I force open my crusted eyes
and wipe the blood from my face
while I wonder how long I was gone this time.
I shake the cobwebs from my knees
and straighten my broken spine.
My heart is laying on the floor in front of me,
the ***** meant to be keeping me alive
has only been the very cause of my demise.
I fix myself and allow myself to heal one last time,
I will never die for anyone else again.

when you hear the initial news
whether you throw your head back and wail to the heavens
or if you choose to mourn in silence
Please forgive me,
each time my thought brings tears
or ruins your mood for the day
Please forgive me,
when you question yourself over and over
wondering if you did enough
Please,
just be glad you got a chance to meet me
and if you cannot forgive me
I can forgive you for that

I am often only able to be handled in small doses,
too much of me and you’ll OD,
                       get sick from me.
I come on too rapidly, too brutally to be managed by most,
                      Hardly by any.
I cause a pit to form in the depths of your stomach,
                       you feel queasy.
I am the lump that blocks your air passage,                    
                       you can’t breathe.
You choke on me and the only way to fix it is to spit me out,
                       rid yourself of me.

Poison girl,
who got in your head,
why are hurting and wishing you were dead.
sickly girl,
why is your head so cruel.
why does it make you hate and follow its rules.
vile girl,
why are you starving yourself.
being thin and dying won’t bring you wealth.
putrid girl,
why don’t you see all that you gave,
you didn’t deserve this pain or such an early grave.

I’ll tell you I have been crying
for the last three hours
and the thing is
I was so strong for so long
that it was just one small incident
which caused me to crack
and now that I’ve cracked,
I can only continue to crumble
until I become the nothing
I’ve always thought i was

Is the sky really the limit
or did I just lose too many feathers
before I could manage to get off the ground?

Yesterday I almost told you
how I was ready to die
I’ve been ready but
I haven’t said it out loud
then the conversation turned
to you away from me as it does
but that’s okay
I finally feel free

How do you tell the people
who love you the most
that you don’t want to be here anymore
How do you say,
I promise it’s not you or your fault,
there is just so much pain.  
How do you look them in the eyes
and apologize for not being strong enough,
for not being able to make it to
your own wedding or your college graduation.
How do you tell them you never
planned on making it to them
in the first place.
All I can offer them is an
I’m sorry, I love you.
Thank you for loving me more than I could myself

You often paint bruises across my skin,
your brush choice varying,
some more brutal than others.
Anger,
Your greatest inspiration,
guiding you as you lay each new little component,
creating a masterpiece.

Now, I often draw precision lines across my skin,
My utensil is quite unalike yours.
Anguish,
My greatest inspiration,
Guiding me closer and closer to masterpiece of my own.

I think I watched the moon more than the road tonight.
I suppose I can’t blame the stars for being
so distracting.
My mind tends to wander and all I can
do is beg the constellations to kindly weave
themselves between my fingers and help
guide the steering wheel.
I need a few moments to gather myself and
tuck these intruding thoughts back in their
places- now is not the time.

How have I managed to lose myself so utterly and completely
One day I stopped, and I just looked
but I was no longer there

Being a dreamer
has ruined my reality
I’ve always spent quite a bit of time in my head
painting pictures of what life should be,
what life should feel like
Now as an adult I am constantly moving around to new homes in new places
forever unsatisfied by what I see and what I do not feel
I fear I will never find what I am searching for,
As I know my dreams cannot be reality

Blood stained hips
Trembling lips
I caress the edge
longing for its touch
I slowly sink its teeth into my skin
soft flesh parting once again
I promised myself last time
would be the last time
But how can there be a last time
when the pain is endless

I am tired
of being sick and tired
but I will accept
one last stretch of being
sick and tired
if it means I finally get to rest

I’ve left myself with two options,
both offering a way out for me
The only difference being
who I hurt in the process

And I look out the window
the sun is out for the first time in too long
The cold shies away just the slightest bit
as I allow relief to fill my chest
Relief has always been something
that brings me closest to joy
It allows me to think and to breath
to remember that I deserve some care too
The sunshine melts the snow and washes away some of my worries
Even if only for a short while

I’ve given up on trying to save myself
I know I will not attempt to climb
from the depths I’ve become trapped in
and I have accepted that arms
will not be extended into a hole
as deep as this one
while already knowing
I’m just too far to reach

I am a girl,
Living in a hollowed out shell.
My shell used to be full,
Of love for both myself and others.
I am a girl,
Controlled by a brain so cruel,
My mind used to find the beauty in things,
But now only finds the ugly in me.
I am a girl,
My life used to be worth living but I am no longer convinced,
Conflicted on staying alive while wanting to be dead.
I was a girl.

Most days feel like bad days,
and the only days that feel good
are for all the wrong reasons

There is so little of me left,
and yet so many holes to fill.
Will I ever be whole?

Why would I beg for a caring hand
when I can just pay for one?

I think the saddest thing
is when someone stops longing to be understood
When you, a poet, lays down your pen
after too many unheard words
you stop going to therapy
because you have said all you can out loud
You stop faking your smile
and nobody notices,
maybe they knew it was fake all along
nobody reaches out once you stop asking about them first
In the end you’ll fade away just as you wished

You can either choose to be ashamed of me,
or be glad you at least got the chance to meet me.

