beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I love you and I thought you knew that.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

What happened to the plans we made?

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Your mother called me today.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

You never did your half of the dishes.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Thank you. For everything. I mean it.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Why would you do this to me?

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

*******. You took everything away from me! Everything!

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I'm sorry. Please come back.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

My sheets don't smell like you anymore.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Not even drugs make me happy anymore. You took everything. I hope you know that.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so ******* much.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I love you. I do. I always will. I promise. ****.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so much.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Your sister is shutting off this phone and I don't know what I'll be able to do if I can't call you.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so ******* much. I visited your grave today. I can't believe I've survived fifteen days without you.

beep
beep
beep

The number you have dialed is not in service. Please check the number and dial again. Good-bye.

beep beep beep*

I'll hear your voice again tomorrow. I love you. I'll see you soon.

beep beep go the cars
beep beep go the SUVs
beep beep go the trash trucks
beep beep go the busses
beepeeeee beepeeeee go the fire engines
beepeeeee beepeeeee go the ambulances

beep beep go the shovelers
beep beep go the snow trucks
beep beep go the Fed Ex guys & UPS ers

beep beep go the watches
beep beep go the alarms
beep beep go the microwave ovens
beep beep go the washers & dyers

beep beep go the beepers
that are driving me beep beeping insane

beep beep

beep beep goes the Road Runner
but that one does not
drive me beep beeping insane!

beep! beep!

beep! beep!

beep! beep!

beep! beep!

Okay, now, really,
you have driven me beep beeping insane.

Wake up

beep beep beep

The alarm is going off

beep beep beep

The alarm is always going off

beep beep beep

Stretch your legs until they hit the armrest on the couch

beep beep beep

Why am I sleeping on the couch

beep beep beep

The girl you paid for is upstairs

beep beep beep

Tangled in your bedsheets and snoring loudly

beep beep beep

You couldn't sleep

beep beep beep

My mind is working slow

beep beep beep

Shut that ******* alarm off

beep bee------

It's a struggle to sit up straight
Even more to get off of the couch
I try once,
Twice...
On the third time I use the couch's springs to launch myself to standing position

I almost fall back down when the tequila from the night before
Reaches my head and gives me the spins
I steady myself by finishing off a warm beer bottle sitting on the table
And add it to the piles of empty

My head clears
I think it clears
I'm not sure what clear feels like much anymore
I shake my head clear of these thoughts

Stumble towards the stairs
And step on a used ******
It follows me up the stairs like a piece of snake skin clinging to my foot

Thirteen steps feels like climbing Everest
I sit down on the seventh and wonder if its worth it
It's not
Nothing ever is
But I crawl up the remaining stairs and stand ***** in the hallway

I open the door to my bedroom
Her snores echo in the mostly empty room and she's mumbling someone's name

I block it all out and leave a couple fifties on the dresser
Close the bedroom door and walk to the bathroom

I drop my boxers on the floor;
Knocking loose the ******;
Scratch my ***** and **** out the nights alcohol

I'm feeling dehydrated now

The shower is on now
I step inside and let the water wash down on me
In these short moments I feel alive and awake

I try to hold onto this feeling but it always fades

The water is getting colder
I can feel my spine tense up under it

****, I don't want to
I never do

I shut the water off and towel dry poorly
Beads of water still dripping from my naked body as I walk around the house

I open the door to my room
There's a pile of work uniforms sitting in the corner
I'm not sure if they're ***** or clean
But I don't much care either way

The girl stirs
Coming awake long enough to ask me to **** her again
I tell her I can't but if...
I let the sentence trail off as her snores start again

I stare at her as I pull my pants on and throw on a button up shirt
She's beautiful in a damaged way
Her life is etched in the lines and faults of her body and she needs to eat
I tell myself tonight I'll buy her dinner before we **** ourselves to death

My **** lingers to life for a minute at that thought
But I'm running late and have no time to see it through

I kiss her softly on her forehead
I haven't done that to someone in a long time and it feels foreign to me
I shrug the feeling off and head outside to my car

I turn the key and the engine cranks but doesn't start
I turn the key again expecting different results and not getting them

*****

I take out the flask in my glove box and take a long drink of the single malt scotch inside it
I feel my insides burning with life as it works its way into my stomach
I crank the key again and the engine sputters to life

I get out of the car, remove the wheel chalks, and jump back in as the car slowly rolls backwards out of the driveway

