I don’t know why I need people so much
when I love being on my own

I'm in my hideaway
A cave of glorious wonders
Where in my lonesome,
I stay
Having no sense of time,
Having no sense of days
Each day melts slowly into the next,
In the thick glittering summer haze

My hideaway has miriad iridescent shells,
Reflecting the sparse light that makes it into the cave
In the cave I feel safe,
Finally
So far away from the
Bustle of life
Finally, finally
I can close my eyes and
Say goodnight

But in the morning I awake Replenished,
In the morning I awake anew
I take in a fresh breath
Of the crisp and salty air,
For I am in a cave,
By the sea
In my mind's eye
Far away
To gain some clarity.

"I can see my door, my bed, my window, my chair, and my table.

"I can feel my spine against the wall, my feet against the floor, my jaw tightly shut, and my fingernails buried in my arms.

"I can hear the wind coming in from the open window, my heartbeat rapidly thumping, and that familiar voice in my head, shouting once again.

"I can smell the dampness of the ground outside as the breeze carries it to my room, and the sickly sweet odor from the soap used on my hands.

"I can ******* blood spilling from the bite in my lip; my last harsh reminder that
        I
        am      
        still
        alive.

there is a beautiful boy -
the tooth peeking out from between his lips when he smiles, face split into two by a large grin,
you fighting the urge to press your fingers to his throat when he laughs, trace lines down his throat to feel the way he speaks,
watch the way his muscles move, all sinew and flesh and you want nothing more than for him to wrap them around you,
the way warmth washes over you in waves, waves pooling in your gut into your fingertips,
the way he clumsily moves his hands to talk to you, and you teach him how to curl his fingers and flick his wrists, if only for an excuse to hold them,
putting your hand above his heart with you dancing along to the beat,
the tapping on his wrists morse code for i love you,
tap tap tap - i love you i love you i love you,
the tapping on your cheek morse code for i love you too.

To wake up
feeling isolated.
To drive to a job
I was supposed to love
with dread weighing deep
in my stomach.
To be surrounded
by people, by voices
all day, and count down the minutes
until I get home
to an empty house
to feel less alone.

I can't seem to understand
These happenings
Scraped and leathered hands
Wipe away the stinging tears
Of this ardous transformation
Saying goodbye to everything
That no longer
Feeds me
Pulling from my old, tight skin
Growing into
The skin I was meant to be in.