You broke my heart into a thousand pieces,
and all I could think about was how I could make you feel better

They call you crazy
but I know you’re just lost
Choice
Is the word they use to describe your actions
“Why did she choose to leave her kids”
“Why can’t she choose to put down the bottle”
But I promise mom,
I promise you’re not crazy
because I feel it too
I’m not sure how we got here
or how we will manage to get back
but I promise we will find peace one day
and we will do it together

My music only gets slower
and my lyrics sadder
just as I do

...and I tuck myself away again.

At what point does this all become a willful dive to the bottom.
I can’t be blameless forever,
right?
RIGHT?

If you keep treating me as a poison,
I will only consume myself entirely.

I often wonder where and who I would be
if I finally chose to abandon my usual methods of coping
would I be doing better?
would I be here at all?

I can’t seem to shake
This bleakness,
the fog that has inhabited my brain.
I like to think that sometimes for days,
even weeks at a time
clouds will cover the sun,
Yet it still shines brighter than anything else
I pray my clouds will part
and allow the sun to kiss my skin once again
I just need to keep in mind that
the sun can hurt people too

reminiscing of screeching tires,
shattering glass,
my head hitting the windshield
..seatbelts do save lives I guess
why am I disappointed?

You ask me what I dream about at night
and all I say is that I do not remember
Because the things that appear to me
in my sleep
are better left at rest,
even if I will be seeing them again tonight.

And if my last words uttered were going to be lies,
this time I will die in silence

I am not sure who infected who,
all I know is we are only rotting together

It is on regretful nights such as these
that not even the moon will show me her face

And I know that
if I begged my mom to talk to me
before I killed myself,
she still wouldn’t pick up

Even when the apple does fall far from the tree, that doesn’t mean it isn’t bruised on the way down.

Sobriety
has brought me a clearer head
for all my thoughts to fill

And that is why I hate it

I poke the snakes who
call themselves dragons,
each time they bite back bitterly
and a bit of their poison seeps into my veins.
My mama always told me
that I was too soft for a world like this,
but now she’s the one
locked away unable to cope.
I may appear unwell and
you may believe me to be broken
but I promise my fingers will break
before I ever stop holding my pieces together
and my lungs will burst
sooner than I cease to breathe fire.

You’ve helped me learn to be alone.

Love- the infamous cure-all, heal-all. The force meant to make life worth living and dreams worth dreaming.
But what happens when that force is only strong enough to allow someone to stay alive. Only enough to prevent someone from leaking every ounce of blood from their body, but not stop them from going deep enough to see a few drops. It cannot stop the creation of new scars and used bandages.
Love is enough to make the action of consuming food bearable, but never enough to prevent the flushing and acid baths that follow.
Love is here to remove your finger from the trigger and the barrel from your mouth. It will not hold back the tears and shut out the thoughts screaming to just ******* do it.
Love allows for a body to continue breathing and a heart to continue beating, but cannot stop the mind from wishing it wasn’t.
This force is slowly losing its strength and the power it holds.
It can and will not save you forever

This place is in my mind and in my head
This place is killing me from the inside

I want to tear apart my skin to show you how ugly I am on the inside.
I want to show you the face behind this shell.
I want you to catch a glimpse of the voices and what they tell me
              Disgusting, shame, pig
I want to remove my eyeballs so you can see what I see.
I want to show you the teeth that eat away at my being.
I want to see you shudder as the demons seep from my pores.
             Can’t get away, poison

don’t tell me to keep my head up when you’re the one who forced it underwater.

Tired of always getting lost in my thoughts,
and always in thoughts that make me feel lost.

How could you,
Allow me to think I could trust you, listen to your words.
Make me promise to follow your rules and I would end up okay.
How could you,
Take the small things I looked forward to from me, deny me even an ounce of that happiness.
Slowly destroy my body and my mind all at once.
How could you,
Push my family away from me, take away their trust.
Make them think I am selfish and cruel.
How ******* dare you,
Do this to yourself and refuse to get help.
You’re the creator of this disease and you’ve let it go too far for too long.

I know everyone says that misery loves company
But so do I.
Misery gives me something to think about,
no matter how terrible it may make me feel.
She keeps my mind occupied
While Making sure I’m never alone.
Misery takes my hand and leads me away from here,  
Sometimes we get lost,
Sometimes on purpose,
I don’t always know the way through my head like she does.
I know befriending misery is what keeps me from moving forward,
But honestly, having someone that feels like a friend is
enough

They ask me,
How do you live like this?
I live like this because I do not choose to,
Because I am a slave to my thoughts that are trying to **** me.
How can you destroy your body?
I can destroy myself because the hatred runs so deep it feels deserved.
I need to self destruct in order to feel okay.
How do you sleep at night?
I don’t sleep at night. I am haunted by my fears and the uncomfortableness in my own body.
How can you hurt those around you?
I do not choose to hurt those around me.
I love them but they no longer see me the same, bridges burned and trust broken.
I live in a prison and I am the creator.
Leave me to build my walls as I’m swallowed whole.

At what point in my life did I decide that after being born into pain, it is the life I must choose forever?