Sometimes I feel ready,

To surrender,
As if God, or mother nature, (or whatever you may / may not believe in, I'm terrified to offend)
Would just take me off this Earth,
And I'd be okay,
Knowing I've lived more pain than the fullest of lives, at "ripe"...18.

Sometimes I feel ready,

To surrender,
Like I'll forever be a servant, that I'll spend my days making everyone else happy,
That I'll never speak my mind again, because when I did, it didn't make people happy, and, and,
And I'd be okay,
Knowing people wouldn't hate me, that I wouldn't have this pain.

Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.

Sorry, I lost my cool there for a second.

Sometimes I hope,
I hope someone comes by soon to save me, to see me as who I am, and to love me for me,
Because I just got crushed so badly by someone who told me they loved me for me,
That they always would,
Telling me they loved everything about me, the true me, who I am.

Sometimes I believe,
I believe the above is true, but the truth is, that nobody should die young,
Be it the kids getting high or the kids being beaten or
The kids whose minds withstood,
The types and masses of psychological cruelty usually only reserved for killers.

Sometimes I believe,
I am not a prisoner, that I am a free man, that I live in a free world, that I'm allowed to be me,
But then those beliefs quickly fall because I am not free
I am restricted, kept away,
From the only thing I ever wanted, the most amazing thing to happen in my life.

Sometimes I realize,
I'm not supposed to surrender, but I still want to surrender, the kind of surrender,
That makes those people smile in their last moments
That makes people happy to end their pain,
But I know certainly, suicide is weak, because the living hate on those who seek death, as if they know.

Sometimes the above stanza,
Is how I am when I'm weak, but I realize, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live,
It's such a crazy thing to not want to die or live
The feeling that you're wasting space for ever existing,
Like it would have been better for you and the world too if you'd just never been born to breathe the air.

Die or live
Die or live
Die or live
Die or live
Die or live

I repeated that for hours monotonously one night,
When I didn't want to die or live, because I really wanted to live, but I didn't want to live this,
But on the flip side, I really wanted to die, because I didn't want to live this,
But then I stopped, I stopped my crying,
My arms, hands, face so numb from hyperventilating.

I stopped, I mean stopped,
I stopped wanting to live, wanting to die, wanting to not die, wanting to not live, wanting to not not,
I got up to grab a glass of water to chase down the freak show I'd just watched and
As sipped my water, I stopped.
I stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark,
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

You are so sweet
We're all addicted to sweet
As people...
But maybe it's time
I go on a diet
That I learn to cut back
But my sweet tooth
It yearns for you

You've been a roller-coaster
So much fun
But so many ups and downs
But so many downs
You've gotten off
But I'm still on
Reliving the drop
Over and over

I'm not sweet
Like you
I don't know how sometimes
To be sweet
But maybe it's time I learn
I just hope I don't
Make everyone sick
Overdoing it

Dear pills
Please take away my pain
I swallow you in angst like
I try to swallow my pride
Too much at once
Too much to handle

Dear sleep
Please take away my restlessness
I ask for good dreams, but
I only dream of her and
When I wake up reality
Is a nightmare

Dear alcohol
Please take away my yearning
I downed a lot of bottles but
I didn't stop thinking of her
I just pretended to be okay but
Only my face got numb

Dear death
Please end my play, for
I'm living a life best suited
As a modern theatrical tragedy,
A spin on Shakespeare's Romeo
Where Juliet isn't real

My best friend just asked, "How can you create things like that?
It's really a fantastic talent you have."

The truth is, I don't have talent at all. Talent is subjective.
What is talent to one person, is trash to another.

You ever hear the saying, "One person's trash is another person's treasure..."?
It really applies to talent.

We can't go telling each other who is talented and who is not,
Who is good and who is not,

Because we're each only one person. What's trash to you isn't trash to me,
I wish people would see that.

I don't ever look at myself positively, only neutrally, (maybe most times negatively,)
I'm just me, and that's all I am.

