Sometimes I wonder

if I even survived
my childhood.

Maybe some part of me
is sleeping
up on the hill.

One of those
Nightmares
That I couldn't escape
Carried me off
In its jaws

and so maybe
I am planted.
Looking down
At all the people
I can't remember.

I hope that I am ashes.
I never wanted a stone.

Its spinning
Everything is spinning- nobody cares
Not a **** soul cares
That the pulsing blood people die for
Can only sustain so long

Don't you hear below your jaw
As it pounds so strong

You're disgusting
All of you disgust me
Carry your heads and walk
Trampling and leaving trails of blood
Soaked in the remnants of you
Shove everyone aside
Placing the brightest light on you
Until you need the transfusion

my sister-in-law
who I know
by face and name
asked me to share happy memories
to comfort
her children

she doesn't know
that I don't have
memories
good or bad

waiting at my mother's
before the funeral
I suggested
that we get out photo albums
to pass the time
and find a memory

she couldn't be bothered
she was afraid
we would take the photos

maybe she doesn't have
memories either

I do have
plenty of nightmares
maybe remembering
is easier
when you sleep.