I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

150
I sleep more than I eat
my stomach is filled with pink pills and the air smells just like ****
140
molly makes me sick
so I only do it in honor of big events
like not getting invited to prom
130
I don't sleep anymore
I always have a ****** nose
I tell my mom it's allergies
it's really coke
120
my face has sunken like a ship
the black around my eyes is haunting
my dad says I look thin
he says beautiful
110
I tuck myself away with the rest of my skeletons
that's all I am
100
no sense in getting up anymore
I can't.

she wants late afternoons in bed

I want to come home after a long day at work and drink until I can’t tell the difference between my bed and the floor
I want to sleep with half the girls I meet

she says she wants to wake up to my smile every morning

I do not want to have to worry about waking up to a girl whose name I can’t even remember

she’s still waiting on “I love you”

but I’ve already said goodbye

this is for thursday morning
tangled up in bed
we left our clothes on last night
and i was almost high enough
to tell you i love you

this is for burnt wrists
and i know it stings in the shower
sometimes i am too afraid to even hold you
how pathetic

but you still kiss me
like maybe one day
we'll be okay

you leave me sort of breathless like

my arms fall just a moment too short of reaching you like
telling my favorite joke backwards and ruining the punch line

because when I look at you my whole head goes blank

like I can’t remember that witty line I was going to use
you probably would’ve just laughed anyway

but the way you smile makes my stomach do flips and
my heart beat against my rib cage like drums

I’m sure you can hear it from across the room

but can’t imagine
how you make my palms sweat
and my face run red like

you’re the only girl I know that has ever made me blush like that or
at all

you leave me sort of breathless

like you stole it from my lips with that kiss
that I never got

I’m still hoping

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i'm not in love
your eyes don't sparkle for me and i haven't seen you smile in months
my heart doesn't race after you like at use to
but my stomach turns when i see your face
i find myself swallowing back sobs and words i wish i could say

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i don't think i'm in love
i've spent more nights alone in my head
dreaming of kissing you
but my eyes are still open
i haven't slept in weeks
i toss with the image of your body against mine
and i stopped holding back the tears

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
maybe i'm still in love

I am dope sick for the third time this week
which means at least three times this week i've gotten so high my body couldnt handle the come down
which means i'm shooting for a fourth

you have a new boyfriend
except you wont admit to me how you feel about him because you think i still love you

i still love you
which means i'm sick from more than just the dope
which means i still havent gotten over you

but four times says i'm **** well trying

your lips are the color of

like if you shot me in the chest and hung around long enough to watch me bleed out

i think it would look like your smile

bright red
and a little bit dead inside

but that's okay

your lips are still the only ones i want to kiss

all of my friends hate me
well so I guess I wouldn’t really call them friends, huh?

and it’s fine
I think my wife hates me, too

that one caught me by surprise..

I guess I stopped checking for razor blades and forgot how tragic needles could get

I wish I could **** myself without feeling so guilty I puke

I wish my ex would die and my ex best friend stopped looking so ******* happy

I wish I didn’t hurt you and I wish my mom didn’t die and I wish I hadn’t hurt her either

wow I love you and this is so ****** up

I wish I didn’t believe you wanted me gone too..

throw a ******* pity party I guess
I only get to once a year

I CAN'T TELL IF I'M MANIC OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE I WANT TO **** MYSELF TONIGHT

OR CURL UP ON THE FLOOR AND NEVER GET BACK UP AGAIN

OR DRIVE 108 MPH EXACTLY WHILE BLARING ALL THE SONGS YOU HATED HEARING FROM MY STEREO UPSTAIRS AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL MY THROAT IS SO RAW AND MY VOICE SO HOARSE YOU WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE IT WHEN I'M BEGGING YOU TO COME BACK

****
BECAUSE NOTHING HURTS LIKE THIS DOES

THE SPLIT OPEN RIB CAGE IS ALMOST A COMFORT BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN I MIGHT BE ABLE TO STUFF THIS GAPING WHOLE IN MY CHEST

SIX SHOTS OF NARCAN AND SHAKING WITHDRAWS TASTES ALMOST AS SWEET AS THE SHOT THAT KILLED ME
or the shot that left me lying unconscious for three days while the cancer killed you..