I don't have talent,
Nor am I funny,
Nor am I silly,
Nor am I nice,
Nor am I mean,
Nor am I introverted,
Nor am I outgoing,

But not because I'm really not nice, or I'm not funny, or I'm not talented,
It's because you're nobody to judge,
Because you're not me.

I'm just me, and that's all I am.

There's a lump in my throat
Seven Nation Army is playing
And I'm talking to myself tonight
Because I can't forget
How she took her time right behind my back
And it goes back and forth through my mind
As I sit behind my cigarette
The tears dropping from my eyes scream
"Leave it alone"
The terribly thump in my chest
It won't leave me alone

Okay.
Three words and a period.
I'll disappear now.

Do you remember when I called you
The best medicine for my headaches?
The cure for my pain?

I almost forgot myself

The Purple Heart

Is not only a military decoration,
Though that decoration is deservingly given,
To those who perished in some way, serving their country,
For "Being wounded or killed in any action against an enemy of the United States
or as a result of an act of any such enemy or opposing armed forces."

You see now,
The Purple Heart,
It's also means what I have, The Purple Heart.
It's the type of heart disease that society and medicine don't talk about,
The kind you get after your heart's been beaten up.

I'm not the only person with The Purple Heart,
It's actually an epidemic, and it kills people every day --
But nobody wants to talk about it,
Because if they talk about it,
They just might catch it too.

The Purple Heart doesn't just affect the heart,
It gets in the blood, it eats at the mind,
Coursing through the veins of unsuspecting victims,
Victims of abuse, negligence, turmoil, but they don't get medals, they get pushed down,
Victims that are heroes.

So imagine for a second,

Imagine we're in the same room.
No, not the same room.
Identical rooms, but still the same room.
Rooms next to each other.
Right next to each other but we can't hear each other.

You designed these rooms.
You designed them for you, and the walls are black, there are no windows
Only one uncomfortable stool, light bulb hanging from the ceiling, a single cup of water
You designed these rooms so that you could get away,
You got away from the words you couldn't handle, both truths and lies, to be alone.
And you included the cup of water, because you've become a cactus starving for water and
You included the water because it will last you until you've grown.

I got my own little room too, the one next to you.
You built these rooms to grow,
But your walls move out, as you find who you are, and you forgot my cup of water and
And you're growing yourself, the right way this time and
But I'm still a human being and I still have feelings and I'm not a cactus yet and still starving for water
But my walls close in, and I have no water, and the light bulb is a crayon drawing and I trip on the stool
Because of the crayon drawing you thought would make me feel better but I can't even see it in the dark

So imagine for a second,
These rooms.

The tears in my eyes fall
Like raindrops on concrete
In the middle of a thunderstorm
On a muggy summer's day
To make myself feel better
I imagine I'm out there
Becoming drenched in the rain
To be able to feel again

The tears in my eyes fell
In the second week of August
I was up until 4
There was a bad thunderstorm
I almost went outside
To lay in the field across the street
In the pouring rain, amid the thunder
That I would be refreshed
That would be reborn
But also wishing
The lightning would strike
And end the pain
I put you through

The way you talk about her makes me want to sigh.
The way you talk about her makes me want to cry.
The way you talk about her makes me want to die.

The way I've seen you talk about me makes me sigh.
The way I've seen you talk about me makes me cry.
The way I've seen you talk about me may make me go goodbye.

I found myself a friend.
He lives in New Jersey and has never met me.
He is 62.
He and I share interests, and he is an administrator of the forum
Where we go to talk about technology and computing and all that jazz

He just said
When young looks and lust
Are the driving factors,
As you age, temperment and having mutual interests
Become more important.
In later years you want a friend
And partner more but good looks don't hurt the equation!

That's kind of where I'm at, I guess. In my later years...
Either you'll catch up or I'll be fine with non-partnered friends
The kind of friends
You realize walk in an out of your life
When you all grow out on your own

They say time heals all wounds
If so
Then
Why are my wounds getting worse

Why is it becoming harder
Everyday you get better
Everyday I get worse
Soon I'll be...

