It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

honestly i don't give a f if its controversial
why can't people actually think for themselves anymore?!

I feel so fed up and so angry inside,
maybe to others they think,
why does she care so much ?!
because I was harmed by this ideology
of gender,
of telling me that I am not a women,
of dictating to me who I must be ,
of what labels and what pronouns I should carry ,
that it no longer feels safe to me to be in my own community.

Of brainwashing so many others
no what we need is a more loving society
where women can be loud
without being labled as masculine or non binary
where men can be emotional without being labled as gay
can't you see its just mysogony in another form?

gender ideology
thinks its making strides ,
when its really just erasing women more,
and allowing people to steep more into their self hatred
instead of allowing others to be humans
without giving them labels,
to allow those who struggle with dysphoria
to learn how to love themselves
to sit with their pain ,
to ask why do I feel this way??
what has caused me so much pain to make me hate my gender that I was born into?

For me I realized
I experienced so much violence  by men
that it made me hate being a women in many ways,
I wanted to feel strong
I wanted to feel that my voice mattered
so I thought, sometimes I wanna be a man ,
but after thinking more and more I realized
that isn't the truth,
its that the world doesn't feel safe to me
to be a curvy outspoken women ,
who is loud passionate and blunt.
to feel and recoil inside
when the creepy men stare at me
like I'm a  **** -*** doll on wheels ,
I just wanna scream
from the rooftops
I AM A WOMEN,
Allow me to be FREE!

I left religion because it caged me in a box
and now i see that ideologies are the same.
I encourage you to think for yourself,
despite the cancel culture.
for only then can we know,
who isn't a robot
and who is a human.
Humans have their own thoughts,
robots don't question anything.
so start to question.

You called me fat
All I wanna do is punch your lights out
you were my brother
you were my best friend my whole life
and now your my enemy
and it took me so long to see
because I never wanted to see it
but now I have learnt its better to see
than not see
and I see your wounds
your narcissim
I watch you from a private Instagram
if someone would see us together they would never think that we are related
because you pertend to be kind
but your really not
You are dark
and I hope one day
healing finds you
because I still love you
even though
you have abused me so much

I hope you remember how kind you used to be
before you turned
the other way.
For Now,
you wear your  mysogony
as a badge ,
to prove to yourself
of the kind of  person you are.

I hope you learn to love yourself
and to love the women  around you,
as people
and to see me as who I am.

But I think its a lost prayer
that might not ever happen
so I have  to let go
and I understand
we all have our separate paths
in life,
so maybe this is yours.

I take my power back and
I let you go .
I reclaim myself
from you
from your judgmental
mean stares
and mean callous remarks
I will be strong despite you,
and I will wear my suits
and be who I am
despite what you think of me.
because me reclaiming myself
from my horrific abusive family
is an act of self love
its an act of power
of showing myself
that I matter above
their toxic opinions.