I throw the gears into drive and head towards work
Getting stopped by every red light along the way
I sip away at the flask at every stop
And by the time I get to work it's empty
I immediately dread the sober drive home in twelve hours

I pull in through the gate at work and idle my car into the first parking spot I can find
About half a mile from the front door

The guards are standing around talking sports
One is an ex-cop
He sees me and grabs the wand to scan me

He spots a book in my lunchbox
Says, "oh you're one of those readers; I never had the patience for that ****."
"Yeah me neither. It's toilet paper."
He chuckles, I roll my eyes
And go out into the factory to punch in

I wait until it's a minute past my start time and punch my time card in
I sneak away from the morning meeting and go to the bathroom
Smoking cigarettes for the next hour until the cleaning crew comes in and kicks me out

I work my shift by hiding away from the cameras and other people as much as possible

I punch out for lunch and go to a gas station down the street and buy a six pack
It's a three pack by the time I clock back in

I finish my day off by wandering the rafters above everyone's head
They never look up
I watch them
Study them
Stare down exposed cleavage

Joe comes up the ladder and interrupts my voyeurism
"this where you been hiding?"
"mostly"
"one of those days?"
"aren't they all."
"yeah. listen, I'm going to the bar after work. you drinking?"
"when am I not?"
"true. so I'll see you there?"
"probably."

I lied.
Joe has a certain way of weaseling out of paying his tab and I'd rather not be the ***** today

A half hour left until my shift is over
I sneak off to the bathroom again and smoke a couple cigarettes before I punch my time card and leave

I hit every red light on the way home
My three pack is gone by the time I hit the last red light

I pull into my driveway just as the girl is waking up and about to leave
She smiles at me and makes small talk
I ask her if she is hungry
Her smile widens
"yes*" she says

We go out to eat at some roadside diner down the street, stop in the bar for a few beers and comradery,
Pick up some wine and a bottle of *** on the way home

And **** and drink until sunrise

I call off work

And we **** for both our money's worth.

The (beep) painting (beep) dates (beep, beep) from (beep)
Holbein’s (beep) first (beep) visit (beep) to (beep)
England (beep) oil on oak (beep) a (beep) golden
Tudor (beep) rose (beep) over his heart (beep)

The chain of office his aurea catena
Of faith in God and in his king (beep, beep)
Is (beep) the (beep) paper (beep) in (beep) his
Hands (beep) Averil (beep) Manchin’s (beep) petition?

Saint Thomas seems to look so far away –
Perhaps he sees beyond his martyrdom day




Except for the rhyming couplet I’m having a bit of fun here. The Holbein painting of St. Thomas More is beautiful (beep) in every way, and I am grateful for the opportunity to spend some time before it. The Tudors to Windsors: British Royal Portraits from Holbein to Warhol exhibition is brilliant as is everything the Houston Museum of Fine Arts does:  https://www.mfah.org/

Saint Thomas More, ora pro nos

It was the 7th grade , you sat across the room from me
i would sit there day dreaming of what could be
one day i worked up the courage to ask you on a date
i was so anxious that day i just couldnt wait
we went for ice cream because you screamed so loud when you saw the sign
you dropped yours but thats okay , we got to share mine
i walked you home that night confident that the night went alright
so i turned and said to you , darling would you kiss me goodnight?
success!
my eyes shut
* * *
my eyes open , we made it through highschool
it feels like it happened all to soon
we toss up our caps and pack up our bags
because now we want to be college grads
before we head out we spent one last night at home
we talked so much my mother threatened to cut off the phone
so i decided to sneak out to see you
because there was one more thing i had to say to you
I looed deep into your eyes and said baby i love you
but before i could leave i had to say my best line
darling would you kiss me goodnight?
you rolled your eyes at me but it still worked
the picture fades
* * *
The camera rolls
were walking on the beach next to the tumbling waves, as you clutch your red balloon
i didnt do such a bad job picking a spot for our honeymoon
i still couldnt believe the reaction of your old man
when i asked to have your hand
he started to cheer
then started to chug bottles of beer
the wedding was perfect but when you walked down the aisle my heart stalled
the best description i could give would be cinderella attending her ball
the attendence of your family was small
but thats okay we can share mine
so now as we roll in the sand
we lay as the waves crash on land
I turn to you and say darling would you kiss me goodnight
this time you shocked me by saying .. every night
end of scene
* * *
The pen hits the page
beep beep beep
its the day we dreamed of
after 9 months of mood swings, cravings, and craziness
beep beep beep beep
after many hour of labor , finally the baby is here
Sarah , thats what we name her , you opened your arms to have her near
beep beep beep beep beep
you never got to hold her even though thats the only thing you wanted to do
i couldnt believe my eyes , i was losing you
beep beep beep beep beep beep
one of the nurses took sarah so i could kneel by your side
the pain in my eyes was too much to hide
beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
your fading away, what do i say
i opened my mouth to say it was going to be okay
but you shushed me and whispered ... darling would you kiss me goodnight?
end of chapter
* * *
The intro
it saddens me that i wont be there when you wake
and that i wont be there to answer Sarah's cries
or when she calls you momma and your look of surprise
or be there to tell her she can date when her age isnt on the clock but i go by military time
or be with you in your golden years
to stand by you and face your fears
i wanted to grow old with you for goodness sake
but the thought of losing you was more than i could take
they say your heart wasnt big enought , but thats okay you can have mine
so you see this letter is for you
dont be angry just hear me through
i love you and its my job to protect you
i only did what i had to do
so when you feel sad and alone just think back
to the very 1st date when you dropped your double chocolate mint cone
or the many others when we wouldnt get off the phone
how you made me smile
from end to end it would measured a mile
or the day you said yes to being my wife
but most importantly .... that you made my life
conclusion
* *

