me alive
has only been the very cause of my demise.
I fix myself and allow myself to heal one last time,
I will never die for anyone else again.

when you hear the initial news
whether you throw your head back and wail to the heavens
or if you choose to mourn in silence
Please forgive me,
each time my thought brings tears
or ruins your mood for the day
Please forgive me,
when you question yourself over and over
wondering if you did enough
Please,
just be glad you got a chance to meet me
and if you cannot forgive me
I can forgive you for that

I am often only able to be handled in small doses,
too much of me and you’ll OD,
                       get sick from me.
I come on too rapidly, too brutally to be managed by most,
                      Hardly by any.
I cause a pit to form in the depths of your stomach,
                       you feel queasy.
I am the lump that blocks your air passage,                    
                       you can’t breathe.
You choke on me and the only way to fix it is to spit me out,
                       rid yourself of me.

Poison girl,
who got in your head,
why are hurting and wishing you were dead.
sickly girl,
why is your head so cruel.
why does it make you hate and follow its rules.
vile girl,
why are you starving yourself.
being thin and dying won’t bring you wealth.
putrid girl,
why don’t you see all that you gave,
you didn’t deserve this pain or such an early grave.

I’ll tell you I have been crying
for the last three hours
and the thing is
I was so strong for so long
that it was just one small incident
which caused me to crack
and now that I’ve cracked,
I can only continue to crumble
until I become the nothing
I’ve always thought i was

Is the sky really the limit
or did I just lose too many feathers
before I could manage to get off the ground?

Yesterday I almost told you
how I was ready to die
I’ve been ready but
I haven’t said it out loud
then the conversation turned
to you away from me as it does
but that’s okay
I finally feel free

How do you tell the people
who love you the most
that you don’t want to be here anymore
How do you say,
I promise it’s not you or your fault,
there is just so much pain.  
How do you look them in the eyes
and apologize for not being strong enough,
for not being able to make it to
your own wedding or your college graduation.
How do you tell them you never
planned on making it to them
in the first place.
All I can offer them is an
I’m sorry, I love you.
Thank you for loving me more than I could myself

You often paint bruises across my skin,
your brush choice varying,
some more brutal than others.
Anger,
Your greatest inspiration,
guiding you as you lay each new little component,
creating a masterpiece.

Now, I often draw precision lines across my skin,
My utensil is quite unalike yours.
Anguish,
My greatest inspiration,
Guiding me closer and closer to masterpiece of my own.

I think I watched the moon more than the road tonight.
I suppose I can’t blame the stars for being
so distracting.
My mind tends to wander and all I can
do is beg the constellations to kindly weave
themselves between my fingers and help
guide the steering wheel.
I need a few moments to gather myself and
tuck these intruding thoughts back in their
places- now is not the time.

How have I managed to lose myself so utterly and completely
One day I stopped, and I just looked
but I was no longer there

Being a dreamer
has ruined my reality
I’ve always spent quite a bit of time in my head
painting pictures of what life should be,
what life should feel like
Now as an adult I am constantly moving around to new homes in new places
forever unsatisfied by what I see and what I do not feel
I fear I will never find what I am searching for,
As I know my dreams cannot be reality

Blood stained hips
Trembling lips
I caress the edge
longing for its touch
I slowly sink its teeth into my skin
soft flesh parting once again
I promised myself last time
would be the last time
But how can there be a last time
when the pain is endless

I am tired
of being sick and tired
but I will accept
one last stretch of being
sick and tired
if it means I finally get to rest

I’ve left myself with two options,
both offering a way out for me
The only difference being
who I hurt in the process

And I look out the window
the sun is out for the first time in too long
The cold shies away just the slightest bit
as I allow relief to fill my chest
Relief has always been something
that brings me closest to joy
It allows me to think and to breath
to remember that I deserve some care too
The sunshine melts the snow and washes away some of my worries
Even if only for a short while

I’ve given up on trying to save myself
I know I will not attempt to climb
from the depths I’ve become trapped in
and I have accepted that arms
will not be extended into a hole
as deep as this one
while already knowing
I’m just too far to reach

I am a girl,
Living in a hollowed out shell.
My shell used to be full,
Of love for both myself and others.
I am a girl,
Controlled by a brain so cruel,
My mind used to find the beauty in things,
But now only finds the ugly in me.
I am a girl,
My life used to be worth living but I am no longer convinced,
Conflicted on staying alive while wanting to be dead.
I was a girl.

you can’t keep chewing me up and spitting me out until you get the flavor you want.