**** that noise.
Forget about her.
She's full of ****.
You don't need her anyway.
I can't believe this terrible **** happened to you.
It was all so unfair.
It's been like 10 months. Why aren't you over it?
**** her. Move on.
Wow. What a ******* *****.
Isn't it finally to the point where you just don't care, where you finally say "**** her", and move on?

You
Complete
Me...

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my heart is doing right now

Thump
Thump
Thump
Goes the headache I have

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is the rhythm of my life

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my head did into the wall way too many times

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is the definition of my life

Thump
Thump
Thump
Defined by The Free Dictionary
              "The muffled sound produced by or as if by a blow with a blunt object"

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my soul did when you dumped it by the wayside

Thump
Thump
Thump
I am the blunt object that hit you
Like kicks in the shins
Over and
Over and
Over until
You couldn't
Stand up

If one word
Could describe me
It would be
Thump

Do you remember Thursday
When I picked you up from work
You know, the week before homecoming
The last time you were in my car?

Do you remember my state of mind
How ******* crazy I was
After your mother ****** me up
After I lost my mind

Ticks are nasty
Tocks flick them off.

They say that time heals all wounds
But you'll always have scars

They say that we learn to get over things
But we never forget

This poem will go unfinished
Though it has a lot of potential

Maybe time will let me write
A good ending to this poem

I wish I could go back in time
And fix all the wrongs I'd done
I wish I could go back in time
And do a better job of convincing you
You're so beautiful, you're a wonderful girl...
I always thought that...
I know I tried because
I remember telling you that I'd think so even if you weren't mine
And I remember explaining to you
How I really felt about you
I remember telling you
That you were the reason
I thought I believed in God
Because you were so heavenly,
To me...

But those days, they passed
I took things too far
I left a bite on your neck
We did some things I wish I hadn't pushed on you
And
Then the world came crumbling down,
I got ripped a new one
I realized how insignificant my life really was
Compared to yours
Because that's all your mother would tell me when she was fuming that night
And the threats, the mention of deadlines, things I needed to accomplish,
To keep you,...
I ... I just ...
I don't know what got into me but I wasn't myself
I was a shell of myself
I changed...
Ripped open by the lioness which is your mother
My insides eaten out by your screaming step-father
Don't come back here, they said

Why did I start this poem talking about how I wish I could go back
And help you
And then unintentionally end it with the flashbacks
Of that night in June
And the days that followed

I'm feeling so small
The world is so big without you
But I feel so big, too, like I'm way too big, like I wish I was a bacteria
Because all I did was infect the life of the only person I love
You convinced me I'm a disease
And I think I'm pretty sure now that I'm not meant to be good enough
I'll never be good enough to you
And that's all that mattered to me
And
And
I feel like
The space I occupy
The air I consume
When I'm gasping for air, rocking back and forth at 2 in the morning...
I feel like
It would be better spent
Being used by someone else
Or at least, I should reserve some more for you

Body.

I have nothing to say anymore...
I just want to look you in the eyes one more time, smile, and cry.
You're not mine.
Maybe you're not supposed to be.
Maybe someday you'll come back to me.
You're special to me and dear to my heart.
You permanently scribed your place in it forever.
Little did I know you wouldn't be here forever.
I am fighting a horrible pain, I find it hard to get out of bed nowadays.
I hope you don't mind me loving you.
I hope you realize someday how much I need you. You brought such life to my world...
Like a mother cries as her daughter departs, I will cry for you.
I found true love in you.
You've not just become family to me, you became the reason I lived.
My door is always open, I will always take you in.
I will happily provide you shelter no matter what the situation. I will always be here for you.
I will always be here to love you, if you so wish to come back.
Please understand, I wish I could spend everyday with you.
I'm sorry I thought of every day I didn't spend with you "another wasted".
I should have thought of them as working toward another day closer until the next time I saw you.
I know that my words do not mean what they used to anymore, and while I miss you everyday,...
I hope she treats you well, like you deserve, like I couldn't.  But if she doesn't, I'm here.
If you don't come back anyway, I hope the next person treats you the way you should be.
You're a gem in this world.
I will try my best for you, to crack a smile, as I shed my tears for you.

