you say yes
and before you know it
you have turned yourself into his
*** object
he calls you
you oblige because you don't mind
this is what you want
until you don't anymore

8 pm in your car no music, just screaming. screaming because this isn't who you are. this isn't what you do. punch the steering wheel because you've worked hard to keep this facade going. screaming turns into crying. crying because this front is eating you alive. you don't want to but you do. let the tears roll down your cheeks. the pride rushing out because thats what your full of. do this the whole drive to the parking lot to meet up with your friends. scream. cry. scream. cry. cry. cry. compose yourself as you park next to them and get out to join the circle that has formed. ignore the weird looks friends are giving you because you "just don't seem like yourself." don't look. don't smile even though he's smiling at you. don't acknowledge anything. don't lean closer when he's next to you. don't think about how he makes you feel like jess from new girl. don't listen to the nice promises he whispers in your ear in the back of the car. you were so good at not taking anything to heart so don't stop now. don't let it affect you. don't let him affect you. remember how you felt the last time you delved into something that just wasn't. don't let a boy have that power over you. be the brick wall. don't let him break you.

He only says he likes you when he is drunk.
2. He talks to you but not with you.
3. He only touches you when he wants to sleep with you.
4. He lies when his friends ask what he is doing.
5. He turns his reads off.
6. He angles his phone away from you.
7. He always wants to hang out in groups unless you give him promises.
8. He doesn't ask if you made it home safe anymore.

it's just fun now. for some reason this boy always knows what to say to get you hooked. this time you aren't actually hooked on him though. because this time he has made no promises like he did before. you are thankful because he never keeps them anyways. last night he said his usual line. "there is just something about you." you are confused but know not to take it to heart. lately you've learned to not take anything to heart. it's okay. you wish it wasn't like that. but it is. this time you told him that it would be casual. the sound of his breath on your neck reminds you of an old piece you wrote when you didn't know. but now you do. and so does he. he makes you feel good. he never breaks eye contact. he revs his engine when he drops you off because you told him that's what boys do when they think a girl is hot. he makes you want to roll your eyes and smile afterwards. he doesn't talk about the grey house with lemonade or the roller coaster hill or the fact that he once said he thought he was in love with you. but it's okay because he let you steal his sweatshirt and still kisses you goodnight afterwards when he walks you to your car.

satan is crawling out of my mouth

i don't know what i keep searching for
at the end of these bottles
bottoms up just to find something
to make me feel whole again
one two three four and i lost count
nothing is enough
i'm still empty

every time i drive by that gray house by the lake
i remember how we stopped for lemonade in the front lawn
and you paid for me even though
it was just fifty cents
when i stop by the water near the fishing spot by the dam
i remember us alone in my car
trying so hard to not touch each other
i remember sitting there and laughing because
it was killing us
when i drive down that hill surrounded by trees
i remember yelling at the top of our lungs
with the windows down
like we were on a roller coaster
i remember you saying that was a reason you liked me
because i knew to how to be alive
when im hanging out with my other friends
and we stop to play at the park
i remember how we would swing on the swings
and just listen to the squeaking noise and the sounds
of the night around us
when i go by millers grove
i remember driving to the back of the woods to park my car
and how the entire time you just listened to me sing
i remember you stared at me with a grin on your face
when i listen to the song we always played
i remember you saying how you thought
you almost loved me
no matter where i go i am reminded of you
every road
every building
every late night drive
makes me think of you or a memory of you
and i can't stop because i drive
down the same roads and
pass the same buildings
almost every day
and even though i wish i could
i just can't leave