Feel guilty for living
Feel guilty for not living enough
Wake up
Be whoever the ******* want

I miss you
And I miss you and I miss you and I miss youimissyouimissyouimissyou
I miss you so much until my heart gives out at the end of the day
Only to restart each morning when I wake up
Missing you
I never knew when my mother said
Life is unfair
She was talking about how you could love and love and love someone
But they didn’t have to love and love and love you back
So here I am at twelve am
Thinking of ways to tell you I love you
Ways to tell you I hate you
Thinking of writing love letters and giving grandiose notions you never deserved
Thinking of how she must be folded inside your arms
I know you don’t think about it at all
Think about me
That is
I miss you

So you say you don’t care
You don’t care
But it’s hard to picture you
With someone else
I can feel my ribs breaking
Under this pressure
Against myself

23 years old
Today
Wonder why I feel this way
Should be proud
23, salaried
Everything is feeling pretty empty
23 years
Happy Birthday

When I pulled away from his house, knowing she would be spending time in his bed later, skin to skin, breath to breath. Passion bleeding through.
I just want to stop thinking about you.

I've noted that for most of my life,
I've said too much,
I've wasted too much breath on pain,
so now I choose to rarely say anything,
Silence is enough weight.

My air will never fill enough space
To matter
I am the
Dew drops on leaves
No one will remember me
When I evaporate

I wish I just existed in beauty
The way the mountains just
Held themselves up
And the way the sun
Just painted the sky
As it went to sleep for the night

You play in my mind
Over and over
Broken tape
Just stay
Just stay
I don’t want to
Throw this away

I wish I was not the way that I am
I want to go home and forget this place
Existed
And that anyone as great as you is real
I wanted it to be the time in my life
Where I needed someone
And it just isn’t

But tasting your lips
Nothing is sweeter

Yesterday
I sat in the shower
I cried
I hugged myself
I said to the sky
Why are you keeping me here?
Why are you keeping me here?
Why?

I wish I couldnt tell
When people
Were telling
The Truth.

What do you say,
Till tomorrow in Paris,
But tomorrow never comes,
Grammar lessons were wrong,
Not ever sentence has a period,
Some people are like songs,
They are here,
We enjoy them,
We try to interpret,
It ends the same way every time,
They don’t continue on and on,

I will miss you my friend.

Dear God,
If you have any mercy
Please
I don’t want to think about him anymore
I want to forget his voice
His eyes
His laugh
His smell
Help me let him go
Help me heal
Please show me
I won’t feel this way forever
That he wasn’t the one
That I can get over him

Dear Baby,
I wish I had worked harder for you
So I could sit with you every day
Brushing hairs from your sweet face
I love you
My back hurts
My bones ache
I wish I had been smarter for you

I was someone who was so good to you
And you
You are just another boy
Who cheated
And
Lied

How long
Do I
Lay in bed
At night


While you lay
Next
To her

Why did I think I could be with
Anyone
Why did I think I deserved
Anyone
Why did I think I deserved happiness

Look at me,

You didnt expect me to be more vicious than you

I am an animal

It's probably better than you keep

Distance

I'll let you go this time

To save you

Mortal wounds.

I use to be a person
There is body
But no soul
I am a demon in a skin suit
Hate me

I miss walking in
the fire of your
Irrecoverable, inconceivable, consumable
Love

God told me yesterday that you and I are finished
End of the line
End of this holy bond

Holy matrimony
You said you’d take care of me
But you only wore me down
To make me strong

He sent me a message in the sky
“Leave your husband”
And then I thought about
How you only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside

I think about how I will wake up in the middle of the night and he won’t be there, he will be miles away. Drives away. I miss him before he is even gone, because I know what space he will make where he was. If I close my eyes and let every single day pass by through my mind, I’d not change a single one. I wish he’d stay. I wish he’d ask me to go. That’s not what happened though. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t crave me. Though it seems cruel, I have to say these things to myself. It douses the fire he sets inside my soul.
I thought he just belonged. I thought he was a permanent fixture, something that had to stay.

Someone can be the sun to you,
And you are the earth,
Just the third rock out,
Wanting to be close to them,
But they **** you, they melt every surface
They can live without you
But you can’t live without them
Their gravitational pull
Their warmth

I saw today
A new daughter
I’m so proud of you
I love you so much
I’m so happy for you
You are the best father

So why do I feel sick
Why do I wish I were me
Why do I feel myself wishing
You never went back

But every life is here for a reason
Welcome little Juniper
Little Jj
I Hope you are beautiful like your mother
But sweet like your father
They will raise you well

I wonder if I will notice the grooves of
Your face digging deeper every day
As life erodes you away
I wonder if we will look young forever
To each other
Immortal in our love, in a certain way
How I reveled in spending every day with you,
Until our last day.

I'm so depressed,
And it isnt yout fault,
Please,
Dont go,
I cant hold my head up.