Beep, beep, beep
The sound of the monitor is strong and steady.
Beep, beep, beep
The sound of life, familiar and unchanging.

Beep, beep, beep
A constant noise, reminding us that we are alive
Beep, beep, beep
It is something we come to depend on, that incessant shrill.

I stand perched on the edge of the rabbit hole,
Gazing into its depths, the dark is so alluring - so peaceful.
Beep
I take a step forward hoping to see through the blackness
Only to find myself walking down a slippery *****.
Beep, beep

Things suddenly slow down, the monitor grows quiet.
Beep...beep...beep...
Vibrant colors begin to fade, turning into a dull monochromatic hue.
Beep.....beep.....beep.....

As I travel down this precarious path
I begin to wonder how I will climb back up.
I shove the thought to the back of my mind
My forward momentum overcoming any second thoughts.

The earth suddenly disappears from beneath my feet!
I find myself in an unexpected free-fall,
Trying to grab on to anything I can find,
I cry for help, only to find my mouth sewn shut.

The darkness that was so attractive before shows its true colors,
Of which there are none - a void bereft of light.
Panic takes me with a cold grasp,
Squeezing the warmth out of my heart.

As I fall, I look up at where I came from,
Only to see a mere pinpoint of white.
The dark is swallowing me whole,
And I become paralyzed by fear.

My descent into the dark has only begun,
And all the while I strain my ears for the sound of life,
Only to find it has nearly disappeared.
The noise that irritated me so before has become my only friend.

Beep.....beep................

Im a ticking timebomb...
Beep beep beep
Any minute the emotions go...
Causing disturbance and watching it.....flow...
Beep beep beep
Each second the time goes down...
20...19...18...
Im a ticking timebomb...
Beep beep beep
On one point ready to blow...
17... 16... 15...
The time slowly ticking down...
I fear as though my time is short...
Im a ticking timebomb...
Beep beep beep
Any minute the emotions go...
14... 13... 12...
My time is almost up...
I fear I won't say goodbye...
11... 10... 9...
I am a ticking time bomb...
Beep beep beep
Trying to stop my fuse....
8... 7... 6...
To find my life was a blast...
Time to sit back and give up...
5... 4... 3...
Its time for me to say my final goodbye....
2... 1...
I am a ticking time bomb...
Beep beep beep
On an endless trail of death although my life is short it was worth it...
I am a ticking time bomb...
Here to say I'm sorry...

”how are you feeling?”

that question hovered above me

how am i feeling

i drown out my thoughts with the sounds of my hospital room
the

beep

beep

beep

echoes through me as i try to blink
how am i feeling

“i don't really, uh, know i guess“

the words trailed off
being quietly drowned out by
the

beep

beep

beep

“says you tried to hang yourself“

i twitched at the sound of that
the nurse's voice, mechanical almost but a tinge of concern slipped through

beep

beep

beep

“yeah“

my mouth dry and chest hollow
i couldn't feel anything
yet the tears came
a violent wave spilling from my eyes
i could feel her staring
possibly empathizing
or spacing out

lifting my arm to wipe the tears
i felt the IV move in my vein
i felt nauseous
watching the tube faintly move as i gently flexed my arm

