you say yes
and before you know it
you have turned yourself into his
*** object
he calls you
you oblige because you don't mind
this is what you want
until you don't anymore

8 pm in your car no music, just screaming. screaming because this isn't who you are. this isn't what you do. punch the steering wheel because you've worked hard to keep this facade going. screaming turns into crying. crying because this front is eating you alive. you don't want to but you do. let the tears roll down your cheeks. the pride rushing out because thats what your full of. do this the whole drive to the parking lot to meet up with your friends. scream. cry. scream. cry. cry. cry. compose yourself as you park next to them and get out to join the circle that has formed. ignore the weird looks friends are giving you because you "just don't seem like yourself." don't look. don't smile even though he's smiling at you. don't acknowledge anything. don't lean closer when he's next to you. don't think about how he makes you feel like jess from new girl. don't listen to the nice promises he whispers in your ear in the back of the car. you were so good at not taking anything to heart so don't stop now. don't let it affect you. don't let him affect you. remember how you felt the last time you delved into something that just wasn't. don't let a boy have that power over you. be the brick wall. don't let him break you.

He only says he likes you when he is drunk.
2. He talks to you but not with you.
3. He only touches you when he wants to sleep with you.
4. He lies when his friends ask what he is doing.
5. He turns his reads off.
6. He angles his phone away from you.
7. He always wants to hang out in groups unless you give him promises.
8. He doesn't ask if you made it home safe anymore.

it's just fun now. for some reason this boy always knows what to say to get you hooked. this time you aren't actually hooked on him though. because this time he has made no promises like he did before. you are thankful because he never keeps them anyways. last night he said his usual line. "there is just something about you." you are confused but know not to take it to heart. lately you've learned to not take anything to heart. it's okay. you wish it wasn't like that. but it is. this time you told him that it would be casual. the sound of his breath on your neck reminds you of an old piece you wrote when you didn't know. but now you do. and so does he. he makes you feel good. he never breaks eye contact. he revs his engine when he drops you off because you told him that's what boys do when they think a girl is hot. he makes you want to roll your eyes and smile afterwards. he doesn't talk about the grey house with lemonade or the roller coaster hill or the fact that he once said he thought he was in love with you. but it's okay because he let you steal his sweatshirt and still kisses you goodnight afterwards when he walks you to your car.

satan is crawling out of my mouth

i don't know what i keep searching for
at the end of these bottles
bottoms up just to find something
to make me feel whole again
one two three four and i lost count
nothing is enough
i'm still empty

every time i drive by that gray house by the lake
i remember how we stopped for lemonade in the front lawn
and you paid for me even though
it was just fifty cents
when i stop by the water near the fishing spot by the dam
i remember us alone in my car
trying so hard to not touch each other
i remember sitting there and laughing because
it was killing us
when i drive down that hill surrounded by trees
i remember yelling at the top of our lungs
with the windows down
like we were on a roller coaster
i remember you saying that was a reason you liked me
because i knew to how to be alive
when im hanging out with my other friends
and we stop to play at the park
i remember how we would swing on the swings
and just listen to the squeaking noise and the sounds
of the night around us
when i go by millers grove
i remember driving to the back of the woods to park my car
and how the entire time you just listened to me sing
i remember you stared at me with a grin on your face
when i listen to the song we always played
i remember you saying how you thought
you almost loved me
no matter where i go i am reminded of you
every road
every building
every late night drive
makes me think of you or a memory of you
and i can't stop because i drive
down the same roads and
pass the same buildings
almost every day
and even though i wish i could
i just can't leave

it seems like the few times boys like me
they always say the same thing
"there is just something about you
that makes me keep coming back"
and i wish that i could see in me
what those boys see in me sometimes
because i honestly don't understand
what's so special

lately i've become good at hiding things
i hide my sadness behind toothy smiles and bad jokes
i hide my insecurities behind a bold mouth
but i hide you in a closet filled
with empty wine bottles inside my bones
i protect them no matter what
they will not break or shatter or strain or fracture
even though we already did

this time you want him to do it. the first time was so long ago and now he says he likes you. you do not learn yet that this is just a ploy to use you. you are both in the backseat of his car. he said he wanted to drive tonight. it never occurred to you until later that it was so he could control when to stop and park the car. "what song is this" he asks when you change the song and you smile because he's trying to care. "kiss me by ed sheeran" you reply and then he does. you laugh and kiss him back. this time when his fingers trail down to your waste band you let them. he fumbles with the button but finally gets it undone. this time you pull your zipper down for him because you want him to do it. the next day he still wants to hang out with you. he texts you and keeps kissing you. it goes on for weeks. but you don't know until later that he never planned on kissing you for more than that. you don't find out until later that those times spent hanging out together stop completely. you haven't hung out as friends in weeks. he won't talk to you or respond to your texts. you are over him but still crave his friendship at least. he doesn't want it. no one ever does.

