There was a time, where nothing                                 Now, gratitude flows from
but resentments and fears                                             my heart into the
flowed through me.                                                        into the world.

I have known the hardness of                                       I know now that all I have
deep emptiness that swallows you whole,                 is today, this very moment
when wallowing in self-pity.                                         to be a channel of Love.

I cry out into the Deep,
                                           hoping against hope that someone may hear.
My pain and anguish
                                           crushing my soul into nothing.

I cry out into the Deep,
                                           and Something beyond my understanding reaches out.

                                          It pulls me out of myself from the Nothing into life.

The Deep cries out to me,
so I may return home.

It's the mad saints that interest me,
the holy fools of the Divine Mystery.

Ikkyu. Ezekiel. Buddha. Jesus. Lao-Tzu.

The ones where their lives turn upside down,
just because they walk a path against
the flow of convention.

A holy fool laughs a laughter that
cuts through all the ******* and hypocricy.
A laughter that rises from the heart,
And enters the heart of another
like a small spark before a wild fire.

You are a Taoist sage
in a tiny green body.

You are a voice crying out
in the wilderness like
John the Baptist.

You direct me towards
the connection of all things
large and small,
seen and unseen.

Your laughter cuts through
the arrogance of my youth.

You call me to a deeper wholeness.

May the Tao that cannot be named
flow in and through you.

Thank You. I Love You.

you cannot leave                          
the boundaries
of your cloister.

and yet, you have
crossed them a
thousand times.

writer. trappist.
human being.
adventurer.  seeker.
lover.

may you be free,
may your restless heart
be still.

may the Divine Lover
hold you in
ecstasy.

my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

i have been yearning and searching
to fill this God sized hole
in my heart.

my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

a vast emptiness i cannot fill
with my own power.
no external fix has ever been able
to fill this immense Nothing that
grows inside
of me.

my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

i stumble in the dark as
i am drawn to the rhythm of life.
the waves of the great ocean gently
call me to wholeness.

my body enfolds into oneness,
and my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

May I be happy.

The world becomes a more hospitable place,
when my heart opens up.
I am happier, when my definition of happiness expands.
I hope someday my expands to infinity.

May I feel safe.

The living center caresses me,
and nurtures me like a nursing mother.
A loving God embraces the core of who I am,
and whispers "I love you."

May my heart open and be free.

My mind's voice becomes quiet and serene,
as it aligns itself  to the gentle rhythm of my heart.
My center is firm and whole,
and embraces infinity.

I awake to life
with each breath.

Breath in, I commit to life.
Breathe out, I trust in life.

I awake to my breath,
I become aware how
grateful for this often unconscious act
of saying
yes to
life.

Breathe in.            
                        The cold air burns as it travels
                                               down my lungs.

Breathe out.
                        The hot air warms the little spot
                                             where my nose and mouth meets.

The sharp crisp cold air
embraces me like a long lost
friend desperate to reconnect.

My warm heart greets the morning
with love, and joy I get to
breathe in and breathe out
one more day.

i have been silent
words do not flow out of me
i am a steady stream of silence

              words spoken out of turn
              used to incite great reactive storms
              in the mind and body of my father
  
                             sometimes i am silent because of fear
                             but lately i am silent, because i speak
                             with my body and actions

                                         i no longer speak hollow words that **** life out
                                         words that lead to further disconnection
                                         today, when i speak  i choose words of connection

                                                                   little by little
                                                     peace
                                                                   grows in me

I used to afraid of everything and everyone.                                                     Fear immobilized me.
Frozen into a paralysis of emotions and resentments.                                      I stopped growing.
I slowly started dying on the inside one day at a time.                                    I wanted to fade away.

Today, I am still afraid, but not frozen in fear.                                                   I walk towards them.
I am not alone today, and my heart fills up with hope.                                   Love guides me through,
Slowly my heart and soul is awakening on the other side.                             to a life open to the present.

I was afraid of silence
The type of      silence  that felt heavy and oppressive.

The                  silence            before my father's fists would land on flesh.
      

