your cool hands beckoned my shaky knees,
take me among the pine trees, please.
driving home through adirondack sunshowers,
i became yours in the fields of mountain flowers.
you loved me through the darkest night,
and you still want me in the mornings light.

the blue of his eyes remind me of a time when i was a little girl.
that trip to the beach when the atlantic pulled me in
(i couldn't swim)
the way the waves pulled me into the vastness of the ocean,
so similar to the way that i fell for him in one swift motion;
a kiss and i was his
(in his eyes, i am learning to swim)
the lack of breath and anxiety,
until the idea of drowning doesn't seem so scary anymore.
a calmness washes over your being when you become afraid.
(your blue eyes are like a tidal wave.)
and i am yours, forever to claim.

this is what i'm left with,
blank walls of a cold basement.
moving on seems so easy sometimes,
but this is where i spend each night
and it's lonely.

sometimes i'm able to fall asleep,
only to wake up abruptly;
half expecting to turn over and see your face
doing that mouth half open, eyes half closed thing.
but it's him there, because you're not around anymore

i don't love him or them, but they
never go away
(they come when i ask them to.)
faithful ******* specks
of dust clinging onto a broken piano
or a tired old bookshelf
whose books don't get opened anymore.

i miss you the most at night,
and lately it seems
like the night
never ends.

There is something beautiful about two sad people who agree to hurt each other.
Something comforting.
It is a comfort only very damaged people understand- the tacit agreement to cause pain, and to receive it.
Pleasure is for people who have what they want.
But for those of us who are starving, ours is best peppered with suffering.
Being with someone who understands that carries its own worth-
I don't want you to make me feel good.
I couldn't stand it if you did.
I don't want you to touch me gently, or ask if I'm alright, or stop to look into my eyes.
I am starving, and so are you: I want your teeth.
I want you to make me hurt. And I want to hurt you.
I want you to hurt me because I'm not him, and I want to hurt you because you're not her.
We want to see each other suffer because we are starving and we need to feel that someone else is.
Don't hold back. I want you to lower me because I'm too good for her.
Don't love me, don't caress me. Dig your nails in. Drip candlewax on my stomach.
One step down from torture is all I can stand in the way of human connection, when it isn't her.
Punish me for looking at her like a baleful puppy tonight, even as you waited in my room with your soft skin and your sharp teeth.
There is nothing you can do that will be too violent, too brutal, too sadistic.
I don't want to be loved right now.
I am too raw.
I want to be touched. I want to be ruined. Leave marks. Smear lipstick.
Lower me because I am
Too
****
Good for her.
Let this heart know on no uncertain terms that its needs don't matter.
Help me **** it. Help me pin my demons to the bed and make them writhe, and I will do the same for you.
Let's exorcise our loves tonight and banish them to hell.
Let's tell our skin that it is irrelevant.
Let's say "*******" to the things that bind us. I will cut your heart out for him.
I will kiss your scars, not to heal them but to remind you that when you put them there you fought for something, something we both fight for now.
Hurt me. Fight her. Do it for her.
Do it for her because I'm not good enough to hurt.
Do it for her because I'm TOO good to hurt.
Crush me.
You could boil me alive and it wouldn't make up for her, so at least leave me bruised.  
I will give you what you need, and you will give me what I need: not love, but contact.
Please,
Let my heart know on no uncertain terms that its needs
Don't
Matter.

There is something beautiful about two sad people who agree to hurt each other.

shaman of new mexico, the warrior which resides in myself longs to
know what you know.
the desert may tame the wildest of hearts- or it can manifest
the wildest of starts.{it's really all the same}

witch doctor- shrunken heads,
the garden will tread
upon you in the evening
all starry lit skies +burdensome cries
the garden shall tread upon your soul

bearing the sweetest fruits, ******* explosions
bittersweet remedies, curing
no//every -thing

giving ability to possess what you otherwise
never would fathom or guess