February 2024 (Lunar New Year)

Red envelopes, a digital glow.
Her apartment, a small diaspora.
Dragon dances on a screen,
fireworks muted by time zones.
He sends a photo, plum blossoms,
a scroll with a calligraphic wish.
"Xīnnián kuàilè" she types, fingers flying,
a pang of home, a new year’s echo.

March (International Women's Day)

She speaks of her grandmother,
bound feet, unbound spirit.
He listens, a quiet respect,
a history he seeks to understand.
Emails filled with stories,
feminine strength, ancient wisdom.
He sends her a poem, Li Qingzhao,
translated with care, a delicate offering.

April (Qingming Festival/Easter)

Ancestral graves, a digital visit.
He lights incense, virtual smoke,
a gesture of shared remembrance.
Easter eggs, pastel and bright,
a Western symbol, a gentle contrast.
They discuss life, death, rebirth,
the cycles of nature, the soul’s journey.

May (Mother's Day)

He sends a package, silk scarves,
a teacup painted with peonies.
She calls her mother, a long conversation,
then calls him, a voice soft with gratitude.
He speaks of his own mother,
her simple kindness, her enduring love.
They find common ground, mothers remembered,
a bridge built of shared sentiment.

June (Dragon Boat Festival/Father's Day)

Zongzi, sticky rice, sweet dates,
she makes them from a recipe,
a taste of childhood, a memory shared.
He sends a photo, a dragon boat race,
a vibrant spectacle, a shared experience.
Father's Day, a quiet reflection,
his own father, a man of few words,
but deep, enduring actions.

July (Mid-Year/Independence Day)

Summer heat, a digital escape.
He sends photos of his garden,
lush greenery, a peaceful haven.
She sends photos of her city,
concrete canyons, vibrant energy.
Fireworks across the divide,
a shared moment of light, a distant celebration.

August (Qixi Festival)

The Weaver Girl and the Cowherd,
a celestial love story, told and retold.
He sends a handmade card,
a constellation drawn in silver ink.
She writes a short story,
their own tale, a modern myth.
Longing, distance, a love that persists,
a thread connecting two distant stars.

September (Mid-Autumn Festival)

Mooncakes, round and golden,
shared through a screen, a virtual feast.
He sends a recording, a moonlit poem,
a melody of ancient words.
She sends a painting, a rabbit on the moon,
a whimsical image, a shared smile.
The moon, a silent witness,
a shared sphere, a common sky.

October (Double Ninth Festival/Halloween)

Chrysanthemums, symbols of longevity,
he sends a dried bouquet, a lasting gift.
She sends a photo, her costume,
a playful spirit, a moment of lightness.
Halloween, a night of masks and stories,
a shared fascination with the unseen.
They discuss aging, wisdom, the passage of time,
a conversation deep and meaningful.

November (Thanksgiving)

He cooks a traditional meal,
a table set for two, a place for her in spirit.
She makes Shànghǎi làjiàng miàn,
a fusion feast, a celebration of her heritage.
They express gratitude, for each other,
for the unexpected connection, for the love that blooms.
A shared warmth, a quiet contentment,
a thankfulness that transcends distance.

December (Winter Solstice/Christmas)

Dumplings, a winter tradition,
she makes them with friends, a shared warmth.
He lights candles, a quiet ritual,
a celebration of light in the darkness.
Christmas carols, a familiar melody,
a shared appreciation for the season.
He sends a small, carved wooden box,
an intricate design, a symbol of hope.

January 2025 (New Year's Day)

A new year, a fresh start,
a promise of change, a hope for reunion.
They make plans, tentative and exciting,
a journey across oceans, a meeting of hearts.
He sends a poem, a promise of spring,
a vision of shared days, a future unfolding.

February 2025 (Lunar New Year)

Another dragon dances, brighter this time.
She plans a trip, tickets purchased,
a promise of presence, a physical connection.
He prepares his home, a space for her,
a welcoming embrace, a shared future.
Hope, respect, love, a foundation,
a new year, a new beginning, together.

