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  Mar 2019 Sam
Marisa Lu Makil
It was here before I knew it
For some reason
The rain clouds parted
For the first time
In 8 years
And soon
The sun
Was out
The skies
Were blue
The music
Was loud
The air
Was warm
And I was smiling
For real
I was at dinner
With an acquaintance
And I wasn't nervous
I wasn't nauseous
I wasn't
Afraid
And as I drove home
I gazed at the stars
And realized
I was happy
Really happy
No fake smiles
No masks
Happy
I had forgotten what that feels like
I can see
Clearly now
That things...
*Everything is going to be okay
I am officially medicated for my depression, and I had my first counseling appointment on Monday. It still feels...wrong... different. I forgot what it's like to be happy. It still feels temporary, but I just...I'm happy and I know it won't last forever, but I feel warm in my soul. I want to read and write and go on adventures and hike and I don't know how long this feeling will last, but it feels...like safety.
Sam Mar 2019
The bravest are the ones who stand up for themselves.
They are my friends, known and unknown, who are made to feel small.
And they feel every blow as it hits them,
as it tears through their spirit,
through everything they thought they were -
And then they let their roots be planted and regrown in tainted ground,
re-learn corner by corner of this once home,
until the walls are no longer monsters, waiting to jump out and attack --
take it back for themselves.

And shielding others is one thing, but standing up for your self -
Standing up for yourself, there are paper thin walls.
Standing up for yourself, you have everything left to lose.

And yet they stand, on their own two feet,
perhaps trembling, perhaps crying, perhaps desperately wanting to hide,
but still they stand and say, "You have done me wrong."
Say, "This was not something I deserved."
And the strength grows back into their bones like armor,
this new, beautiful, unwavering, shield of courage,
that never should have been taken away.
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