The pin dropped
The glass heart shattered
If you thought there was a happy ending
You haven't been paying attention

U

I've been listening to sad songs lately
I thought it was because I had to leave
You back where you were without me
Trying to say I'll see you again

But here I am days later
Seen snaps and unanswered ones
Despite seeing you wear my shirt
In all the stories you share

Getting my hopes up trying to get better
You told me you cared about me
And wanted to see me get better
I've felt my energy drain

With you to blame

I pen these lines

Pouring my soul

Figuring out what I am

Without you

Heartbroken and destroyed

I just wonder




Will you ever read my lines?

Guardian angels come in all shapes and sizes
They can be someone you met once
But you changed their life
And they look after you from up high

But some come from close to your heart
Family members taken away, you cry too soon
The pain won't ever leave, and they know that
But protecting you sometimes doesn't come from being next to you
Sometimes it comes after they leave
Lifting you up when you are down and filling your heart when you are lowest

Guardian angels come in all shapes
But yours is the best one looking after you and nothing can hurt you with them looking over you

I remember the first time you Said we will be best friends
I scoffed at the idea me? Having a best friend? No
But you showed that you were I told you my darkest secret
Thinking you would bail after Hearing the awful story….But
No you stayed by my side Sticking to the idea that you
Will be my best friend. You have been there at my good
The bad, and the downward Spiral. You were my lighthouse
In the mist of the storm giving me hope to see the land

Those days where we went mini golfing and me making
Fun of the way you played and beat you on the last hole
Sinking the ball in a hole in one and winning free ice cream
The days when I invaded your study hall, lunch table, locker
Just for a laugh and to see you to do our signature pose
When we went to prom and had a super great time dancing
Picture taking and making memories that stick like paper to glue

I’m hours away, miles apart but I know you will be there no
Matter what. You’re the single most blessed thing to ever
Happen to me. Every night I look at our goofball picture
From homecoming and look at how great high school
Was, but now I’m in college. You are my Un-typical spirited
silly cheerful white girl and  many things have changed but
One thing will never change in my life and I know it
I love my best friend.

How do you stay friends?
After the breakup when hearts are destroyed
And dated most of of the time knowing each other?
I want to be friends I do
But everytime we talk a tiny chip comes loose
I don't want to let you loose but how do you lose the awkwardness?

Every fight is a crack
Every argument expands
How much can a heart take
Before it breaks?

With every break up
I went to my friends
Talking, hanging out
Getting me out of my funk

I started to feel like I was
Taking to much out of
The friendships I had
Then last month happened

And I broke

Now Everytime I go to them
In the mists of my panic attacks
When I barely move out of bed
Or cry reading posts that hit way to hard

I feel like a burden they didn't sign up for
And put myself right back down
Hiding from my problems
So I don't become to much of a burden

This one is for the love ones miles away
Friends trying to become more
Memories fading from the mind
Dreams long forgotten from the past
Goals right out of reach, messes made
Adventures ruined, nights not remembered
This one is to not give up or forget on what
made you what you are

I wish she could she herself as I do
Dancing on the floor without a care
A smile genuine and full of joy
Bringing energy that can't be matched

A striking beauty with a heart of gold
Looking through the lens off a camera
When the lens should of been aiming
At the masterpiece behind the camera

I wish she could see how amazing she is
How better she makes the world
How beautiful she is both inside and out

I wish I could tell her how I feel
But I couldn't bring myself to take her
Out of her perfect zone on the dance floor

When you look back at now
When you look back into the past
Hopefully you smile at the memories
And laugh at the crazy times
But don't dwell there too long
If you do it may drag you down
Quicker than the rip currents
You will be lost with no future

From
Already lost

People only see the outside of you
They don’t see the demons swirling around
Underneath the thin surface separating the two
People scoff at the idea of me having them
“You couldn’t possibly have any, you are
To sweet!”

But alas that is a bitter thought as they walk
Away. Multiple demons haunt me and live
Inside me, some stay their thirst on terrible
Whiskey and burning ***. Others breathe
Thought the smoke that fills the lungs. Another
Feeds on the negative emotions and destructive
Thought I have about myself. But the last of them
Lives by spitting tobacco and leading the others

I have demons just like anyone else, I just hide
Them better than others. The demons though
Have a terrible hold and grip on me. I can’t escape
Them but I got to the point that I’m accepting them
Now. But who’s really in charge now, me or those
Demons?