March 2025 (International Women's Day)

They walk, hand in hand,
through a garden bursting with spring.
Stories shared, faces seen,
the distance collapsed, the journey begun.
A new year, a new chapter,
love, finally, tangible and real.

Future 2025

He proposes on the ninth day of the ninth lunar month, a double nine, symbolizing longevity and eternity.  Nine days of introductions to family and friends, a whirlwind of new faces and shared meals, laughter bridging cultures. Nine months of courtship, exploring their adopted city together, discovering hidden corners and shared passions.  A wedding, a blend of East and West, traditions intertwined, vows spoken in two languages.  Nine days of honeymoon, a secluded beach, the ocean a constant rhythm, their love a new melody, echoing into a future filled with promise.

Marriage is changing, from who can get married (37 states now allow gay marriage!) to who actually ends up doing it. Only 26% of millennials are married, a sharp decrease from 36% of Generation X and 48% of baby boomers, according to the Pew Research Center. But marriage isn't obsolete — in fact, in many ways it's thriving as we re-evaluate what the institution really means to us.

And with re-evaluating marriage comes re-evaluating weddings. The Knot's "2014 Real Weddings Study" found that couples are foregoing traditional wedding customs to modernize their nuptials through their choice of rings, dresses and officiants.

That includes — perhaps most importantly — the vows. Couples today are taking cues from badass brides like Amelia Earhart, who banned the word "obey" from her 1931 wedding vows, and reciting promises to one another that reflect the partnerships they strive for. Here are 12 real-life couples who vowed...

1. "To split the difference on the thermostat."

Why it's awesome: When Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston got married, Pitt pledged to "split the difference on the thermostat." While that partnership didn't last, as we all know, it was a lighthearted vow that highlights a crucial element of modern marriage: compromise. The key to a happy marriage is learning how to meet halfway.

2. "To be a true and loyal friend to you."

Why it's awesome: Marriages weren't always about intimate, caring partnerships between equals. But we know well enough now that the happiest, most long-lasting marriages are those in which partners see each other as friends (even studies have proven it true). Jevan's vows to Alithea, shared by the Knot, are a reminder that the bedrock of friendship is what makes a modern marriage stand.

3. "To communicate fully and fearlessly."

Why it's awesome: Among the traditional promise of partnership and faith, real-life couple Anne and Gabrielle told the Knot they vowed "to communicate fully and fearlessly" as spouses. In our modern world, we have seemingly endless ways to communicate — text, email, Skype, Snapchat — and yet still have to work to connect. Sitting down face-to-face, making eye contact and being vulnerable with one another is still crucial, as is being honest without fear of judgment from your partner. Emojis aside, that's what really sustains a lasting relationship.

4. "To grab your **** even when we're old and wrinkly."

Why it's awesome: As we become more open about sexuality (thank goodness), it's only natural that a wink and a nudge find their way into the wedding vows. In an open thread on A Practical Wedding, Zach and Kate shared their vows, which included the promise "to hit on you in awesome accents and grab your **** even when we're old and wrinkly." This promise to keep the spark alive even years down the line is no small thing. After all, studies have shown that all it can take is a simple touch to maintain a ****** connection.

5. "To value our differences as much as our common ground."

Why it's awesome: Love is a powerful force to bring people together, even when they're divided by cultural background, religion and, increasingly, politics. As society grows more divisive and we hold tight to our views, it's valuable to remember that our differences don't have to actually divide us, as these vows from real-life couple Greta Christina and Ingrid, told to Patheos, show.

6. "To continue to love your children, as if they were my own."

Why it's awesome: A marriage isn't just a vow to one person, it's a vow to an entire family — future and present. In 2011, Pew Research found that more than 4 in 10 American adults have at least one "step relative" in their family, including a stepparent, a stepchild or a step or half sibling. These adults are just as likely as others to say that family is the most important element of their lives. So it's no surprise that people have been adapting their weddings to encompass the commitment to an entire family, as Sara M. did in her vows, shared on Offbeat Bride.