OR WAS IT THE PILLS THAT FINALLY TOOK YOU FROM ME?
I GUESS I REALLY COULDN'T SAY SINCE I WAS NEVER THERE

i use to see you in my dreams, Ma
i use to remember the way your hair smelled

ISN'T IT ******* PATHETIC I WON'T EVEN GO TO THE SAME STORES NOW
TOO AFRAID OF RUNNING INTO YOUR GHOST
even though i swear i'm struggling trying to find a place where i can feel you

i use to remember the way your voice sounded
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR DELETING ALL THE VOICEMAILS YOU EVER LEFT ME
AND THE TEXTS THAT SAID YOU ONLY WANTED ME TO MAKE IT HOME

YOU NEVER ASKED ME FOR ANYTHING BUT TO KEEP YOUR BABY SAFE
AND AREN'T I SO SICK FOR BEING TOO SELFISH TO EVEN DO THAT

instead i sat next to your hospital bed
TOO HIGH TO STAND BY YOU ANYMORE

i can't tell which half of bipolar this is
because i want to **** myself tonight
and you're not even here

to stop me

I’m a liar.
I want you back

I want your tired eyes and your smudged makeup

I want your shaky hands and even shakier voice
to keep telling me you love me

I want you back
**** I want you back

she says it’s not healthy

and I can’t help but wonder
if she means loving girls I know will never love me back or
all the things I use to substitute so they don’t have to

she says she won’t kiss me with dip in my mouth or after I smoke a cigarette
I never really assumed she would

I know my habits are unattractive
constant nose bleeds and being so ******* angry all the time

she says it’s not healthy
I wonder why she even cares

she only says she loves me when she wants something
like *** or for me to quit drinking so much

she always complains that I taste like my depression
that I hold her with shaky hands and my smile seems to tremble with them

she says it’s not healthy
to keep living like this

I argue that at least I’m living

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

we went everywhere together
she was the only one to comfort me
2. i never left for school without gauze wrap in my back pack
i had already ruined the sleeves of too many shirts
3. she drowned out his yelling
and i did not have to be afraid
4. i still don't understand affection
she is the only one i know how to hold
5. there is a difference between coping to survive
and suicide
6. i get nervous around sharp metal
it reminds me of the scars
7. i am still attracted to toxic relationships
8. but a razor never hurt as bad as you

and there's something comforting about a straw for a best friend
and at least now i'm using razor blades to cut something other than my skin

it has been months since i have seen your smile
or heard the way you say my name

i walk through your office
every morning before i leave for work and i almost understand why dad is trying to run away from this house
it hasn't felt like home with you gone

i slept in your bed once and i was engulfed in memories of you
the way your hair smelled lying next to me here
but that was years ago

i'll be twenty soon
that will be the first birthday i ever spend without you and it is earth shattering having to stare across the table at your empty seat

it's nights like this

i spend hours reliving
your hands on my skin

i want so badly
to hear you sighing my name
again

tell me you want me

i am spiraling out

and i can feel it because i'm always rubbing my eyes
and i think my hair is falling out
because i keep waking up to my dreams left on my pillows

i am spiraling out

and i don't remember the last time i felt ok
or the last time i took my meds

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THOSE AREN'T RELATED

but at least drugs stop the screaming
and the shaking
and the constant paranoia

WHY IS SHE ALWAYS TRYING TO LEAVE ME

i don't know what i did wrong

I WANT TO GET HIGH

i hate that i let other people touch me

i do not feel mine after
and i hardly feel theirs

i hate how good she looks so
sometimes she catches me staring at the wall

i **** her because she tells me she loves me

and she tastes sweeter than the last girl

and she stops when i ask
and so she feels safe to me

and i almost feel mine again

and i want so badly to be hers

you always kiss me one of two ways
like the world is ending
like you are hungry for a feeling just out of your reach
or like maybe you could love me
2 you are the only thing i have ever wanted more than getting high
3 i could find you in tears and you would still be more worried about me
4 you do not demand anything from me
you know i take time
and you're willing to wait
5 you always say you’re proud of me
even if it is only for staying alive
6 i am so proud of you for everything
and i am so glad you are alive
7 I want you to know
you don’t owe anyone ****
no matter what they say
8 after everything you still make me nervous
my palms are sweaty and i swear my heart could race right out of my chest
and i have never been happier

mouth full of broken teeth
no wonder I don’t smile like I use to

I can’t feel you on me
and I’m dying for a reminder that you’re still here

I miss you
I stopped having nightmares a long time ago and now I’m just trying to remember what it was like to dream
my chest is heavy and I’m so sorry I couldn’t love you right
Please don’t leave

-i want the exact date and time of the moment you realized

-do you remember the first time we had ***? and was that before or after you told me you didn't love me?

