"Why does it hurt, liking someone so much?"
"Because life is a give and take process. Once you only give, you'll end up having nothing, and the 'take' one, you'll miss it. Thinking why did you gave so much."

Hearing him say I love you, felt like everything is okay.
All is fine, and I can be happy for the next million years of this lifetime, and next lifetimes more.

There are many cases that we met the ones we’re destined to, right person in wrong timing.
But is it really wrong timing?
We met, for the reason that we are to meet someday.
We met, for there is no other time than ‘right now’ and ‘at this moment.’
We met, since we’re living in this world full of lies and deception, that it would take time to know who is who.
We met, to prepare ourselves for something so grand, so magical, that God knows we’re not ready yet.
Wait, maybe that’s the right term.
Not wrong timing, but we’re not just ready.
We’re not ready, but time will tell.
We met, unprepared. And we meet again, still unprepared but now carrying one’s soul.
Bond grew tighter, as if connected ever since born.
We met, to know each other. And we meet again, to stay.
I love you.

maybe it's the adulting life that's slowly sinking in
maybe it's the harsh reality that makes anyone feel numb
or maybe it's just everyday that there's always a part that we need to be strong

but whatever it is,
whatever the world may throw,
or if everyone else is trying to bring anyone down,

I know that I will always have you,
and it's beyond unimaginable and surreal that you're patient with me,
that you still care for me,
and that you'll always be there,
in these tough times.

thank you for being with me.
I'm so glad you exist.

It was never easy.

Life was never easy. Life, that I know, is a series of ups and downs, as cliche as it sounds. My life right now is at the rock bottom. I do experience happiness, from time to time and I get to experience the whole joy of experiencing the happy moments because of the bottom pits of hell I'm experiencing right now and I'm thankful. But all of my problems now are bearable. Bearable to the point that I know everything has a solution. All of my problems has a solution, except for one.

It was you.

I considered you before as a light on the deep end of this dark pit tunnel, and I also told you that verbatim. You were the peace I have never experienced, and I was grateful. Out of all the people I met, I thought you were the person who will show me why it didn't work out with anyone else. But life surprises me in a way I certainly did not expect.

You became the problem I cannot solve. I now run away from you. I now hate myself each and every time we talk, either in messages or in person. It feels like my worth is gradually falling. You became so unavailable, it reminded me of my parents. I always tell myself to not settle, and to not lower down to what I do not deserve, yet my heart is weak whenever you are present. My heart cannot understand why it keeps forgetting the pain you already caused. It waited for you for months. After months of waiting because of no contact, it thought it would feel the peace again. It missed the peace. Or was it really peace? I cried when you messaged again. I thought to myself, "Could I not be alone anymore? Could I not feel alone anymore?" and yet... you caused me another pain. Another trauma I am not sure I can heal. Why did you even bother contacting me again? I believe I was content of the thought that you need time to heal. So I waited. I gladly waited. My heart unconsciously waited. You would not know how my heart jumped, and how emotional I got when you messaged again. All these thoughts of, "Was he already healed? Is he okay?" and you would not know how broken I got when the answers were still a no. You would not know how the pain doubled when your intentions are not what I expected. It hurt more. It hurt a lot more. How dare you? I am worth more than how you treat me. My friends always remind me of my worth, and yet... Why is my heart so deaf? Why can't my heart listen? Why is it still you? I look for you in every person. The good side of you. The side of you that I saw. Yet you would not even believe in yourself that you have that side. Weeks have passed and I don't want to tell this but I miss you. Even if you hurt me, I miss you. Even if it pains me, I miss you.

And I hate it.

It’s funny how some of us have to meet a lot of lessons before we meet “the one.”
It’s also funny how some of us could meet our persons without having to meet some of lessons.
Let’s call them group one and group two, respectively.
Group one usually gets jealous as to how group two do not need to feel hurt multiple times just to meet their persons, their other halves.
Group two usually gets confused as to why group one cannot see what is wrong with what they are doing.
Both can love the same way, both can provide the effort the same way.
Where does it differ?
Group one usually can last for a very short period of time, and they do not see it as often; consistency, most of the time, is not in their vocabulary.
Group two, on the other hand, can last a lifetime. They already know the difference of respect, trust and love, and how those three work together. Without respect, there would be no trust. Without trust, love cannot survive alone.
When both group two meet, you could say it’s too good to be true, but it’s real.
When group one and group two meet, usually group one becomes a part of group two, and both of them can wholly respect, trust, and love for a long period of time. Rare cases of group one being so strong, and making the group two transfer to group one, is not a good outcome and eventually…
When both group one meet, it could cause destruction for both sides.
How can a group one person transfer to group two?
It’s the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing to do.
If you think you’re part of the group one, look at yourself. All parts of you, good and bad. Learn yourself, which parts are your best? Which parts are your worst? And love them all.
If you think you’re part of the group two, congratulations. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve suffered a lot. Good job on your inner work. I am so proud of you.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what was right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i am most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness
this darkness felt hollow,
i do not feel alive, yet i am moving
i do not feel anything, yet i am strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i am a ghost, in a human's body
and i do not know how long i would be hollow
this might be my silent call for help