Telling me you loved me?
Because I made you my world
Do you regret our friendship?
Because you were my day one best friend in college
Do you regret trying to get to know me?
Because I shared my traumas with you
Do you regret adding me?
Because I annoy you with messages
Do you regret reading this poem?
Because I wasted your time like many others

People are easy to remember throughout
The years, they always stick out for some
Reason in your mind and never let go
I remember my best friend yelling down
The hall to each other and getting yelled at
By a teacher, I remember the first girl I kissed
I was standing there so awkwardly
I remember one of the my closest friends
Style never out of whack, always fashionable
Or another one who’s ok with jeans and a flannel
I remember the first girl I loved giving her obnoxious
Nicknames throughout the years for no reason
I remember my friend who stuck by me who’s been
There since day one in that English class where she
Shouldn’t have even been. I remember seeing my
Crush at college wearing that outfit stealing the show
I remember people clear throughout the years
But do they remember me at all? What do they see?
Do they see the kid bumming it to class every day?
Or that kid wearing crisp ACUs posture straight eyes
Ready, knowing the importance of what he’s wearing
Or do they see that kid beating out a fast pace on the
Road pushing himself past the breaking point to be
The best. Do they see that kid at the party outfit picked
Out by someone else to not look like a mess. Do they see
Me sitting by a fire, cold drink in my hand, shadows
Playing across my face like the demons hiding behind
Those dark brown eyes
Do they remember me? DO it stand out in their minds?
Or did I fade into existence Right after I left theirs and
Moved on?

On the radio makes me think of you
Every couple I see makes me think of what we had
Every ding of my phone makes me run
Thinking it's you
Every memory from Snapchat making
Me miss our adventures
I keep getting reminders about us like a calendar
Is it the same for you? Or am I just a torn out chapter in your life

This fatigue is drowning me
Everyday I try to start the day
Physically mentally emotionally
Drained when I open my eyes

It's slowly pulling me down
Sinking into the water
I try to swim to reach the edge
Caffeine, writing, nicotine

Nothing seems to work
All I see is the dark depths
Surrounding me

Can I reach the top?

Or will I sink to the bottom?

I was sitting it the lounge waiting for class
Talking to my friends, half asleep
Barely focusing on anything
When my friend yelled hey and I looked around

He was walking towards us and I paused

He seemed to tower over everything
Exuding a confident but welcoming presence around him
Every step so sure in it's placement

He turned then I saw his eyes
As if the clay she walked on transported to his eyes
Until he stepped into the light
The clay disappeared leaving gold to rise to the surface

He smiled as he got closer
Showing a kindness and warmth to it
As if he was welcoming friends he haven't seen in years back home

He gave a couple hugs and greetings to my friends before turning towards me

Hey

I'm Sean

Follow me down this twisted road
Through the dark, through the turns
Follow me down this path
That leads through my mind

You might get scared you might want to hide
But don't worry you'll get out in time
Away from this mind that is mine

Follow me though my mind
Read these poems and these lines
And tell me do you still want to be mine?

Growing up it was always forgive
Those who hurt you, be the bigger man
Turn the other cheek and love them back
As my thoughts turn to what you did
Can I forgive you?
Should I forgive you for tearing apart my family?
Making me growing up at 12 years old thinking my dad might die
With you exiting my life to never return
Forgive you?
I can't forgive you and won't

I'm going out into the woods

For a couple weeks, for a couple nights

Out into the cold, out into the snow

I'll be out in the woods



Freezing, shivering and feeling frostbit

I'll be out in the woods, only warmth

Coming from a old jacket and you



You will be on my mind while out in the woods

While you are sipping wine and under the blankets



I'll be going out into the woods

Forever? No! Only a few nights

Soon it'll be over, soon I'll be coming home,

I'll be out of the woods



And back into your arms where I belong

After

Going out into the woods

The hardest part of a breakup is not the breakup.
It's the aftermath of it
The hurting you feel won't ever go away, the broken heart you think will never heal or the loneliness of losing your best friend
The hardest part is feeling small and insignificant to everyone around you
But despite this all, as you want to shrink from the world you believe to hate you
A small thing comes up to and sits in your lap as tears are coming out of your eyes for a week straight
It looks at you until you stop crying
You start to feel a peace coming to you
Because out of the hurt, loneliness and pain, hope remains
Hope remains and that means the healing can begin

You are even here yet
But the effects are already here
The broken crown slowly coming to
A King of Broken Hearts no more
The love of a child fixing and mending
A heart so use to hurt but no more
The love you bring is revealing what could of been all along
No Queen no soulmate no one else to heal
Only the heart of Charlotte Rose was needed

