Tell me what to say
When there is nothing
Left
To say

I am sick
I wish I had the answers
Actions speak louder
Than any words I could ever
Speak

I am a monster
A monster
A monster

Just another day
Kick back
Wait six more months
And
We will be cool again

That’s usually this goes

Beauty bore from pain
Like compromise from war
So many years of bloodshed
Before we can restore

You say
You’re so much sometimes

And I say to that
Well sometimes,
You are not enough

How long
Do I
Lay in bed
At night


While you lay
Next
To her

I don’t know
I don’t know if I can handle the loneliness
It sits inside of me
It breathes
And it aches
Of its own volition

When can I put my head above the water again
Why am I drowning myself
My muscles are heavy
I am heavy
Until I am not anymore

I miss walking in
the fire of your
Irrecoverable, inconceivable, consumable
Love

23 years old
Today
Wonder why I feel this way
Should be proud
23, salaried
Everything is feeling pretty empty
23 years
Happy Birthday

We never have funerals for love
Love dies too

Don’t make me wait
Pick up the phone
Call me
I’ll answer
We can talk and talk
I just want to hear you

I am mourning
Mourning that I won’t lay down
For you anymore

You dont see
What I see
In between the trees
And the breeze
That is why you will never understand
What I mean

I am not supposed to be here
I am supposed to be with you
So please make it quick
Take me with you

I cant muster the energy to look
At myself in the mirror
But people still expect me
To lift my feet
To lift my head
And
Smile

I wont wash a dish,
I certainly dont look at the clothes,
I cancel my plans last minute when I should have just said no,
I think my friends are conspiring against me,
And I cant leave my husband alone, what if he finds someone else better equip for our home.

I cant muster the energy to look at myself in the mirror,
But I still get up,
I still get up and go to work,
I am just waiting for the time
Time to pass me by

I'm running out of energy for these cycles
Im running out of energy waiting on my energy
I am in deep water, with crashing waves
Everytime I stand
I am knocked back down
Gulping for air
Only getting more water
Waiting to tumble back to the surface

I cant muster the energy to look at myself in the ******* mirror.

I can’t remember anymore
What is it like
When someone can not
Keep their lips from yours
I am lonely and it’s late
That’s the only reason I care
I am numb
Over and over
I feel nothing

Have you ever
Laid in bed next to
someone you love

And prayed for
Your true love to
Fall out of the sky

Breathe
Grit your teeth
Move on
Try to not listen
To the sound
Of the nails
On the chalkboard
Breathe

It’s Saturday
And just like yesterday
I’m still thinking of you
Just like two weeks ago
Just like a month ago
Still thinking
Of you

“That’s life
Why would
It change now”
- still woozy

Ironic

Small tokens

How many times

You quit

You gave in

You took it back

I use to be a person
There is body
But no soul
I am a demon in a skin suit
Hate me

We love nostalgia
It’s why you
Read these poems
So you can feel despair again

The only time
Any man saw me
Was with
Eyes closed
Hands open

We are
Just flesh and bone
But you
You are the sun on my skin

So you say
I have the moon
Well I simply dont believe

Can I
Crawl inside that coffin with you
Can you
Take me down with you
I don’t
Like being here anymore

Write profoundly
You are an artist then
Neat little words and spaces
Bore from some kind of pain
And inspiration

Is there any kind of separation?

I just want to
Lay in bed
All day
Sleep, sleep, sleep
Away

Things break
Just as carefully
As they were made

Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out

I want to lay down in between blades of grass
I want to be as small
I dont want to see spend my life
Working
Working
Living in between

Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out

He does not care
If he makes you lay there
Say okay,
Until you can breathe again

Everyone keeps calling me strong
I’m tired of being a house
Built by bricks

In my memories
You belong to me
And we belong to each other
It’s a sacred place

Thinking of you
Always thinking of you
When I close my eyes
I can feel you close yours too
And for a moment
We are together
Missing each other

You make me feel like I just took a deep breath of fresh air after being in a hot car
And things haven’t been miserable
Quite the opposite
But better with you here

Dillan, I can’t stop thinking about you
I just want to hear from you

I am lonely
But I melt into that
I melt into the sunset
And the silence

Being suicidal is like a form of cancer
It is harder over time
To stay alive
My bones are weak
They crumble and crack
Because the sorrow
Eats away at my fragile structure
I can barely stand up during the day
———————————
I am tired
Please let me die

I continue talking about you in the past tense
Why do you keep talking about him like he’s dead
They ask me
Because to me he is
I reply
Everyone keeps moving about their tasks

Though the setting may change

The background remains the same

I know if I heard your voice
I’d simply melt
arms around me would
Be my death
I’m getting old
You are getting old
Is this what it takes
I think of you every day

My eyes meet my own eyes
Not for a long time
I question the girl in the pictures
That have my name written on the back
I wish that was me again
And if you snapped a photo of this moment
Tomorrow
I'd wish that was me again
I don't know what I think of myself
Or my skin
Who would say
I only want someone to love
The flesh on my bones
I want someone to love my dusty corners
and things that were out of place
without saying things like "you are too much"
Versions of myself from days before,
they are always better than now,
and I would never ever see myself,
the way I needed too,
Ironically for myself,
I was never enough.

When you read my poems
Does it feel like your talking to me
If you close your eyes right now
Can you hear me
Whispering in your ear
Can you remember what my voice sounds like?

All I can
Think
About is you
And how I must see you

I know they can all see it on me
How I am not adorned with lace
I smell different
Less pretty
I feel less supple
Kiss? Kiss?
I feel those are too delicate for me
They like to turn me around
That’s why I’m not washing their laundry
Hanging up their clothes
I know they can see it all over me
I feel it with their rough hands
And I feel the lies they spit all over me
Drip all over me

I remember your cinnamon smelling bed
And your computer desk right in front of it
Blue light illuminated the four white walls around us
I miss you

Give me one day of peace
One day where you don’t
Cross my mind

I cry so deep
I feel the river flowing through
My chest
Deep, white water, ripping through me

I can’t believe you did this
You did this again

I miss you more
Than
The day before

You are lucky.
Lucky I’m willing to crawl back into my safety
Away from you.
Lucky I haven’t told her everything again.
You are lucky.