I am scared.

I dreamt of you last night.
There’s always this thought of me to not regret any second we’re together.
That’s why I wanted to be the first one to say “I love you” and it’s okay if you won’t say it back.
After all these months that we didn’t see each other.
I’m okay if you won’t say you love me, I just wanted to put my message across.
That I love you, and I’ll love you ‘til my last breath.
Then an unexpected happened in my dreams.
You said “I love you” first.
And I said “I love you” back.
I won’t forget this dream, and I dreamt of you again.
Twice.
I’m thankful that we get to see each other, that we get to talk to each other.
Again, even if it’s in my dreams.
I love you.

They can make her happy, but not quite.

I once wrote your name
                  full of admiration and flame.

white was the color that represents peace
blue was the color i'm seeing everyday
red was the color you wanted

the colors we bring, they don't match at all
surrounding every horizon we pass
makes a path of rainbow
that is pleasing to the eyes

"i can't be with you anymore"
you've never said it, but i felt it
i felt how you wanted to tear this up
or did i just,
assumed that red could become a purple,
a color more closer to blue?

"i can't love you the way you've loved me"
unspoken words seem to be louder
than words spoken with mouth

an orange sun once came,
it's too bright it could make anyone blind
but you were wearing shades since the day we met
i didn't know it was for that

i'm too blinded by the colors
that i'm not aware red and blue are primary colors
someone told me, "lower your standards for a sec"
...can i?

can i let my glow be of that secondary?
can i forget who i really am just for a guy?
of course... no.

"hi"
someone said
"did you miss someone?"
yes, always
"is that someone worth it?"
i think so
"are you happy at the end?"

why?
why ask someone what they've felt at the end?
why can't you ask someone what they've felt at start?

"because everything that ends, is settled
you can't make a bitter ending
that's forced"

"Am I too dependent on others for my happiness?"
"No. Humans are made to be with other people."

Someday, we'll waltz together.

just how many sorry
should i receive
to get what i deserve?

sumabay sa pag-agos, ang sabi ng iba
mas hindi ka raw mapapagod, ang sabi ng iba
mas madaling gumaya sa ginagawa nila, ang sabi ng iba
pero bakit ganoon

sinubukan kong sumabay sa agos
sinubukan kong gumaya sa ginagawa nila
pero bakit tila mas napagod pa ako?

iilan lang kaming nagtatanong
iilan lang kaming pilit kumakawala
sa kung anong agos na sinusundan nila.

""You like because, and you love despite."

Hi ----. I wanna start my Christmas greeting with that special quote above. The moment I start liking you, it was all of the "because." Because you're funny, because you make me happy in times I can't even raise my lips to form a smile, or because your jokes are on different level that my humor can't keep up. You are that guy whom anyone can be with and not feel any awkwardness at all. Everyone like you as you are, because of those "because's." But hey, here comes the second part of the quote: the moment when I started to love you and everything became a moment of "despite." I love you despite of our differences. I may be that girl who's weak and tender, and keeps that laughing face to protect her from hurting, and you may be that guy who doesn't care at anyone or anything, but I still love you. I love you despite of not being the guy that's my type. You're far from my type and I think you knew that. I love you despite of what you chose to be, and I'll still be here to support you whatever your choice will be.

Every moment I spent my day thinking and being with you, I get to know more about you. And the more I know about you, the more my love goes deeper for you. It's funny how God didn't gave me someone who's perfect, but someone whom I need and want. I want someone who doesn't smoke, He gave me you. I want someone who likes & cares about kids genuinely, He gave me you. I want someone who has compassion in everyone, He gave me you. He gave me someone who is not only just capable of being perfect for me, but also someone who's willing to take care of me regardless of whatever status we may be.

Merry Christmas. I will always be here, and when I say that, I mean it. I love you.