But there's another type of  silence,                  one that is freeing.
The silence before laughter,                                silence that connects.
The silence that feels like the Great Void,        infinite and whole.
                                               silence that bridges all the
                                             fragments of pain and longing.
                                                        ­ silence before
                                                          ­  flowering
                                                     ­             of
                                                 ­              LOVE

i am filled with                 gratitude
joy                                       for life
love                                     for connection
peace                                  for forgiveness
serenity                              for things i cannot change
courage                              to face my fears
wisdom                              to ask for help
laughter                             while playing
life                                       to be present

shik-gu
the word and idea had the
power to make me tense involuntarily.
it's strange how we hurt the people
we love the most.  

for a long time, i lived my life like a tornado,
not caring who i hurt.  often the people in my
path of destruction were my um-ma, ap-pa and
hyung [momma, pa, and brother].

time heals all wounds or it can make deep resentments
fester.  i'm glad i've chosen to walk the path of cleaning
up the wreckage of the past.  

today, my family still aggravates, but see them for who they
are, people with their failings and strengths like me.  
and little by little, i walk the path towards embracing
my own humanity, my brokenness and all.

a year has flown by                                              twenty-four-hour living                          no longer
12 months, 365 days                                             is all i have to live today,                         afraid of the
of my life.                                                            ­   with a breath in and out.                         future.

new friendships made,                                       my breath leads me to my                        no longer
old ones mended, and                                         heart and my soul finds                           ashamed of the
some let go.                                                            peace.                                                          p­ast.

i've found hope this                                             life is lived one moment                           no longer
past year, and a community                               at a time, when i choose to                       escaping the
that helps me live in hope.                                 embrace it all.                                              present.

.                             bodies                                   more
                                colliding                       ­       than an
                                        gently in                            emotion
                           ­              infinite                             tied to physical
                                       space and time                connection,
                                 ­          unfolding into                and yet found
                                        each other                         in carnal lust.
                                     and becoming                  a language spoken
                                            one.                ­           in silence.

broken bodies                              with open hearts
call forth                                       inner change
my mind                                       seeking for peace
releases into infinity                   in a simple touch.

i fell in love with the Tao,
                        when i wandered the mountains of Korea
                                                                ­                                               as a child.

i cannot name the Tao,
                        or hold it conceptually like religious deities
                                                         ­                                                     unspoken.

i­ love the Tao,
                   when my heart is aflame in the great reality of
                                                              ­                                              now.

            
                                          i am fully alive,
                                                         when i flow with the great
                                                           ­                                                 Tao.

compulsion erupts into desire
molded into empty shame.  
****** desire gone awry,
when all i wanted was
not to feel alone.

                                                         ­                         desire burst into a full on
                                                              ­                    obsession, and the loneliness
                                                      ­                            i tried to fill only gets bigger and
                                                             ­                     bigger.  
                    
                                  A life built on lies only lead to
                                  more shame and guilt.  
                                  It wasn't until I desired to try
                                  something different that I became
                                  free of compulsion.

I  am free.

Alive to live my life,
Moment to moment.

Free to
Run into
Eternity with
Ease and peace.

little moments break
                              into thousand little
                                                          fragments colliding into
                                                                       space and time

i used to think i was spiritual,
                              when in reality i was really
                                                                 chasing oblivion.

oblivion is bottomless and black,
                               but paradoxically it can be solid earth
                                                      in which i rise out of
                                                                  with the help of LIFE
                                                                              and LOVE.

it's a mystery that
             God does not hate me.  
                             everyday, i choose to
                                                  believe in a God that loves
                                                                                            me for
                                                                                                       me.

i'm no longer that shy awkward kid
that walked this path 10 years ago.

                                                                           maybe a part of me will always be that kind, but today
                                                                           i'm also a man in his 30s walkin' tall.

i used to chase oblivion, because
it's all i knew how to do.                        

                                                                          i embrace peace, even at the price of boredom, and
                                                                          welcome silence even when it means being alone.

.                                             love is
                                              o
                                              v
                            love is love
                            o        
                            v
                      love     love
                      o          o
                   love is love
                      e           e

I'm always starting and                                                stopping
tryin­g something new and being stuck in                the   past.
Today is a new day.  I greet it with a deep                  breath
letting go of my need to control, and  just                    be

Comatose,                       ­                                                frozen to new possibilities.
Living in fear                                                             ­    of a future yet to unfold.
Being present                                                          ­       to here and now is so **** hard.        
Becoming aware                                                            ­of this new day with an open heart/mind

.                                              duality           ­                    diversity
                                               lost                                      found
                 ­                              in                                         void
                                               yin                                       yang
                                               male                                     female
                                               energy                                 flowing
                                               dark                                     light
                                               finite                                    infinite
                                               destroy                                create
                   ­                            death                                   life
                                               in                                          out
                 ­                              loneliness                            intimacy                                               

                 ­                             
                                   ­            letting go                            holding firm
                                               walking with                     walking away
                                               moving out                        moving in
                                               embracing silence             cuddling chaos
                                               making out                         sitting alone
                                               loving fully                         craving love
                                               loosing fear                         desiring power
                                               past actions                         future promise
                                               healing wounds                 festering resentments
                                               being aware                        choosing ignorance
                                               centering prayer                running away
                                               sharing life                         hording death

