The friend request. There it was.
The gods must have sent it.
Here I am, two weeks in the past,
Staring dreamily into a picture of you.
Those eyes, garnished with thick dark eyelashes,
Staring deeply into someone you’ve never met.
That jet black hair. Shadowy curtains,
Keeping your heart-shaped face safe.
But those lips. Painted with pure blood daily.
The most inviting fruit before my own eyes.
Yours is a beauty I have only seen in French cinema.
Like Audrey Tatou, ordering in a restaurant,
With a smile of pure inviting mischief.
And I imagine…oh I imagine…
Am I ready to break this wasteland?
The scorching desert that is alone?
I can almost smell her foreign perfume.
But she is merely pixels upon a screen.
You snap out of it, son.

And lo, the friend request.
My stomach leaps as I click ‘accept’.
She types. She compliments.
I compliment. We chat.
We exchange clips of Led Zeppelin.
She sends me gothic rock.
Moody and dark. The blackest of music.
I am never wearing colours again.
And I take the leap. I type some x’s and some o’s.
And she types them back.

Let us meet.
Where do we meet in this god-forsaken town?
Coffee. Easy. Neither formal nor gritty.
Just enough class, just enough mediocrity.
And she sways across the floor and greets me.
Her dress is of vintage design and flowing beauty.
Her glasses project her gaze into mine.
Ordering coffee, sitting with her chin resting on her hand.
Her smile is as warm as the sun.
Is she Mia Wallace? Is this Pulp Fiction?
My witty remark is quite crude and depicts violence.
A normal girl would shudder and frown.
She loves it. She loves that sort of thing.
This was lovely. Let us do it again sometime.

Next minute, we’re kissing passionately in amongst the bamboo.
She cares not for my bristles. In fact she likes it.
Her lipstick gets destroyed. She cares not.
So much drive for a ******.
We’re a secret. No one shall know.
She messages me. Tells me she is still drunk on me.
What we have is otherworldly.
Are we two aliens, a race from a far-off land?
Destined to be together? The last of our kind?

We touch, we caress. We burn CDs.
Trip hop, soul orchestras and shoegaze.
Hand-written burnt CD track listings.
The fact that she has written each word
Brings warmth. It creeps up from my stomach
And my arms can’t help but engulf her little frame.
She calls me a genius.
She loves every single note I play, every word I write.
I am a god to her. She adores me. And I her.
She watches me lovingly on the stage.
And before she boards the train home
I tell her. Three words.
I love you.
It’s the truth. And she loves me back.
Was it too early to tell her this? No, surely not.

Our love creeps and crawls up the stone wall.
An overgrown vine of pleasure and euphoria.
Kiss me hard, push your face so hard into mine.
It’s time. Relax. Just go with it.
Olive skin, so soft. Cover me with you.
Nothing can stop our intergalactic empire.
I stand atop an interstellar battlefield of victory,
With you at my side, my Queen.
If I could just float around space in a bubble
With you my dear, I would be happy
For an eternity.

And you say you’re leaving.
You don’t want it to change us.
It won’t, I promise.
You must further yourself by any means.
Broaden your horizons.
I will still love you to death.
I promise.
And away you fly, off into the sunset.

The phone calls start. You’re in a bad way.
An alien in a strange city, on your own.
What’s going on? The choice has been made.
Think of the money. Can you back out now?
Not just for me, surely. Stick it out.
That’s it, you’re coming back.

And through the drizzle, the plane lands.
You’re back.
In a leather jacket and black dress. My love.
I kiss you like I used to.
But it isn’t like it used to be.
Wait, no. No no no.
What has happened?
My stomach hurts. This pain is excruciating.
Piranhas are attacking my insides.
Make them stop.
The tears burn. I stifle them for days and days.
And finally they fall. What the ****?
It’s gone. It’s just gone.
We sit together. I glance over at your frightened eyes.
I am a murderer, waiting around the corner,
Sharpening my knife for the ****** in the alleyway.
We must end. I don’t know why.
The feeling’s gone. I can’t explain it.
This was like an epic jouney.
I thought it would never end.
You were perfect.
You were badass. You were kickass.
You were beautiful.
You were amazing.
You adored me. You loved me.
You were perfect.
We were perfect.
I loved you.

Now I don’t.

What?

J.A.W. 19/10/11 1:20 AM

And the farm endured
seven fields to forty acres
the days of my father
saw grass and crops rotate
his toiling obsession now spent
gave way to a bigger scale

the old house storeyed
by one and a half
the bedroom where I slept
in the shadow of an older brother

the roof of grey slate
the peak of my world
reached my childhood sky

the overgrown garden
the consequence of labours elsewhere
the sycamore tree
my view of a world outside
the patch of monkshood remained
where I trapped bees in a jar
the fuchsia bush with flowers to pick
and **** nectar from within

the old dirt track road
the start of a jouney far beyond
the realm of a farm
and the dreams of a boy

One path,
One choice,
One life you no longer control.
Your soul in the hands of a devious character.
What got you here?
Was it the beatings or the drugs?
Perhaps it was the ******.
This was the wrong direction.
One future you didn't want.
Maybe you could go back, try to start over.

Each memory of what you did wrong,
Re-plays in front of you like a movie.
Sweat beads run down your face.
What have you done to your family?
Tears down your feet,
Heat,
Pure agony,
Their jouney disappeared.
One person,
Alone,
Disgraced by all.