Every ex that took a piece of my heart
Slashed and cracked it leaving for broke
I thought that was it
But every soulmate gives a piece back
Fills the cracks with gold repairing all
The imperfections
You see my heart isn't the same it was a decade ago
And I wouldn't change it for the world

People talk about the strength of love
How nothing can beat it, in stories love
Is how the hero wins the day, saves the
Girl. People talk about how love heals
Or how madly there in love in someone
There is strength in love, I know about it
My love isn’t with a loved one though

My love is with a an adorable four year old
Who loves teenage mutant ninja turtles (Donatello
To be precise) who when I went to her birthday
Party she didn’t say hi at first
But a simple moment of watching cartoons
Made the love bloom

At first I was none the wiser, the party went
On everyone left save a few, we heard “hey
She’ll go to bed if you cuddle and watch” so
Her mom left but quickly came out again
“She wants you” and quick as that a love
Began with a lovable little blondie sitting
In my lap passed out

Now when push comes to shove and I feel
Like I’m breaking, I think about that moment
I’m not giving up I tell myself, I push myself
Off and dust the dirt off
They saying nothing is stronger than love
And it’s true, but when you have
The strength of a little girl driving
You, you become down right
Invincible

Hello hello
Friends, strangers, family
You can be one of these
Or all of them
But hello hello
To a greeting or nothing
I'll still say
Hello hello

Someone you want to get to know them more
When you tried once already?
When you saw their shy smile from afar
When you tried to talk to them just as you are now?
But once it died out what's to change now?
You wished for her happiness and now she's fallen low
How do you you tell her you just want hang out watch a movie and hold her in your arms and show her everything will be ok?
How do you tell someone you've liked them when they probably don't care?

Silver tongued devil comes from
After dressing like him
On my God complex villain arc
Letting his vibe take over

Silver tongue talking but the words
Came out sweeter than honey
And melted hearts as if chocolate
Left out in the sun

Charming, disarming with a touch
Of a rebellious side
Close to the verge of trouble

I can see where it came from
And on this arc

I'm going to be using my silver tongue

I'm alive another day and
I'm going to make it everyone's problem
I'm going to give energy back
That I received from people

I know some won't like it
Sean being combative back?
Sean barely responding?
Sean calling me on my *******?

If you are thinking these about me
Then it's warranted, because it's about you

I'm not going to be walked on anymore
I'm finding my identity,
Reforming myself into my best self
So if you think I'm being combative?
Or barely responding?

It's because I'm being a problem

I feel blah
It wasn't until going to get
My hair cut this morning
That I didn't eat for 24 hours

I feel blah
It wasn't until after that
I realized I didn't smile
Yet this day

I feel blah
I did my laundry today
But laid in bed most
Of the day

I feel blah
My class is going out to
Grab drinks and have fun
But I'm hiding in my room

I feel blah

When I just want to feel

Then go find less
And that's a ******* vibe

It's a vibe that I'm bringing
To my life for now on
I can be a lot and I'm a mess
I lean on people so much

But I give that energy back
I'm there for my friends
When they need me to be
But in the meantime

I can be too much a lot
With my anxiety, depression
And the trauma in my life
But I still wear my heart

On my sleeve and not afraid
To give my love out to those
Who deserve it in my life
Those who dont think that

I'm too much, but if I am
Then go find less

That's the ******* vibe

I'll keep writing till the end
Wether it's therapy or not
Wether it's helping
Or making me go mad

I'll write

I'll put my mind on display
Let you see into the darkness
And maybe just maybe
You will see the light

The light that has been hidden
For so long, that shrunk
Over the years and trauma
It's still there I hope

I'll keep writing until I find
The light again to warm me

Until that day I invite you
To take this journey through
The darkness in my mind

Or back of my mind depending on
How you perceive it
It's taking a back seat for now
There's a new personality coming out

Call it confidence, call it anger
Call it the realest Sean out there
There's a new one fronting, putting
The heartbreak and sad stories away

Letting everything out now, whether you like it or not but let's see
You wanted a peak into this mind
Now you get to see everything in it

There's going to be a lot more anger
Frustrations and yelling at the world
That need to be expressed in my mind
So buckle up and enjoy the ride

Call it whatever you want but I'm here to stay regardless

One day at a time
Each friendship, possible relationship
Each new addition or subtraction
We may talk everyday or barely at all

I'm just doing me
Not that I know what that is anymore
I'm just trying to find peace
Wether that's alone or with someone

I'm not going to stay in the past
Or **** myself thinking about the future
I'm just going to do me in the present
Good or bad we shall see

Wether someone is out there or no one

I'm just going to take it one day at a time