and as we finished
tears came streaming down

i knew why
but i can't help it

it isn't changing

so i'm the one who's changing now.

so i haven't been sleeping
i haven't been eating

well i tried
and i did
but did i really?

i'm empty
i do stuff
without a thought
trying to seem busy
but the only thing that's busy
is my head

i try to sleep
close my eyes
open them again
just let me sleep

i hear things, see things.
nothing feels real.
i'm here, but just as a shell
as my insides have been ****** out.

i'm controlled by this thing
but it's not me.
it's smiling, but it doesn't have any thoughts inside, it's just the lips that move,
because they have to.

i try to turn up my music a bit
but it starts hurting
my head
my thoughts are trying to be louder
it's like thunder
they're colliding,
fighting to be heard.

the water
thoughts dripping along my face

thoughts

what if i turned up the heat
turned it up until i feel numb
feel my skin burn

what if i put my head under water
and don't breathe until
i get a glimpse
of what it would feel like
to be gone

the bruises on my arms
they hurt
turned the temperature up
didn't even mind the pain
turned it up more
pain streaming through my body
but i don't move
and keep my head under water

what if i just stayed here
keep turning up the heat
because the pain
doesn't hurt as much
as my brain does
and maybe
going numb
would turn my mind off

turned it up more
went and sat down
not knowing whether it's tears
or just water
streaming down my face

my skin turning red
the bruises on my arms don't hurt anymore
now just minding the heat
and not the thoughts in my brain

what if i stayed here forever?
turning it up more
every minute
until i couldn't take it anymore.






then i turned off the water
and grabbed a towel

maybe another day.

Love is giving someone permission to hurt you and trusting that they won't

I won't bother you with my thoughts
as I need to find my happiness elsewhere.