“do you need anything? water? crackers?“

beep

beep

beep

“no, thank you“

deja vu
i sit up
body aches
eyes shift down

beep

beep

beep

feeling my neck where the rope had constricted
an indentation
feeling the rope's texture, i began to feel immaculately empty
like a sterile needle
like an operating room
like the pauses between the

beep

beep

beep

“i would like some water please“

I love my son
The other day we went to the game
~Beep Beep~

You Know
He wants to be a doctor when he grows up
~Beep Beep~

He gets all A’s in school
Smartest in this class
~Beep Beep~

You should see the kid eat
He has quit the appetite
~Beep Beep~

He seems to be getting curious about girls
I am going to have to have “the talk” with him
~Beep Beep~

I love to hear him say “I love you”
He is a caring son
~Beep Beep~

Did I tell you he was all-star on this team
They got 1st place at state
~Beep Beep~

Can’t wait till he drives
I have taught him a lot
~Beep Beep~

One day he will be married
He will have kids of his own
~Beep Beep~

My son will live a great life
He will be someone
~Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep~

These thoughts run through my head
But the cancer was stronger
Even though he is gone
He lives on in my mind

Dim Print…

Left side to right side…  “Where’s the error?”
Right side to left… “What was right?”
And the back and forth and back and forth and back and forth continues until the conversation fades into nothingness…
A black void of pointless banter like a debate where there’s no winner
Rhetoricals like a tennis ball or ping-pong match that never ends
Background chatter…  eyelids close… slumber…

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP snooze BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP snooze BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Fine…  

I open my eyes and the dialog continues
Slurping down the dark sweet brew hoping the bitterness will bring relief, but it does not.
Substance whittled down like an old kook’s dead branch
The shavings fall to the earth and rot into insignificance
Such is life…

Getting on with the day, with dreams that the work will now still the mind
Clackity Clackity Clack on the keyboard…
the rhythmic sound provides beats for MC Left side and Right side to lay their rhymes down
Left side to right side…  “Where’s the error?”
Right side to left… “What was right?”
And the back and forth and back and forth and back and forth continues
Until the tête-à-tête makes its way onto the screen itself

Frustrated, a third voice intervenes…
Why is there a right? Why is there a wrong?
Why do we continue this chat all day long?
For the love of all that is free, let’s just agree to disagree.
raise the roof in the veracity of the things that will be
silence…  still psyche… embark on a mindtrip blissfully

Beep...Beep...Beep

In a chaotic instant

The memories of this life that has been

Unfold in the distorted window

That lays within my mind.

There is madness.

There is confusion.

But there is also an odd calm

That overwhelms me.

Beep...Beep...Beep...

Voices around me screaming.

A manic energy fills the place.

My eyes are filled with emptiness.

My hands don't want to move.

A shadowy figure emerges from the distance.

Beep...beep...beep...

Some unknown object rips into me.

The delirium is suffocating.

There's no obvious escape route.

There's nowhere for me to go.

Beep...beep...beep....

Smooth metal bars lay at my side.

Is it some kind of twisted prison?

More and more people surround me.

The voices are almost too much.

Beep...beep...beep...

Another sharp jab to my body.

Another odd wave of hysterics.

A mysterious warmth comes over me.

And beckons me to go with it.

Prison bars fade into darkness.

Freedom has come at last.

Beep...Beep..................

"Beep-beep.
BANKERS TRUST AUTOMOBILE LOAN
You'll find a banker at Bankers Trust"
Advertisement in N.Y. Times

When comes my second childhood,
As to all men it must,
I want to be a banker
Like the banker at Bankers Trust.
I wouldn't ask to be president
Or even assistant veep,
I'd only ask for a kiddie car
And permission to go beep-beep.

The banker at Chase Manhattan,
He bids a polite Good-day;
The banker at Immigrant Savings
Cries Scusi! and Olé!
But I'd be a sleek Ferrari
Or perhaps a joggly jeep,
And scooting around at Bankers Trust,
Beep-beep, I'd go, beep-beep.

The trolley car used to say clang-clang
And the choo-choo said toot-toot,
But the beep of the banker at Bankers Trust
Is every bit as cute.
Miaow, says the cuddly kitten,
Baa, says the woolly sheep,
Oink, says the piggy-wiggy,
And the banker says beep-beep.

So I want to play at Bankers Trust
Like a hippety-hoppety bunny,
And best of all, oh best of all,
With really truly money.
Now grown-ups dear, it's nightie-night
Until my dream comes true,
And I bid you a happy boop-a-doop
And a big beep-beep adieu.