They ask me,
How do you live like this?
I live like this because I do not choose to,
Because I am a slave to my thoughts that are trying to **** me.
How can you destroy your body?
I can destroy myself because the hatred runs so deep it feels deserved.
I need to self destruct in order to feel okay.
How do you sleep at night?
I don’t sleep at night. I am haunted by my fears and the uncomfortableness in my own body.
How can you hurt those around you?
I do not choose to hurt those around me.
I love them but they no longer see me the same, bridges burned and trust broken.
I live in a prison and I am the creator.
Leave me to build my walls as I’m swallowed whole.

Even when the apple does fall far from the tree, that doesn’t mean it isn’t bruised on the way down.

They call you crazy
but I know you’re just lost
Choice
Is the word they use to describe your actions
“Why did she choose to leave her kids”
“Why can’t she choose to put down the bottle”
But I promise mom,
I promise you’re not crazy
because I feel it too
I’m not sure how we got here
or how we will manage to get back
but I promise we will find peace one day
and we will do it together

The words are seeping from my pores tonight,
Overflowing with sorrow, grief, too many things left unheard.

I know everyone says that misery loves company
But so do I.
Misery gives me something to think about,
no matter how terrible it may make me feel.
She keeps my mind occupied
While Making sure I’m never alone.
Misery takes my hand and leads me away from here,  
Sometimes we get lost,
Sometimes on purpose,
I don’t always know the way through my head like she does.
I know befriending misery is what keeps me from moving forward,
But honestly, having someone that feels like a friend is
enough

They say the devil don’t judge but I’ve met him and have never felt harsher judgement.

You ask me what I dream about at night
and all I say is that I do not remember
Because the things that appear to me
in my sleep
are better left at rest,
even if I will be seeing them again tonight.

I am not sure who infected who,
all I know is we are only rotting together

If you keep treating me as a poison,
I will only consume myself entirely.

And I know that
if I begged my mom to talk to me
before I killed myself,
she still wouldn’t pick up

You’ve helped me learn to be alone.

Sobriety
has brought me a clearer head
for all my thoughts to fill

And that is why I hate it

I have begun to see myself
as someone who is labeled a burden
but I do not think that is reality
it is only how those around me
have made me feel
all I am really asking is be cared about.
I know I cannot lift myself up
or convince my mind that today
will be a good day,
and if I can’t do that for me it will be
impossible to do it for another
so I have learned that sick people
cannot take care of sick people
because no matter how hard we try
we are all just a little too tired

I want to tear apart my skin to show you how ugly I am on the inside.
I want to show you the face behind this shell.
I want you to catch a glimpse of the voices and what they tell me
              Disgusting, shame, pig
I want to remove my eyeballs so you can see what I see.
I want to show you the teeth that eat away at my being.
I want to see you shudder as the demons seep from my pores.
             Can’t get away, poison

reminiscing of screeching tires,
shattering glass,
my head hitting the windshield
..seatbelts do save lives I guess
why am I disappointed?

Why is it you who makes this suffering
taste that much sweeter?

Tired of always getting lost in my thoughts,
and always in thoughts that make me feel lost.

You can either choose to be ashamed of me,
or be glad you at least got the chance to meet me.

Sometimes I do wish
you could hear just
how dangerous this
silence can be.

I’m in love with an angel
one who lit the entire night sky even when she couldn’t see the light herself
her heart held love
for every living thing except herself
I guess maybe she just ran out of space  
this angel would fight for you or for me
every opportunity she got
but she never stood a chance in saving herself

They left me to rot,
then called to ask how I was doing.

I was born into a world that clipped wings and barred windows.
The people around me littered the air
with false hope and promises.
They told me they would be there no matter what,
help me no matter what I needed.
Little did I know it was all a fallacy.
They were not there to hold my hand
when I stepped on the scale for the first time,
then each day that followed.
They were not there to pluck the blade
from my fingers after I discovered its release.
They were not there to wipe my tears and hold my head up
each night when I collapsed.
I want to believe they tried to offer support
and be there when I needed them most,
but is that true?
I do not want them to be half in with their half hearts-
leave me to my vices and let me cope
in a way that I know I cant trust.

At what point in my life did I decide that after being born into pain, it is the life I must choose forever?

I often wonder where and who I would be
if I finally chose to abandon my usual methods of coping
would I be doing better?
would I be here at all?

You broke my heart into a thousand pieces,
and all I could think about was how I could make you feel better

It is on regretful nights such as these
that not even the moon will show me her face

There is so little of me left,
and yet so many holes to fill.
Will I ever be whole?

I can’t seem to shake
This bleakness,
the fog that has inhabited my brain.
I like to think that sometimes for days,
even weeks at a time
clouds will cover the sun,
Yet it still shines brighter than anything else
I pray my clouds will part
and allow the sun to kiss my skin once again
I just need to keep in mind that
the sun can hurt people too

At what point does this all become a willful dive to the bottom.
I can’t be blameless forever,
right?
RIGHT?

...and I tuck myself away again.

My music only gets slower
and my lyrics sadder
just as I do