it seems like the few times boys like me
they always say the same thing
"there is just something about you
that makes me keep coming back"
and i wish that i could see in me
what those boys see in me sometimes
because i honestly don't understand
what's so special

lately i've become good at hiding things
i hide my sadness behind toothy smiles and bad jokes
i hide my insecurities behind a bold mouth
but i hide you in a closet filled
with empty wine bottles inside my bones
i protect them no matter what
they will not break or shatter or strain or fracture
even though we already did

this time you want him to do it. the first time was so long ago and now he says he likes you. you do not learn yet that this is just a ploy to use you. you are both in the backseat of his car. he said he wanted to drive tonight. it never occurred to you until later that it was so he could control when to stop and park the car. "what song is this" he asks when you change the song and you smile because he's trying to care. "kiss me by ed sheeran" you reply and then he does. you laugh and kiss him back. this time when his fingers trail down to your waste band you let them. he fumbles with the button but finally gets it undone. this time you pull your zipper down for him because you want him to do it. the next day he still wants to hang out with you. he texts you and keeps kissing you. it goes on for weeks. but you don't know until later that he never planned on kissing you for more than that. you don't find out until later that those times spent hanging out together stop completely. you haven't hung out as friends in weeks. he won't talk to you or respond to your texts. you are over him but still crave his friendship at least. he doesn't want it. no one ever does.

"just let me do it" he says as he unzips your zipper. your body freezes. his fingers make circles underneath your belly button. and then they move down. "wait" you say and grab his arm. "i don't know if i want to do this right now." you have never done anything like this before. and you don't want to now. but apparently last time you had a few too many drinks you said you wanted to. "Sarah," he says leaving kisses on your neck. painting your body red. in your sixteen years of life no one has ever said your name like that. you like the way it sounds. "come on, don't be a tease" he says nudging you and smiling like its a joke. but you don't take it as a joke. he starts kissing you again, his fingers trailing down to the place he wants to go. your anger is boiling but you sigh. you take a deep breath. you don't want to but you kiss him back and let him do it. three days later you wish you hadn't.

i am a rag doll
i used to be with you through everything
you would hold my arm tight
my legs dragging on the ground
but even though the bottoms of my feet were scraped
i was still happy because at least
you wanted me to be with you
now i sit on the top shelf of your closet
behind old childhood blankets
collecting dust
waiting for you to need me again
i am torn and trampled and used and betrayed
you don't want me anymore
i try to reach out to you but i am suffocated
and paralyzed behind these soft walls

you are like summer
your compliments drown me like
im in a swimming pool
your hands are like the rays of sun
warming every inch of my body
your presence is like blaring music while
driving with the windows down
you are like the summer because
you come so sweet but you are
gone so quick

you say that you want
to keep things casual between us
but there is nothing casual about the way
your deep breaths sound against my neck
there is nothing casual in the smile you give me
when i catch you staring
nothing is casual in the tender hand you slide up my thigh
you say it is just for fun and it is but
there is nothing casual about the way my heart beats
or the way yours beats with it