-she doesn't love me
she doesn't love me
she doesn't love me

-and that's how i deal with getting high behind your back

there's a hickey on my chest
and I know you are the one who left it there
because it is signed in the letters of your name

and if you come over...
I'll show you how it matches the black scratch ink between my shoulder blades

i am bent over backwards for you

your venom tastes like candy
everything about you is sweet
until it's not

and kissing you feels like

i don't want to die anymore

today I am more afraid to live

watching a boy I barely know rot inside his own flesh

begging me to stop it

whatever it is that is killing him


my life has come to its turning point
I just wish I could go back


I'm sorry

she says i talk in my sleep
whisper to something dead inside
the parts of me that will never wake up
but i've only ever dreamed of feeling alive

It's my bad habits
That drive you insane

The way I sleep more than I eat
And that isn't much

The way I always taste like coke
And I've got smoke in my lungs

I know you only want me
When the lights are off

remember how she tasted the first time she kissed you

no one is vacant of fear

i swear i saw her lips tremble
even with my eyes closed

My mother is ashamed of how I turned out and I am not the only one who knows it

She looks at me with the sad eyes I have desperately stared into for the past six years
please I am so sorry I broke you
please find a way to forgive me
please I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry

Six years I have watched her cry for me
to be better

Six years she has told me enough was enough
I’m done
please i am begging you
please be good to yourself this time
please I am so sick of finding you in hospital beds

I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry

I think hard about numbers
and how nothing ever adds up to make sense

some nights I sleep in the back seat of my car
I call that my sense of freedom

most nights I fill my head with powder
and my thoughts blur past me faster than the lights on an almost empty street

I think about how most nights I feel pretty empty too

she holds my hands
and i think it's so she'll stop shaking

i can taste all the pills in her stomach

they taste a little bit like she's saying goodbye

she keeps nodding off
so i keep telling her to open her eyes

i know she has a habit of talking in her sleep
and i'm just not ready to hear this

i have always tasted too much like heartache
******* flooded sense of smell
my heart beats fast for someone so dead inside
chipped teeth form cracked smile
i have never been close to perfect

seems impossible at this point
cause every time we kiss
i can taste the ******* on your lips

and i'm starting to feel numb again

my PO asks about new track marks and i am too embarrassed to admit
i stay up half the night shooting blanks into my wrist

"i'm just trying to get high"

coming home meant carrying convictions back to the street with me
meant the weight of "******" etched into my shoulders

2. i waited until two days after my two months to celebrate
and two days is all it took for my mom to die while i was too busy with my eyes closed and my back turned

3. i fell in love eighteen times while i was locked up
and it was only after the first six that i realized i only kissed her because she has the same eyes as our daughter

4. nothing about ****** tastes sweet
and nothing about shaking all night tastes sweet either
and so i spent four hours asking myself why i let a girl with my dead baby's eyes kiss smack into my veins

5. there is nothing small about this
it has swallowed me entirely and it is the size of the rest of my life come crashing down

my heart still aches

you're like a drug
no, sweeter
and you never left a bitter taste in the back of my mouth
see, you always pick me up when i've been feeling down
and maybe i'm just hooked on you
you carry me through days i can't even bother standing up to
and i'm only sad when you're not here
ok yeah, i might be hooked on you
but i think that's okay because the worst withdrawals only last a night
and i am that much happier once you're back in my system
i crave the way you taste
and how bad you **** me up
but not as much as i crave waking up beside you
mornings after you are never groggy

you're like a drug
no, better
because you've only ever been good to me
and I don't need ******* to feel invincible anymore
the way you smile at me is enough
and I swear the rush i get when you kiss me
is always going to feel better than crashing
see, the way you touch me drives me crazy
and I have never felt so good

sorry I said you were like a drug
when you are so much better

Your favorite color is red // you like metallica and iron maiden, just like your daddy // you believe in ghosts and soul mates // and you use to believe in us // maybe you still do, because now "us" has become just another one of your ghosts // you always fall for people with bad intentions // you say you still love me but i wish you really did // I keep saying I'm okay but it isn't true // your favorite color is red // but I use to be your favorite too

i have never been
soft spoken

always so loud and harsh
and never cared who heard me

now my words are heavy
and god
i hope you're listening

i can't keep it to myself
anymore

i want you

****
but i need you so much more

I haven't gotten high in weeks and I'm starting to feel dope sick again

Or maybe just the normal sick I always felt before you

I mistook your lips for oxys and wonder why they keep biting back at me

The whole world tastes like morphine and I taste like I am suffocating and she tells me all the time

I helped **** my best friend and I am reminded every time he messages me

I'm so ******* sick
I'm shaking

I imagine getting high with you tastes like kerosene down my throat
like numb lips curled back in a halfway kind of smile
like trying to figure out which of these corroded veins will bleed best

I imagine getting high with you like 19 hours of switching between who's on top
like teeth on any flesh you leave exposed
like how many shots does it take for you to tell me you want me

I imagine getting high with you everytime I close my eyes or I see blue webs played out in the back of my hands
I need it like something terrible

I imagine getting high with you in snapshot moments and **** they taste so sweet but not nearly as much as
kissing you sober