.
         presence                            is                               love
         interwoven                      web                            given
         freely                                created                       to
         saturated                         into                             creation
         breathing                         life                              for                  
         infinitely                          always                       illuminating

.                                                 is                         life                                                        ­    VOID
                                 God                breathing                                     ­ into the                    
                                 O
                                 D                                                      g
        ­                 God is love                                     n
                                                               ­            i
        God             is                   space       d  
           i                                                 o    
           s           breath                   l
                                              p
    laughter   ­                 x
                                e

life is like jazz
                 sometimes all you can do
                                                          is improvise
                                      based on                            the template you know
                                                 doing the best                               you can
                                                 going with the                              flow                          of life.

musical notes                         blending
                                                                                                         into one,
                       sometimes      blaring into                                    cacophony               of sound.

time  breaks
                                   down to a single moment
                         becomes                         infinite
                         free         of                     perception


                                                    ­             breathe   deep
                                                  
         ­                                                        breathe free of worries

                                                        ­                                                           in

                                                                ­                                                  and


                                                              ­                                                     out

                                                            ­                                                                
­                                            silence breaks into silence
                                            movement becomes stillness
                                                silence­ and stillness
                                                       ­     merge
                                                      ­        into
  
                                                                ­o
                                                               ­ n
                                                              ­  e

just for today
                        i am happy,  joyous and free
                                                            ­            to
                                                  ­                          feel.
                                 ­                                                 no past demons to haunt me
          
                                                   ­                                                                 ­               no anxiety about the future

i take little steps into freedom
                     into
                     joy
                     and
                    presence

                               ­                                         its all a gift
                                                      life with all its joys and sadness
                                                         ­      teaches me how to
                                                              ­              love

I love you
                            i loved you even when i put you through harm,
                            even when i put chemicals into your body.

I'm sorry
                           for all the times i hated you, and almost took your life.
                           I chased oblivion and thought that would bring me peace.

Please forgive me

                           , so i may learn to love you. you and i are one.  

Thank You
                            for loving me even in small glimpses of hope in my darkest
                            moments.  you kept me safe so i may return home to you.
                            home to the seat of my heart.

.                            Y  
                        D        contorts
                  O   ­                   into
            B                                 serenity
    
   my                                          while my
                      
                                                                ­                                   mind strains  
                                                                ­                                   strangely removed from                            
                                ­                                                                 ­  my BODY until
                                                           ­       
                                                                ­       they meet
                                                                ­           for
                                                                ­        a brief
                                                                ­           BRA
                                                             ­          M         C
                                                               ­      E               E

mind frozen
  
                body tense

I keep telling myself that I care about spiritual growth

but **** it all to hell
        
                    i want to be close in the biblical sense

somewhere there's bumpin' and grindin' happening this very minute.

intimacy intimacy, i tell myself

feel my feelings

i've been numb to my ****** feelings

i get all this, but sometimes ****** thoughts and feeling hit me so hard.
                         i don't know what to do with them, they just mess up my head.

i want serenity.

        i want peace.

              i want some wisdom in all this.

i am not a monk.  
    i do not want to be celibate,
                                            but **** I don't want to be overwhelmed either.


For now I am embracing my *** crazed thoughts, but not acting on them.

                i am more than my thoughts and feelings.

                                                  i am.

i want to be
cool like
kerouac
                           bursting into a million
                           pieces with complete
                           abandon

oh jack.  
you were so wise
yet so lost in your
oblivion.
                                                                        i'm cool like kerouac
                                                                        lost in nostalgia for
                                                                        those aimless wandering
                                                                        years
not cool
cool
it's all the same
jack


                                on the road seeking a
                                new freedom
                                now that's cool
                                like far out zen cool
                                cool like ikkyu

i used to be one of those folks full of cynicism
and bitterness.

i still have my moments.

i reckon i'm more grateful than i've ever been before.

i give thanks to the universe for the gift of my body, the gift of breath, and the gift of life.

i still have a lot to learn, but i'm growing a little each day and for that i'm forever grateful.

i hope and pray that my heart stays open to life and to death that i embrace it all with a smile.

Creator You dance in my heart
as You've never done before.

Day by day I am becoming a little more free.

I am grateful to be alive and to be drawn closer to You.

I am awakening to the music that's always been inside of me
that I've slowly become deaf to.  As I awake, I dance with You
and realize You've always been dancing in my heart.

