Give up, don't fight
**** myself tonight
It's not what I want
It is how I feel
I don't like to tell ya
But I somehow gotta deal

But maybe
It's the other way around
Cause at this point
I don't really know
What I truly Feel
If I feel at all
What I really think consciously
Conjure up at will

Put a pen to the paper
A keyboard to the screen
Post my poems online so I can finally be seen

I crave connection
Like all humans do
But as someone like me
I crave solitude

Get up, no spite
Safe myself tonight
It is what I want
Kinda how I feel
I really need to tell ya
To finally make the deal

im fairly certain now
so close to the truth
though doubt still lingers
in the back of my head

nearly grasping
almost touching
barely a distance
to be crossed
yet still
i pull back
afraid
i might be right

I need to do
So many things

But all I can bring myself to complete
Is this poem

So maybe
I should.

Not being able to talk about your own problems while taking on everyone elses just hide your own is depression. Smiling even through the pain. Feeling worthless losing yourself. Living in a body that fights to survive with the mind that tries to die. Broken, useless, pathetic, rejected, lonely is what you mean when you say "I'm fine"

I wear a double sided mask
so that I appear as desired
an yet I feel this feelings
with wich I cannot relate
because the mask is double sided
and it doesn't match
so I turn the volume louder than my thoughts
no sleep no more
and escape without end
these worlds, these people
they are better than this
than me
STOPSTOPSTOP these thoughts
I scream internally
why can't I be like the mask?
the double sided mask
it is better than this
than me
up the volume goes again
the base resonating in my ears
drowning the thoughts
numbing the feels
trimming the sleep
charging the escape
escape
escape is all I know

in the end
the volume
grew the thoughts
the thoughts of violence
to myself
to my surroundings
mentally
torturing myself
and killing my sleep
my sanity
my grades
grades
do I care anymore?
yes says the mask
the double sided mask
no says the voice
the dark voice in the back of my head
and i
I don't know
not anything
not
a
single
thing


I
I want to be myself
but who
is this self
I ask
as I look trough the mask
the doublde sided mask
to the wall
the wall i've built

the mask is uncomfortable
i've outgrown the mask
the double sided mask
once, the mask was my face
and my face was the mask
but my face started changing
while the mask kept staying
someday i'd  outgrow the mask
that day
is long gone
but the mask
the double sided mask
the mask is familiar
the mask is consistent
the mask is desirable
but my face?
I ask the mask facing me
no lies the mask
the double sided mask
I know it's true
why else would I wear the mask?