Torment
Pain
Suffering
Dying
Crying
Sighing
Crying
Dying
Suffering
Pain
Torment

A train
Hit me.

I am
A train wreck.

I am unstable
I am on the edge
I just now
Imagined myself
In the process
Of slitting my throat
The last I'd see
Would be
Crimson Red

I check my inbox every 10 minutes
For your replies
And when I see the notification
I have a heart attack

But I loved you
I still do love you
But I'm not allowed
And frankly, I'm scared shitless by you.

I just apologized for something that really wasn't even my fault
I apologized because I know you felt bad
I apologized because I'm just trying really hard to be understanding

But don't you understand I was upset too...
I'm upset every day over you, because of what you did too
I swear I just told you

But all you could say back was

"I forgive you."

Here goes another panic attack, I'll surely sleep well tonight.
Don't apologize. You're right.
I ******* ****

Well I wonder
What does she think of me?
Well it's clear
She doesn't think of me

In all of the great ways I used to know

Well I ponder
What all she thinks of me?
But my fears
Are that she sips her tea

While burning all my pictures in a row

Why am I here
If I'm supposed to leave?
Why is she not
Standing next to me?

Well I guess I'll never know

And that I'll never get to show
How I would love her, All my ducks in row
Though I never was a crop to sow
But I guess I'll never get to show

My love to that girl
That I used to know

Things are moving up
There is no going back
There is no going down
Only going up

But I'm still up
At 4 in the morning
Just like I was last night
Only like the last fifty nights

Used
Thrown away
Here I am
Here to stay

They say water is important
You were important to my survival
You were my water.
You provided me with the water
The water I needed to live

But now in the age of twenty-thirteen
You only left me with "what"?

"wat".

I just feel like
You're going to think its really weird
My desires to hug you
And hold your hand
And cuddle

I just feel like
You're going to get upset with me
And push me away again
And run off with her
I'm afraid

I'm hurt too
I needed you and I need you
But not exactly in the ways you're accepting to
I feel like I'm going to **** you off...
You don't need me anymore...

You don't want me anymore...

What will happen to me?
I can not breathe,
I am not productive,
And I usually say that I don't want to live anymore.

What did it mean to you?
When I said you were the reason I lived?
When I told you I was committed?
When I told you I loved you more than anything on Earth?

Why was I not enough?
I made mistakes, but my hand was forced...
People placed thoughts in my head...
I grew them and blew everything up

Just like my love for you blew up
Just like now how I feel okay talking to you (because it comes naturally)
But when you talk about her I just want to die?

What will happen to me?
Will more pills will help let me pretend I don't have this problem?
Swallowing extra extra extra doses of pain killers for the wrong kind of pain?

I have lots to look forward to, but
Remember those times when I said you made the rest of the world disappear?
It works in the opposite too...

Earlier I wanted to die again
While 4 hours ago I felt fine to hang out with you.
Until I get to see how someone else has taken my place in what I used to be to you.

"I love you...
I love you too"

Sometimes I wonder why I adore you.
You probably wonder why I adore you too.

Some people might say something like,
It's because I like the way the light hits your face and your hair is perfect even on bad hair days.
It's because you're so beautiful.
Every inch of you is gorgeous.
Your body is magic.
I like when you put your hands in all the wrong places.
You're the perfect height for me to kiss your forehead.
That your lips are nice too, and you're a perfect kisser.
That your smile is flawless.


Or maybe it's really because,
I relate to you better than anyone else on earth...
You're beautiful on the inside. If I could only have you back in exchange for going blind...
Every inch of you is gorgeous, but the person inside of you is what I can't let go of...
Your mind is the real magic, you were never just a pretty face to me...though your face is very pretty.
I like more when we had intellectual talks about things, so much more than the ******...
That while I love the taste of your lips,
I don't need them to survive...
That I can see the pain behind your smiles, but I see the joy in the real ones too...