My body moves in rhythm to the music of creation and I laugh
and laugh.  I embrace You as You embrace me closer as two long friends,
two long lost lovers.  You are Love, and I am immersed in You.

Lover of Life, Your love does not erase my identity,
but help me simply be.  Alive to all of reality, embracing pain, joy, tears,
laughter and all the things in between.

My heart sings and my body dances in time to Your music.

my body craves your touch
like i crave a bottle of scotch.

i know that your love is toxic,
but my body yearns to possess you until i see fit.

i know such thoughts lead to oblivion,
and i want to be healthy and whole.

on most days, i desire to be known fully as i am.
i desire for genuine connection,
and not mere obsession.

but somedays, the old crazy needy me comes out.
behind that dark figure lies a lonely boy desiring to be loved,
yearning to be held, and wanting to accepted as he is.

i embrace myself with all my heart,
all of me, the crazy me, the sad little boy,
and me just trying to grow and heal.

i desire to love and be loved.
i am loved.
i will someday be united
with the Beloved.  
Till then, happy trails.

i
                                  move                          ­       because i am bursting with joy and song.
               with
                                   my                                     breath leads me to the seat of my heart
              whole                                        ­    
                          
                          b
                          e
        ­                  i
                          n
                 ­         g        
                            
                                    f
                          ­          r
                                    e
               ­                     e
                                          ­  
                                               to
                                                        two-st­ep
                                                              ­            out of
                                          
                                          h
                                          e
                                          r
                                          e

i am a resentment factory.
i build and construct my resentments by manual labor
                                                                                                with fine tuned finger movements.
but then the industrial age happened, and i started
mass producing my resentments.

a great sage from galaxy far far away once said
"fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering."

o how true that's been for me.  my factory of resentment leads to
anger, and mass production of anger leads to self hatred.
i am left with a box full of resentments and anger that just sit in storage.

the beauty of all of this is that my factory is run on fear, the main power source.

i need to shut the power  off and blow up the factory.
anybody got some TNT?

a well of anger
              explodes inside of me. i no longer want to hold it in. i'm
full of      fear.  don't know how to express anger in healthy ways.

my outbursts last fraction of a second, but that's all you need to
put a fist through a wall.  

i've put on my nice polite mask for too long.
it feels like it's all for naught.  

am i my anger?  am i my fear?
all i can now is to embrace the parts
of me that i don't like and turn to
it to say, "thank you for coming.  
i love you."

my anger smiles back and
loves me back.  
my fear turns into hope.

my mask falls to the ground
to prepare the soil for new life
to grow.

Loneliness falls on me quietly like the last leaves of winter.
          I know I love You Creator, and yet I sometimes get lost in my own mind.
                      I fall into a pit of my own making and nurse my sadness like a
                      wounded cat.

I am loved by You, but sometimes it feels like its not enough.  I know this fact
in my head, but I don't always feel it with my being.
There are days where my foot steps feel heavy, and all I can do to do the next
right thing is not exploding at innocent stranger.

                       I feel numb.  I feel loved.  I feel found.  I feel lost.
                                       All of the above and more.
                      I am sailing in unknown waters, and I ask for Your guidance.

Walk with me Oh God, who loves the smallest of creatures.  Be in my steps.
                       Be with me in my loneliness.
                       Be with me as I wail against You, Be with me as I run towards You.
                       Be with me in my sadness and joy.  Amen.

my                   life                    exalt
soul                 abides              in
longs               in                      the
to                     love                  divine
be                    in            ­          love
free                 love                   light

nobody croons like marvin gaye.
no other black man's voice eases
my soul like that man.in need of
some ****** healin.'  

everyone needs some lovin,' even
on made up holidays. i want to go
back to the days of pagan rituals
of celebrating life and fertility.

sow your wild oats my man.  sing
your song and shake what your
momma gave you.  we all need
some healing touch, especially
those fools who got no soul.

sitting still long enough to be,
                                                one      ­of the hardest things to do for me.
i am lost when i start life    with     all the shoulda woulda couldas of my
                                                life,      b­ecause it shrouds my openness to this very moment.
i'm embracing my heart to be         free of the demons of my own making.
                                                whole  ­for the first time, I can't help erupting  with laughter at
the joy and sadness of it all.

i've been lost                             for so long
that it feels wrong                    to be home.
being at peace                           and to belong
seems abnormal,                      which seems insane.

i am finally home,                    a place  that i can be me
where i  am free                        and learn to grow.

home is                                      where my heart goes
my heart                                    always with me.

l     a  
o    b
v    i
e    d
      e
      s

.                                              

                                                 sunrise
                                 meet the              and greet
my soul wakes to                                                  it with a smile.