7. "To comfort you when the Falcons lose and drink beer with you when they win."

Why it's awesome: As Mallory summed up so perfectly to Eddie in their vows, shared by the Knot, appreciating each other's distinct interests and actively sharing in them together makes a huge difference. It goes beyond just putting on the Falcons jersey: Sitting down for the game and sharing a beer is what researchers would call "shared leisure," and it makes a big difference for marital satisfaction. That football game is more than just a football game.

8. "To never try to hurt you just because I'm angry or tired."

Why it's awesome: The chaos of our lives means lots of stress, lots of late nights and lots of exhaustion. (Unsurprisingly, Gallup found that 40% of American adults get less than the recommended amount of sleep.) That can actually wreak havoc on a relationship, which is why it's all the more important to anticipate the challenge. Sarah's vows to her husband, which she shared on A Practical Wedding, are a promise not to take out her stress and exhaustion on him. Instead, she vows to trust him throughout the chaos, "even when we veer from GPS directions, schedules, itineraries and to-do lists."

9. "I have called you my life partner, my significant other, my longtime companion, my lover. ... Now I vow to love you always as my lawfully wedded husband."

Why it's awesome: The vows said by George Takei and longtime partner Brad Altman at their wedding, after the passage of marriage equality in California, were unsurprisingly moving, given they were 21 years in the making. As couples, straight and gay, wait longer to get married (and cohabit in the meantime), labels like "husband" or "wife" are less crucial for defining the relationship than the moments a couple has shared. Takei and Altman's wedding was not proof of their commitment, but rather a tribute to the commitment they had already demonstrated — a truth echoed clearly in their vows.

10. "To be your partner in all things, not possessing you, but working with you as a part of the whole."

Why it's awesome: If we're really striving for egalitarian marriages, then recognizing the equal amounts of work required by each half, as partners, is crucial, especially as women's participation in the workforce keeps growing (57.2% compared to 69.7% for men in 2013). In order for both careers to receive equal focus, a promise not to "possess" but to work to support each other is key. Much like Amelia Earhart refused to use the word "obey," real-life couple Alex and Michelle promised to be each other's "equal in all things" in the vows they shared with the Knot.

11. "I will love you no matter what makes my blood circulate, or even no matter what provides my body with oxygen."

Why it's awesome: Traditional weddings tend to be religious occasions, but with increasing rates of atheism and marriages across faiths, religion is taking a back seat to a more personalized expression of commitment. As of 2013, only one third of couples opted to get married in a church, and even more are removing religion from their vows. But that doesn't mean the vows don't appeal to a higher sense of faith — in the other person or in the world, as these scientific, "atheistic" vows, translated from Swedish and shared on Reddit, prove.

12. "I see these vows not as promises but as privileges."

Why it's awesome: Marriage might have been necessary decades ago, but these days it's more of a choice. So it's only natural that the vows we recite — traditionally a list of duties and obligations — actually reflect the happy choice that marriage now is for so many.

Yuval and Dina chose to frame their vows as honors, as they shared with the Knot: "I see these vows not as promises but as privileges: I get to laugh with you and cry with you; care for you and share with you. I get to run with you and walk with you; build with you and live with you." With between 40% to 50% of marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, it's more important than ever that couples remind themselves that being with their partner is a privilege in itself, and one to never take for granted.

Source: http://www.graziadressau.com

Chapter 11:  The Butcher At The Corner

The butcher at the corner was always trying to teach my grandfather new words in Italian.  My grandfather was of Irish and German descent, but he always took the time to try and learn a few words so the next time he came into the shop, he could greet ‘Nick’ in a few words from his native tongue.  Nick in turned learned a few Irish limericks from my grandfather, interesting to be sure, but probably not stories he could tell around the dinner table at home.  

Every time my grandfather entered the shop, he would be greeted with: “Buongiorno Senior Danny,” and my grandfather would respond: “Top A The Mornin To Ya Senior Nicola.”  These two men formed a bond over many years that transcended any language barrier or separation of geography based on birth.  You could hear it in the laughter they shared, and see it in the mutual respect they held for each other in their eyes.  