"just let me do it" he says as he unzips your zipper. your body freezes. his fingers make circles underneath your belly button. and then they move down. "wait" you say and grab his arm. "i don't know if i want to do this right now." you have never done anything like this before. and you don't want to now. but apparently last time you had a few too many drinks you said you wanted to. "Sarah," he says leaving kisses on your neck. painting your body red. in your sixteen years of life no one has ever said your name like that. you like the way it sounds. "come on, don't be a tease" he says nudging you and smiling like its a joke. but you don't take it as a joke. he starts kissing you again, his fingers trailing down to the place he wants to go. your anger is boiling but you sigh. you take a deep breath. you don't want to but you kiss him back and let him do it. three days later you wish you hadn't.

i am a rag doll
i used to be with you through everything
you would hold my arm tight
my legs dragging on the ground
but even though the bottoms of my feet were scraped
i was still happy because at least
you wanted me to be with you
now i sit on the top shelf of your closet
behind old childhood blankets
collecting dust
waiting for you to need me again
i am torn and trampled and used and betrayed
you don't want me anymore
i try to reach out to you but i am suffocated
and paralyzed behind these soft walls

you are like summer
your compliments drown me like
im in a swimming pool
your hands are like the rays of sun
warming every inch of my body
your presence is like blaring music while
driving with the windows down
you are like the summer because
you come so sweet but you are
gone so quick

you say that you want
to keep things casual between us
but there is nothing casual about the way
your deep breaths sound against my neck
there is nothing casual in the smile you give me
when i catch you staring
nothing is casual in the tender hand you slide up my thigh
you say it is just for fun and it is but
there is nothing casual about the way my heart beats
or the way yours beats with it

it might've been great, but its not all you have

a boy once told me that loving me
was like loving a brick wall

life doesn't stop, it hits you hard
right when you least expect it
and the people you thought cared about you
just don't
and they will say they are sorry
but they aren't
and its so hard to be happy every second of every day and
its exhausting the amount of times i put others before myself
and how much i care about people
when nobody cares about me

i wanted to be a storm for you
to wake you up in the middle of the night
and make you notice
so i started raining and you left my tears alone
in an old bucket outside
my voice was the sonic wave of thunder
that shook your bedpost night after night
my goodbye hit you like a lightning bolt
the Lichtenberg figures mapped your body
lines leading to every place my hands have touched
the tree branch that scraped your window was speaking to you
whispering all of the times i said i love you
reminding you of all the times you never did
the lightning screamed them at the top of their lungs and
you never noticed but now that I'm gone
you pour the bucket over yourself everyday
now that I'm gone you trail your fingers along the lines
thinking of what you lost
now that I'm gone you stay silent
just to try to hear my voice one last time
now that I'm gone  
you listen for me in every storm

i'm sitting in your room thinking about how
i do believe that you loved me
just not enough to stay
you didn't love me enough to call
or explain
or fix me
or say goodbye
all of the memories are gone
gone with the scribbles of a ballpoint pen
and a suitcase
your room and i are alike
we are both absent of you

it's never enough
i am useless like these words i write
nobody cares
and i act like i don't either
but we all put up a really good front

you do not know that i think you are a church
the stained glass windows are your eyes
and when the sun shines
you are even more beautiful
there are people singing inside of you and
every time i touch your skin
i can hear their praises
that's why i never let go
when i kiss you i can feel you washing my sins away
all of my sins are the thoughts i have
about what i want to do to you
and i know that your hands heal the broken because
i am fixed

at church the preacher asks you
"what have you done this week out of kindness for someone?"  
" have you went out of your way to do something for someone else?"
"who have you shown love like god's to this week?"
but i just want to ask them
"what about me?"

sometimes, i think that we get caught up
in our own thoughts
our own insecurities
that we forget
we forget about those boys who genuinely tell us
we are beautiful without any expectations
we forget the way we felt in that dress
we forget about the friends that stay with us
and all the people who think we are special
i guess im just saying that
we are way more loved than we realize

you've moved on
and so have i but that doesn't
make it hurt any less
we were almost something but then  
you stopped looking me in the eyes when we talked
that was always one of my favorite things about you,
you're very good at eye contact
and making me feel like im the only person in the room with you
the car rides spent singing our favorite songs abruptly ended
you stopped lingering when the night was over
i was always mad because you wouldn't kiss me
even though you told me you wanted to
i remember saying "if you want to just do it"
but you never did
i was okay with it, glad that it wasn't the reason
we were alone
but i think you didn't kiss me because
you never planned on staying

in history today i learned
that in the late 1890's,
America realized the only way to get
Puerto Rico was to be there when
the war was over
i think it's the same as the girl you love
being in love with someone else
the only way to get her is
to be there when it's over
to be there during the war to help her
if you are in love with someone
who is not in love with you,
i think the best thing you can do is to
be there for them
and maybe one day they will realize
that you're the only one
who ever was

i am selfish
i want want want
but i hate that word
want is filled with so much greed
but i want
i yearn
i long for
i crave
i aspire
want and need are two different things
and i try to think about my
needs more than my wants
but i don't need love
i want love
i crave the feeling of
someone's hands on my hip
i want to be loved
i aspire for happiness
and i long for the day that i can truly
say that i love myself

you could tell me you love me
a million times but
i would never believe you
when you love someone,
you know all of them
but i haven't let my walls down
low enough because
i don't want you to see me
the way i see me
how could i let someone step into the room
that is me and look at all of
my photographs and read my books
and sleep in my bed
i can't let anyone see this
tornado inside my head

everybody leaves
my brother left for college,
tears streaming
down my face for weeks before
the time came
and overtime i came to the realization that
it's okay,
i'll see him again soon
but you
the only thing that changed about you
was that you didn't love me
anymore
you left and this whole time i knew it was coming
but i didn't want it to
you didn't say goodbye,
you just left me
i cried and cried and i knew that you knew
how much i was hurting
so i cried even more because i realized that
you didn't care
you never did
no goodbye, no "i'm sorry"
you just left