...and I tuck myself away again.
Buried inside myself.
I wish I would have held you longer
used a softer voice when I spoke to you
I wish I would have guided you
to nicer people on smoother paths
I wish I could have held your eyes shut
so you never had to see the evil around you
I wish I would’ve stopped you from seeking
comfort in all the wrong places
and convinced you to
seek peace in me instead
forgive me for cowering away in the past
forcing you to take the brunt of it all
I don’t blame you for the ways you chose
to cope and alleviate your pain
I promise to be here with you until the end
no matter how long you choose to stay or however you choose to go.
You can shave my hair off
to keep me from ripping it out of my head
you can hide my blades
to stop me from opening my skin
you can feed me pills
to try and get me out of this slump
you can tell me you want me alive
to maybe prevent me from swallowing a bullet so soon
but even if you sew my mouth shut
it will never be enough to silence the voices in my head
I spend hours each day
doubled over the toilet,
out of my mind and down the drain,
until next time
Bulimia is my savior, my slow killer
I feel the drops on my skin
running down my cheeks
and meshing with my tears.
My hair and clothes are soaked
but I am not uncomfortable anymore.
I shiver and I shake,
my breaths quiver and quake.
Still, I stand in the rain
These endless storms
are the only things that bring me peace,
for inside I am burning,
my demons refusing to be doused
I poke the snakes who
call themselves dragons,
each time they bite back bitterly
and a bit of their poison seeps into my veins.
My mama always told me
that I was too soft for a world like this,
but now she’s the one
locked away unable to cope.
I may appear unwell and
you may believe me to be broken
but I promise my fingers will break
before I ever stop holding my pieces together
and my lungs will burst
sooner than I cease to breathe fire.
My parents first broke my heart
when I was younger,
and I have continued
to break it ever since.
Please stop hurting us.