My grandfather wanted to be able to share some culture with Nick, not because he was so interested in learning Italian, but because he was very interested in getting to know Nick. They became the best of friends over forty years and attended all family functions together.  As a duet, they often sang both Irish and Italian folksongs after a few ‘pints,’ or several glasses of the home made wine Nick made in his basement.

What they shared was special, and the superficial differences between them made it even more so.  The important thing is that they shared.  They shared a belief in their religion, their country, and in each other, that transcended any difference that you might notice from the outside. Together, they became bigger than either could be alone.  They knew this instinctively and made every effort to embrace these surface differences and make them their own.  My grandfather would often lecture me on Italian food and history, telling me, that this or that was so, because he had heard it from Nick.

                             In Their Laughter They Became One

The butcher at the corner, and my grandfather, figured out one of the great secrets of life, and that is that we’re only different in what we admit to.  If the same admission is that we’re fundamentally the same, we can travel down the road of sharing and community — basic tenets that America was founded upon almost 250 years ago.

To reach out, we first have to let go. We need to abandon the notion that only our way is best, and move away from the bias and prejudices that build fences among us. Only then will we realize that the other person is waiting for our acceptance to become something together that we could never be alone. Imagine this magnified over 300 million people.  That’s the way it used to be in our country, and to be truly great, that’s the way it will have to be again.

                        To Reach Out, We First Have To Let Go



Chapter 12: ‘All Roads lead To Rome’

Those who left home to serve their country, or to attend school, learned a magical lesson.  In the service, you learned that even though the guy in the bunk next to you may have been from Oklahoma, and you from New York, the ‘apparent and surface’ differences between you only magnified your attempt to get closer to each other.  In almost no time at all, you discovered that the big and fundamental things between you were the same.

His parents had raised him to respect his elders, our flag, God, and country, just as our parents had us.  Even though his small town in Oklahoma made have had a population of 207, and our town over 200,000, the lessons we had learned growing up transcended any census figure or geographical location.  We both had grown up in America, and whether big town or small village, cold northern climate or western panhandle, the things we valued were the core beliefs we shared.

                           Our Roads Really Did Lead To Rome

The Rome I am speaking of metaphorically is the common path we were all on. It was taking us to a better place where people of like mind worked together and sometimes died defending the things they believed in and the freedom that allowed those things to be so.  We didn’t agree in some sort of ‘stepford’ way. We agreed because we learned these lessons of correct behavior when we were very young. They were lessons that stood the test of time and felt right, not only when written down, but inside our hearts and minds as we were encouraged to do the right thing and to let ‘our conscience be our guide.’

Our ‘Rome’ was a shared ‘pursuit of happiness’ built into the American Dream, that every kid grew up seeking, and every adult treasured more than anything else.  It was the shared understanding that America was more than our buildings and our Declaration Of Independence.  America was our history, a history of freedom, paid for and insured by those willing to die for it.  Those who sacrificed led the way and have preserved our freedom for over 250 years.  It’s been said that there are no atheists in foxholes and I believe that’s true.  There are very few unpatriotic non-believers when we go through hardship and ultimately prevail together.  The reason we do it together is because, as a group, we have always believed and agreed upon its core value.

                                  Is That Still The Case Today?


During my junior year at college, one of my roommates, in the apartment we rented, was a black fellow named Tom from Newark New Jersey.  Tom had grown up in the poorest of inner-city neighborhoods, but through perseverance, diligence, and the support of a strong mother, he made it through high school with good grades and found his way to a good university.  He was also a good athlete.  

Tom couldn’t live the American Dream, like many of us, while he was young.  He had to wait until later, when he had his degree, and could go back and help his mother and brothers better their conditions at home.  Tom was able to do this because his mother never abandoned hope or her belief in him.  Mrs. Scott believed in the fundamental goodness of America. Even though her day in and day out life as a domestic worker was a challenge, she never gave up the hope that her children would do better.  America, up until the 1970’s, was a nation where children always did better than their parents, but that was an America that had a shared value system.
                                