Death beckons me to heed his call
He bids me to hasten my departure
He woos me with his hypnotizing words
That fly true, like the arrows of an archer

For a season, his cries went unheard
As I marveled at the beat of my heart
But now, it seems, my life unfulfilling
I keep looking for ways to depart

He's ever present, as I wander this maze
Pleading for my jouney to end
Telling me lies of false understanding
And taking the appearance of a friend

He whispers my name, in subliminal message
That only my mind can perceive
A pale horse, stands, at the foot of my bed
Looking for ways to deceive

He whispers, "No mercy", no mercy indeed
For I too, must one day atone
No one can hear my cries for compassion
For it's true, we all die alone

Though life be predictable, no longer appealing
For now, in my purpose content
But growing so weary, of his never ending cadence
I fear, I too, must one day relent

as i whisper in your ear, and tell you what i fear
i feel you holding me tighter, to wipe away my tear
the warmth on my neck, from your soothing breath
sends my mind to a place, your softness i can't regret
for you are with me now and always,and beyond forever
a cherished time, a whimsical jouney, a daydream awaken
I LOVE YOU

If I had but one original thought to say
guess I'd be, I love you in everyway
but I was chasing the shadows of love today
each one getting longer,in the dusk of day

nightfalls, I am thrown into this abyss
wanting the new, remembering what I miss
all that came before me, seems like a myth
discard them to my empty hearts pit

my memories invade my pathetic senses
as if your that historical artifact, to be found
If I can dig deep, sweep away the timeless dirt
wash it till its anew, display it once again
perhaps, this time, it can withstand another
jouney with me

THE JOURNEY TO THE INFINITE
(Bijoylakshmi Das, 16th Jan 2020)
I long to merge into the beautiful Vast
Where all is azure, all is blue,
The oceanic solitude reigns over my heart
To begin the wondrous life anew.

My days were spent in the nether dark
In nescient heights of fruitless dreams,
I want to scale the Omnipotent's height
To get merged into His immaculate Bliss.

My intense longings for the Unknown impalpable,
Desires no more doomed in earthly mire,
Pleasures no more a plaything of fairyland delight
My only seeking is for the Mystic Fire.

Love is no more a frantic fancy
Cravings no more for gossamer labyrinth,
Where inmost passions lost in Lust's frail fantasy
Bliss is imprisoned in the land of guilt.

My amour longs for the celestial ardour
Where brightest dews meet in the  rainbow-rapt kiss,
With Eternal Sweetheart in the joyous playground -
Heaven-fraught Delight showers heavenly Bliss.

My sojourn is settled in the supernal shore
Of the unreachable ocean of ageless yore,
My journey is from the mortal to the deathless far
Eyes cast upon the One Cosmic Goal.

Wrapped in wonders of Wisdom profound
Mind freed from fetters of the finite,.
Body obeys no more the rules of senses
I'm on Earth to fulfill the mission recondite.

The empyrean felicity wings my hours
The moonlit moments kiss my feet,
The sun-clad splendour keeps doors open
To enter into its exquisite Bliss.

All is Harmony, all is Divine,
All is Delight, all is Ecstasy,
Oh Man! Be honest to be human
You are welcome to the Sublime's privacy.

In the Immensitude my existence is lost
I'm no more the body, mind or spirit,
I revel in liberty at Freedom's door
I'm ever free beyond Freedom's sight. .

Love the world with sincere heart, the world will love you too,
You are one in multitude in the multitudinous Vast
You are in union with All  and All united to the Supreme in You.
(Bijoylakshmi Das, 16th Jan 2020, 01.45 hrs)

Perhaps I have gain a small piece of enlightenment in the past couple of weeks. Doesn’t really matter anyway because I feel I have. So what did I find at the end of my 2 month soul search …..Simple

“Emotions are not meant to be suppressed they are still there …eventually they will come to the surface as anger …by neglect. So experience life, don’t hide from your emotion. Learn to control the only thing U can truly control … react well to your own emotions. Deal with emotions before they transform into something ugly like anger.”

Control of anything or someone else is just an arrogant illusion. We are all here to interact and if lucky we might have the opportunity to be a positive influence on someone or something.  Control if you must …look to your past …even with good intension did you ever really help another?

Straight from a jouney of madness ...John

Feb. 1997

To be almost saved is to be lost
Take that jouney no matter the cost
Find out who you are and what you need
To live your life as full as can be
'Cause you can fly like a seagull and still not be free
If you heart is an anchor and not a sail on the sea

You can set a destination but the winds they can change
So don't hold your hopes so firmly that you can't rearrange
You can get to any one place by so many ways
That the real journey is who you are day to day
'Cause you can fly like a seagull and still not be free
If you heart is an anchor and not a sail on the sea

Now some people's journeys will match yours in step
While others will do things that you cannot accept
Still each on must follow their own guiding star
Though some get confused and don't know who they are
Help if you can but allow them the right
to go down with their ship or to sail out of sight
'Cause you can fly like a seagull and still not be free
If you heart is an anchor and not a sail on the sea

Ah, but wisdom and words aren't enough for this trip
You need some one to help in case you should slip,
Get caught in bad weather or just lose your grip
That's why even Columbus sailed with three ships
'Cause you can fly like a seagull and still not be free
If you heart is an anchor and not a sail on the sea

Shall I pen this verse for you
this time, may it spill upon
your open hands
with all its truths
rub them on your skin
and feel the memories

my constant thoughts of you
invade my dreams, hence
sleepless nights
are you safe, did you read this
still wondering

the bed is barren, on your side
the puppies are grown now
they lay at the end of the bed
head on their paws, droopy eyes
looking to me for their answers
I can ony look at them in silence

even the morning coffee ***
its sound so vibrant, happy,
labors, one less cup to fill

as I pen this final verse
in all its truths
be well my love, enjoy your jouney
remember I was your starting point