I work three jobs
I'm not home much but when i am i'm usually asleep
unless i'm pushing needles into veins
(which is actually more often than not)

you work part time and you're home more than you're not
unless you're out with boys who claim to love you when they're getting off

i'm angry about a lot of things and you ******* a grown man that still needs help paying rent is absolutely one of them

Spring
everything is alive but i feel dead inside

Summer
the air is thick and heavy like my heart

Fall
everything is changing but i still love you

Winter
it's cold outside and i cannot find warmth now that you're gone

tonight I'm celebrating 21 years of jumping head first through the clouds without so much as a goodbye kiss so we can just forget the parachute all together

You taste exactly the same as you did four years ago and I know that because I broke every rule I have ever made for myself so I could see you naked again

Does that sound ******? What I mean is, tonight I'm celebrating my 21st birthday and it wouldn't feel real enough if I couldn't still smell your perfume in patches in the back of my hair or along the collar of my shirt or anywhere your forget me not fingers have touched

Your taste in music and these black scratch tattoos are the only difference between the sweet 15 year old that stole my heart and the air from my lungs and all the blood from my veins and the nearly 20 year old pin up doll that only wants me when she feels lonely

But baby I've been lonely since I left you the last time so here I am
For you
Always

my mom won't look at me anymore
says stretched ears is a mutilation she just can't stand to watch
like six years of slit wrists was
she doesn't talk to me most days
and she still doesn't respond when i tell her i love her
but i guess if i had to choose
i would rather be invisible

my dad laughs a lot
but he doesn't look happy
and his breath always smells like bourbon
our house always smells like smoke
and i'm just waiting for it to burn down

my brother thinks he's funny
he laughs just like my dad does
as if these are things to joke about

and everyone says i'm too sensitive
that i can't stand the way a pair of unwanted hands
feels on my skin

and i stopped having ***
when no one stopped when i asked
and i stopped trying to **** myself
when my dad told me i'm the reason he's going to put a bullet in his head
and i stopped putting holes in the wall
when my bedroom started to look too much like me
I tried to patch up the wounds
but you can still see the scars
i stopped drinking
when i couldn't tell myself apart from my dad
and i stopped smoking
after i ran away
and could still smell my house burning down

i am lost in my own feelings
i want to tell you i love you
but it feels like you're already too busy
being in love with everyone else
how ****** would it sound
if i said maybe
this isn't what you need
i want to make you feel stable
but i think there's something about you that enjoys
going off the deep end
but see, i never learned how to swim

i love you so much
i think i'm drowning

your touch
sets every nerve in my body on fire

you make my skin burn
and everything feels electric

"hey sorry I missed your call! what's up"

"I know you always tell me not to worry but I'm worrying so let me know you're okay please"

"It's been a couple hours and your mom just texted me?"

"this is a joke tell me it's a joke"

"please ******* answer me"

"I saw your car on the news I know it's your car tell me you're okay"

"they won't let me in the room they said you're hurt really badly"

"your mom is with me
we both can't stop crying
they've been in there with you for three hours"

"my brother says that's not good that it means you're not coming out"

missed call
voicemail
"I called to hear your voice again. We buried you today and I've never seen someone quake the way your mother did. I'm sorry I missed your call.. I know you always told me not to worry and I wish you were okay. I love you."

she is a thousand shades of beautiful

she is everything all at once

she is terrifying and i think she knows it

she is my favorite song after a coke binge I COULD NEVER GET TIRED OF THE SOUND OF HER VOICE

she is staying up for the sunrise but never waking up that early because

she is everything i was too afraid to say

she is infinite shades of beautiful
and she looks fine as hell in every one
and she don't even know it

what does 47 days without ****** in your veins taste like?

like trying to explain to every **** person that you meet that you're not sick anymore
it just takes time to put the weight back on

like my girlfriend moved out and left half of her things behind
and that was ten ******* months ago
and sometimes when we **** in her backseat
i recognize my t-shirt on her floor
and so i'm still wondering if that means "i miss you"

like i think i'm way too over-medicated but everybody keeps saying "fixed" like i'm okay and i know i'm not

because my girlfriend left ten ******* months ago and i still have her t-shirts in my closet


and i bet you think that means i miss you, I don't.

so much has changed since I met you

I  live in a different house now, left the old one behind
but I still keep my mom's key tied around my neck, an apology for all the things I couldn't take with me

I haven't driven down my old street since my dad left
he still calls me sometimes but I wonder if I'll ever really see him again
or my brother

I bought a new car, a Honda, go figure
and it almost feels like the last trip I took with my mom when I drive it
West Virginia, and how I thought we'd still be driving for days

and of course there's Her
I wore a pink cactus shirt when I married her
stayed in our home town for our honeymoon

so much has changed since I met you
and I miss handfuls of last year
and being a kid, coming home to my mom in our old house
but I'm happy here

I'm happy now