since i was a little girl,
i've been a very good actress
earlier in life, i was a golden girl
way ahead than my peers, a shining over-achiever
good in being too much, too much unlikeable

in my teenage years,
i played the role of misery
with grey clouds hanging over my head
custom-made puddles beneath my feet
and hand-drawn cross-stitches on my left wrist

through the end of adolescence,
i starred in a star-crossed romance
in which i was a frustrating lover
the "always leaving others" lover
the "you will only understand my action when we're in our 40s" lover

now that i am a 2 years old adult,
i am acting like a lost child in a big playground
mind spiraling down the slide
shaky judgements on the see-saw
the fool climbing the monkey-bar

man, i am such a star...

Without its planets
The sun is just another
Solitary star

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am sitting on the floor
right where you left me

i think i think i think
it was all in my head, it cannot be real
i am right where you left me
with questions you never cared to heed

"how was your day?"
how have you been?
two questions, with only one answer
always me, you...never

"is there any problems?"
why are you frowning?
i lay it all on the table
you say it was none of my business

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am lying on the bed i made
right where i left "you"

i think i think i think
it was all in my head, this cannot be real
why am i here, where i left you?
i have no answers, you never cared to give

you said you did not understand
said it was my lack of communication
my flaws were like a communal service
and my queries were confrontational...i guess

like when you undress me in the evening
while you were fully-clothed all night
used to say i kept hiding
but it was me, you never fully trust in...

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am standing on the spot you missed
right where we left us

i think i think i think
it was all in our heads, it was not real
why are we here, where we left us?
only one of us have the answer,
this time it is me:

you loved me so good,
you did not let me do it back

but love, is a two-sided coin
pennies for your thoughts
...which i never got

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

I wish you had arrived
when I still believed in love
I wish I had met you
when there was still
space in my heart
I wish I had heard your song
when I still believed in melody

My laundry didn't fall off the clothesline
Today was windy and the sun shines
Cheers to small victories!

you coax me in my turbulent nights
you keep me tight under the sheets
you hold me through the days
you let me rest and relax
you tell me to be carefree
you showed me freedom
you made me rest my pieces
that no risk need to be calculated
or so it seems

little did i know
your stomach was kept full when i lose appetite
the midnight oil was burnt for the sake of your future
you trade my property for treasure
you drove my car, convince me i don't need a license
you turn my life around and make it yours
you overrun my house, made me felt i was at home

your comfort, safety,
the rest, time and space you offered me
was your building blocks to a self-made reverie
a better bigger you, and the little old me
you practise and practise
while i eschew all plans for you
you decide to rebrand everything new
puzzles and chess
and when it all collides
when i see what conspires
too late for the afflicted
****, i am checkmated