I have the will to live
Every 2 weeks
Then I spend the rest of my time
Wishing it would end

I hope you
Get help

I hope one day you wake up
And the sun is risen out of your window
You go to start your day
And the emptiness sets in
The loneliness sets in
Knowing you have no one to really
Talk to
I know she can’t the way
I do

I hope you realize
The way you wrecked me
And I hope it wrecks yourself

I don’t forgive you
Not for the way
You just blocked me out
You acted like I was crazy


And when you miss me
Please
Don’t call
Don’t write
Don’t make a sound at all
Lie in the bed you made
Lie in it without me
Even when I miss you too

You ****

I am wondering if you still read my works
Maybe you could talk to me soon
Please

And he never asked
But I loved him like that
I loved him like if he asked me to drop
Everything and leave
Tomorrow
I’d go with him
I love him in ways he doesn’t know
He doesn’t know
He doesn’t ask
I loved him like
Please please don’t go
Don’t go without me
Please take me with you
I loved him like
I couldn’t picture any day of
Any week
without waking up next to him
But
He never asked
I loved him like that

I wish you knew how much
Space
You took up in my brain

I know you’d look at me and say
Don’t do that to yourself
And I promise
I promise
I hear you when you speak to me

I know, I know
Not here, not now
But what about another
Time
Another
Space

I love you
For what it’s worth
And only what it’s worth to you
I love you

I tell myself you wont talk to me because it hurts that much,

But I know, you love her, you love her, you love her

What a fool I have been in this life

You can always
Message me here
I’ve blocked you
In every single place you’ve blocked me
I’ve made it to where no one can see
My new phone number
I don’t think you’ll read these
email me
One day
Some day
I will miss you every day
I will try not to
I will wait endlessly to hear from you
Again one day
I will try not to
I’m confused
I want to know why
I want to know what happened
I wish you would have told me
I wish you would have said
Goodbye

My little sister
How I love you so
It’s not your fault
That you are everything I wanted
And can never have
But I love to watch you grow
As if bird watching
I am at a distance
It’s where I like to be
Safe from the wilderness of
Hearing how
Our dad was
Your daddy
But to me
He’s just some man

My dad and I
We may never speak
And
When he dies
I might not even be invited to the funeral,
I might not even be listed under one of his children under "survived by",
I may never get closure,
Or the answers I wanted

I will never know why he walked my sister down the aisle, but he skipped my wedding.
I will never know why he takes pictures, saying "all my grandchildren", but my son is missing.
I will never know if he cared as much as I did about these things, if he swallowed the silence.
Is he bad at his core? I might never know.

My dad and I
We may never speak
He might die
And I might never know him.

Why is it so hard to swallow?

Its funny how when it's cold outside,

I start to remember burying my face inside of your jacket,

I can small all of the fall and winter leaves,

That were beneath your feet,

While the faint smell of your Marlboros lingered on and on,

I could almost touch your face in the cold sun,

I could almost feel myself being in love,

But the flowers, the trees, and the bees have died and grown again since then

I know they can all see it on me
How I am not adorned with lace
I smell different
Less pretty
I feel less supple
Kiss? Kiss?
I feel those are too delicate for me
They like to turn me around
That’s why I’m not washing their laundry
Hanging up their clothes
I know they can see it all over me
I feel it with their rough hands
And I feel the lies they spit all over me
Drip all over me

Orange filled the trees
Climbing through the trellis
Rain drops kissing petals
A day of happiness
A day of rejoice

Secret eyes meet
Pick one soft
Honeysuckle
Forbidden sweet
Kissed my lips

Left empty
Smooshed on wet pavement
Stepping stepping
Many feet

I keep thinking about how
It felt like
You
And
Me.

Remember to smile,
Remember to brush your teeth,
Remember to wash your face,
Remember to have clean clothes,
Remember to never be late to work,
Remember to be a good wife,
Remember to be a good mother,
Remember to not be selfish,
Remember to love yourself,
Remember to clean the house,
Remember to wash the dishes,
Remember to get enough sleep,
Remember to wake up in time,
Remember to open your eyes,
Remember to smile,
Remember to brush your teeth,
Remember to pick up your feet,
Remember to breathe,
Remember how to be a good mother,
Remember how to be a good wife,
Remember to be yourself at work,
Remember to not be late,
Remember to take time for yourself,
Remember to not be selfish,
Remember to pay your bills,
Remember to clean the house,
Remember to do all the laundry,
Remember to pick up your arms,
Remember to be present,
Remember to smile.

Did everything go well today?
I mean, did everything go well moving into your new apartment?
How is the bedroom?
The one I’ll never see the inside of, the walls I’ll be unfamiliar with.
Was it everything you hoped for?
I missed you today
And yesterday
And the day before
Maybe not the day before that
But all the other days in between

Ironic

Small tokens

How many times

You quit

You gave in

You took it back

I just want to
Lay in bed
All day
Sleep, sleep, sleep
Away

I cant forgive you
I cant forgive you until you see me
It's not fair I must live with your regret

I cannot forget about what you've done to me
But you can

New family
New daughter
Replacement
You dont even have to think
But I do
I do
I do not ******* forgive you

You close your eyes at night
Sleep so peacefully
Knowing, you dont know me
You dont have to know me
Out of sight
Out of mind


-
Love, your daughter

I can tell you that,
the thought of getting to know someone
right now,
feels like one too many marathons I’ve ran, it’s hot and I’m tired.
I want to go home.
And
I don’t want to know who you are.

And yes it’s true,
I love the earth more than I love you,
Mountains move in me,
And soft earth cradles me,
The way I wish you could have.

Wet dew, gentle kisses
Save loneliness, I am never alone
With the sun, and the moon
The soft leaves, and the green trees

I have nothing to say
When I
Am this way

Sylvia Plath Once said
Some things are hard to write about
And so when it comes to you
I put my pen down
On the tears that dry
On paper
Say enough
Because some things
Are hard to write about

Being suicidal is like a form of cancer
It is harder over time
To stay alive
My bones are weak
They crumble and crack
Because the sorrow
Eats away at my fragile structure
I can barely stand up during the day
———————————
I am tired
Please let me die