my first heartbreak wasn’t a beautiful boy with danger in his eyes and temptation in his smile

the first person to make me doubt my worth wasn’t the impossible girl who ignored me all day and explored my body all night

my first heartbreak was 6 year old me
screaming in the darkest corner under my bed, begging you not to leave me,
finally crawling out to embrace you one last time
in the hopes i would be enough to make you stay

i watched my innocence and any shred of self i’d developed walk out the door with you
my first heartbreak was a man who chose to be my father, choosing to leave

It’s a different pain, rather than an obvious tangible thing
It’s a hopeful longing, longing for something that once was and could never be again
It’s shared traumas
It’s always looking for them in a room
It’s listening out for their voice as they talk in a group of people
It’s short embraces, never staying long enough to really feel the other
It’s knowing each other’s deepest secrets, but too distant to acknowledge it
It’s looking away when you lock eyes because you can’t bear to remember how it felt to communicate with a glance
It’s watching them love someone else
It’s feeling your heart rip out of your chest every time he reaches for her hand
It’s watching that love and putting on a smile
It’s feeling happy for them, hoping they make each other happier than you both could
It’s rage,
confusion,
self-doubt
It’s a constant battle between jealousy and joy
It’s infuriating and intoxicating all in one

It’s loving your best friend

i have loved and i have hated
i have been hurt and i have hurt others

but the way i love you is special,
i love you with hope
with the hope of a beautiful future unmarred by past tragedies

i love you with the intensity of a thousand storms, with no fear and no regrets.

everyday, i choose you and every day i fall more in love with you.

you have made me see that a person can be broken and whole at the same time and still love with their whole heart regardless of the past.

and i think it’s quite beautiful, the way two broken people can fix each other just by loving and trusting and accepting.

you have broken down my walls and shown me what it’s like to love completely, no holding back.

and for that i will be forever thankful to you, no matter where we end up in the future.

she's reluctant to fall because of the scars left on her heart, but my god! when you break her walls down she will show you a love so intense that you will never find another soul like her in your existence.
and let me tell you. you won't want to.

“He had hazel eyes and street smarts” She said, smiling ruefully.

“She had viridescent eyes and a guarded heart” He murmured, his eyes shining

“I was leaving in 6 months and he had a troubled soul” She touched her lips as if remembering a kiss

“She smelled like fantasy and tasted like melon lip gloss” He couldn't take his eyes off his hands

“I think he tried to love me,” She said

“I loved her more than anything in the world,” He said

And it's that word: ‘tried’, that gets caught in her throat. She takes a breath and continues.

As if the memory of her was too much to bear, he got up and walked away.

11:44 PM // do you remember the first time we met? i do.

12:02 AM // i remember the first time we locked eyes like it was yesterday

12:09 AM // i remember the swirl of green and brown all in one mesmerising gaze taunting me like a bad dream

12:57 AM // you were never just a stranger to me, you were never a face that didn’t matter  

1:18 AM // from the moment i laid eyes on you i knew you’d break my heart

1:32 AM // i can't stop thinking about the last time you told me you loved me

1:55 AM // you called me up after weeks of nothing and told me you'd never love anyone like you loved me

2:07 AM // you were saying goodbye, weren't you?

2:50 AM //  i could have forgiven you if it was only a kiss, but you fell in love with her

3:49 AM // i've kissed lots of people since you, but none of them pulled my hair and tasted like fanta

4:27 AM // my god i loved you with everything i had

5:01 AM // it still wasn't enough, was it?

5:55 AM // it was always meant to be her.