The first two weeks Tom and I lived together there were many questions, as we prodded each other trying to find out how different we really were.  I was surprised and pleased to find out that Tom shared most of the values I had, and in many cases felt even stronger about them than me. We had had the same strong parenting and watched the same T.V. shows. Tom’s heroes were the same as mine, and we were both excited to find out that Willie May’s was our favorite baseball player.  In those first two weeks, Tom stopped being that kid from the urban ghetto and became a trusted friend. And one who almost forty years later has become a treasure in my life.  

I asked Tom one day what it must have been like walking home from school in Newark and playing outside on his block.  Tom explained to me what he heard from his mother, Esther, every night at the dinner table.  Mrs. Scott would tell her three boys that “The right thing is not dependant on who does it, being right is everyone’s duty and obligation. Just because someone chooses not to do the right thing doesn’t change what they should have done.”  Tom’s mother constantly reinforced to her sons that doing the right thing is the right thing to do for its own sake.  These are brave and insightful words from a woman whose physical and emotional playing field was not level … and certainly not fair.

She Believed In The Principles Of Right And Wrong In Spite Of Her Living Conditions  

Much of America over the past 200 years has been like that. Too many have struggled with adversity while still believing in the future and the power of positive change.  This has been made possible by the strong tenets of their faith and their belief in each other.

Tom’s mother also taught him to never dwell on the negative.  He was, and is, one of the most positive people I have ever known and has been a shining example to my children that anything in life is possible.  Tom didn’t know his father. He had abandoned the family when Tom was four but hadn’t been around much even during those first four years. Instead of using this as a crutch, or excuse, Tom became the man of the house and developed a sense of responsibility far in advance of his age.  He became the only ‘father figure’ his two younger brothers would even know.  

Tom told me these things, and more, on the way to a football game in Rhode Island one weekend in 1969. Because of the way we felt about each other, his story became part of my story.  I taught Tom to surf in Ocean City New Jersey the next summer, and I like to believe that part of myself became part of him.  I know I wanted it to be that way, and he has told me in so many words that he felt that way too. I remember vividly how my parents reacted to first meeting Tom when I brought him home for a Christmas visit in 1969.  

Both of my parents had grown up in poor neighborhoods during the ‘Great Depression’ and had tears in their eyes as Tom shared what it had been like growing up in Newark, in a two-room apartment, with a single parent.  My Mom and Dad loved him right away. Not because he had been poor and unfortunate, but just the opposite, because he was so rich in spirit.  My Dad and Tom became so close, as the years went on, that my Dad ended up becoming the father that Tom never had.  My father had grown up in a tough white ghetto, in the Kensington section of Philadelphia, and in many ways was more like Tom than me.  There’s something about true poverty that crosses all color lines.

Tom’s Road To Rome had more bumps and potholes in it than mine did, but we were pointed squarely in the same direction.  We both knew that in the ways we looked different, society would often focus on that. We also knew that because of our shared belief in what was possible, and in each other, we could change that perception.  By coming together as friends, we created something stronger than any bigotry or bias that would try to take that friendship away.  

By looking past our superficial and surface differences, we found what was real in each other and reveled in the things we both held dear. It was upon these things we shared that we built a lifelong friendship, one that shared the even bigger dream of our generation for a better world. One of the first things Tom and I shared was our music.  Our favorite artists were the great ‘Soul’ groups coming out of Detroit like the Temptations and the Miracles.  The power of music never ceases to amaze in the way it transcends division and separation, drawing the listener in to something higher and more cerebral.  Unfortunately, the powerful messages of love and togetherness, that these groups sang about, has been replaced by violent and negative ‘rap’ artists who glorify and give credence to the negativity of the streets in our inner city’s.