I adore you because I love all of it.
In one view, you are only a lover...
In another view, you're the best friend I've ever had...
I'd do anything to have you back in my life again...
Back in my arms again...
Because I'd take you as a sister if I had to...
I'd stay away from your lips, though, I'd wrap you up in my arms, for you deserve the warmth,
Because you deserve as many hugs as you can get...and
I'd kiss you on the forehead because you mean something to me, and I'd pretend it's nothing more...

I love you.
I need you.
I want you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
I'll do anything.
I'll climb mountains.
I'll be waiting until the day I die for you.
If only you would see...
That I'd still come visit you
When you're out on your own,
Or someday when you're with your husband,
That I'd hide all my pain,
If you'd only let me back in...
Because I love you.
I love you with the kind of love I'll never be able to explain to you.

I don't have to wonder why I adore you. I cherish you more than anything, for good reason.
But you surely don't feel the way you used to, anymore.

Listen to me for once
You listen but you don't understand

I don't want to go back to the past
There were flaws in the past

The bad was horrible
The good was sometimes flawed

Why can't you see
See the truth in my words

You read them but you don't comprehend them
It's like I'm writing in a language you can't read

And all you see are my ****** expressions
And the tone of my voice and you're all like

Yeah, I understand.
But I can't go back to that.

Like you answered
The opposite of what I'm asking

Because even the poems you reference
Signify changes from the past

Even the rebooting poem
Because it's about a clean slate

Not redoing everything we ** up.

Why would I even want
Why would I even care
Why would I even live
Why would I even need
Why would I even know

Someone who lied, cheat and bullied, me?

Wishes never come true
When all alone and blue

You taught me
That I am a lost cause.
Please do not let me trick you...my self worth now falsified,
I'm not worth wasting a thought, or a breath, or a single moment over...
Worthless.

I'm wrecked
What just happened
Why is the a-pillar of my car under my left shoulder
Why is there glass in my face
Why can't I move my legs
Why is the car upside down
Why is it on fire
Why is my forehead bleeding into my eyes
Pretty cool

Write a poem
If you know 'em
Then fix a rhyme
Don't spend a dime

I'm not cut out for this rhyming ****.
Not at 3 AM.

Sorry for that last one.
Harsh.
I don't know who I am anymore.

Writing
Used to come naturally for me, until my world turned upside down
Failed my college English course
Started writing poems, cut through my issues like butter
Flowed from my brain like a one way train to a promised land

Writing
I don't even know what to write about anymore, I've become so dead
It kept me alive, I'd get these thoughts and have to put them down
On a napkin, on my hand, wherever I could at the time
They were my release

Writing
I don't know what to write anymore
But I'll keep on trying
Because maybe I'll write something
To solve this problem too

I was wrong

How much I really love you.
How much I still love you.
How much I'll always want you.
Because I'm starting to believe that
A love like this is incomprehensible.
I know because I never understood it myself.

I don't love the past either
I hate the past

The past bothers me a lot
The good and the bad both

But are you really stupid enough
To say that moving forward

Can only consist
Of a future without me

Because I'm not that stupid
Because I know you

You know me
You even call me sweet

If you think I'm sweet at all
Then stop building walls

And let me be sweet to you
Last time I checked you needed that

Oh wait, only from other people
Because you care about me

But don't give a crap about me
Like you can't handle me

As if I'm some cancer

You should hate me
You shouldn't want me
You shouldn't listen to my excuses
Though I listen to yours

"How can I...when my whole life people have told me I'm not good enough"

If I was mean I'd call that a ******* excuse

But it isn't an excuse

It's a horrible circumstance that I know was tough for you

You need to understand that I went through such horrible things

And I know I treated you horribly

But I never did really want you to change

I was only unsatisfied with something I made up in my head

I wasn't satisfied with myself