As a result of drug infestation, and the violence that accompanies it, the ability for a young man like Tom to travel the positive road to Rome has been made much more difficult.  Because we have not been able to agree on basic fairness issues, our inner cities have become denizens of the profane and brutal elements of our society, often feeding off themselves in a downward spiral of poverty and despair.  Every day, millions of kids are faced with the agonizing decision between doing the right thing or taking the easier and misleading road of drug pushing and violent street gang involvement.

Once we lose these young people to the world of drugs and gangs, it is almost impossible to ever get them back. Shining examples like Tom only make a small impact when he revisits his neighborhood and tries to work with the youth center where he grew up.  We need to put programs, and people, in place to spread and reinforce the messages of optimism, education, and a better life to these kids who, through no fault of their own, may never hear it any other way.  The road out of their neighborhood can lead to Rome also — if we can remove the barriers and roadblocks that obscure their view.  

The athletes who ‘escape’ the ghetto are few and far between and put a lace curtain on the overpowering problems that they are fortunate enough to leave behind. Their success often leaves a false impression on the kids still living there, thinking that they too will grow up to be Michael Jordan or Deion Sanders.  Is it possible … yes, but only for the very, very few. What about all the others that get left behind?  The lace curtain of false opportunity slowly closes, as these children become dropouts, and then wards of society, either on public welfare roles, or as inmates of an overburdened prison system.  

Tom went on to become a Doctor of Sports Medicine. In addition to his medical practice, Tom has a counseling service where he advises young college athletes. He reminds them that the ‘riches’ of pro sports happen only to the very few, and that the real riches of their athletic ability lie in the education that that ability has provided them.  

Through our time together, Tom and I discovered that our dreams were really the same.  The dream of maximizing our full potential, and having the opportunity to raise a family and provide and teach those same dreams to our children, happened for both of us.  Tom paid a much higher price for his dreams, and as a result, they mean even more to him.  

The possibility of two young men, coming together as Tom and I did and sharing the dream of America, gets tougher every year.  There are more obstacles in the way.  The sins of our fathers and grandfathers should not continue to be passed on, but the dreams that they collectively fought and died for should be.  

Someone once said: “Show me a man without a dream, and I will show you no man at all.”  One of the great tragedies of the new millennium is that we have stolen these dreams from our young people.  In destroying the roads that could transport them from where they are, to where they need to be, we commit cultural genocide.  A sin for which no punishment may ever be enough.  I heard a ‘Rap’ artist once say: “I sing about the streets, but I’m no longer from the streets.”  It’s an admission that he is making a lucrative living off the poverty and depression of those who unlike him can’t get out.  It seems, in many cases, that the dream of today is to shatter what’s left of the dream of others.                                

To change the way things are, we need to ‘share’ in not only the goodness that we all seek in our hearts, but in the nightmare of those who cannot dream the dream.  We now know that welfare doesn’t work … opportunity does!  The old saying that ‘it’s better to teach a man to fish than to feed a man a fish’ is as true in our nation’s poorest neighborhoods as in any segment of society.  

Most of my generation, despite the popular impressions of Woodstock etc., knew drugs were wrong, and most of us avoided them.  Even the few that used ‘recreational’ drugs during the 1960’s moved past them as they evolved into adulthood with families and careers. Most users were experimental … quickly in and then quickly out.  

Drugs today are the main economic disincentive of the black ghetto, although they appear the opposite to the young generation living there.  They exact a much bigger cost from their participants than any temporary financial gain they pretend to offer.  They create a culture that drives their users away from real opportunity, trading a fantasy future based on lies and corruption for one that has the true freedom and change that they so desperately need.  In most cases, it is the future itself that is stolen from these neighborhoods, to be replaced with a violent, and often life ending consequence, for those who are conditioned to feel that they have nothing left to lose.

The only thing necessary to reopen the economic, and cultural Road To Rome, is to change the minds of the younger people living there.  This will only be possible when real opportunity is presented early, with clear cut instructions showing how this will lead to a better and happier life.

If all roads lead to Rome … How Many Esthers Are There To Lead the Way?