until my best friend overdosed on the landing at the top of my stairs

and she cried and cried and screamed and she had nightmares for weeks and we slept on the couch until the dark by the bathroom wasn't so scary

"I never want to see you like that"

but I guess I had other plans
and she cried and screamed and she threw things at me and I was evil, so evil I think I hollowed out my chest to make room for the bad, the poison, the death of myself (and ultimately our relationship)

and I tried to die on purpose a couple of times, but never the times I was with her.
but there was nothing sweet left of me and she was so tired of drinking from my bitter lips
and breaking ribs

so playing at death's doorbell isn't cute anymore, it makes her sick to her stomach and I have the videos to prove it

but now all the bad stuff is gone from my body and my chest is still empty because I packed up my mangled heart and patch quilt lungs in your trunk of things and i never see you anymore
and I don't know how to call you and say that I need it all back

I had been ready to die for a long time

but now that you’re gone
and I’ll die having forgotten what you look like
and how you felt

I’m not so ready anymore

I spent the day collecting your things

put them away in a cardboard box
and tucked it in the back of my closet

along with the rest of my skeletons

I spent the night scraping you from my bones

washing your scent off of the sheets
scrubbing away the taste of your skin

I don’t want to remember

I don’t want to spend another second on you
I can’t

remember razor blades
and how she tasted when you kissed

something smells like rust

and i can't tell it it is open wounds
or if i just left myself out in the rain again

what is it like to love someone
more than you hate yourself

i am trying to remember

thanks sobriety
for leaving me tossing in bed at night
i still wake up crying sometimes
but i can never remember why

I work three jobs
I'm not home much but when i am i'm usually asleep
unless i'm pushing needles into veins
(which is actually more often than not)

you work part time and you're home more than you're not
unless you're out with boys who claim to love you when they're getting off

i'm angry about a lot of things and you ******* a grown man that still needs help paying rent is absolutely one of them

my fingers pluck at every part of you
you love to hate

like strings on a guitar

and oh god
you make the most beautiful sound

feel like

biting my nails too close
and stubbing the same toe
over and over and over again

except a lot ******* worse

taste like

bile and stomach acid

and my throat ******* burns

and i can't tell if it's ever going to end
or if i just have to get high again

at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying

i am lost in my own feelings
i want to tell you i love you
but it feels like you're already too busy
being in love with everyone else
how ****** would it sound
if i said maybe
this isn't what you need
i want to make you feel stable
but i think there's something about you that enjoys
going off the deep end
but see, i never learned how to swim

i love you so much
i think i'm drowning

the world would be a better place if

growing up I didn’t have to fight myself
on whether loving her was worth losing everything else

if it didn’t take years for me to come to terms with it
and finally admit what I was
like being gay is something I should be ashamed of

if I hadn’t got the easy end of it all

if day by day kids weren’t losing their homes
cause daddy didn’t like who
they were bringing home
and

if not every LGBT was a suicide risk
but there isn’t any bliss
in trying to hide your scars

the ones on your arms or
the ones in your heart

cause
not everybody understands
that just because a man loves a man
doesn’t mean that love isn’t anything but pure

the world would be a better place I’m sure

if just because I love a girl
didn’t mean it was the end of the world

"hey sorry I missed your call! what's up"

"I know you always tell me not to worry but I'm worrying so let me know you're okay please"

"It's been a couple hours and your mom just texted me?"

"this is a joke tell me it's a joke"

"please ******* answer me"

"I saw your car on the news I know it's your car tell me you're okay"

"they won't let me in the room they said you're hurt really badly"

"your mom is with me
we both can't stop crying
they've been in there with you for three hours"

"my brother says that's not good that it means you're not coming out"

missed call
voicemail
"I called to hear your voice again. We buried you today and I've never seen someone quake the way your mother did. I'm sorry I missed your call.. I know you always told me not to worry and I wish you were okay. I love you."

what does 47 days without ****** in your veins taste like?

like trying to explain to every **** person that you meet that you're not sick anymore
it just takes time to put the weight back on

like my girlfriend moved out and left half of her things behind
and that was ten ******* months ago
and sometimes when we **** in her backseat
i recognize my t-shirt on her floor
and so i'm still wondering if that means "i miss you"

like i think i'm way too over-medicated but everybody keeps saying "fixed" like i'm okay and i know i'm not

because my girlfriend left ten ******* months ago and i still have her t-shirts in my closet


and i bet you think that means i miss you, I don't.

Spring
everything is alive and i met a beautiful girl

Summer
the air is thick and we kissed under the stars

Fall
everything is changing and we danced in the rain

Winter
it is cold outside but i feel safe with you

something like children
stripped bare of innocence
i never got a say in what would happen to me
couldn't teach myself to speak fast enough
what does it matter
no never meant anything to you anyway

i'm sorry i didn't take better care of her
i know i promised and i tried so hard
but she does not love me
and it is hard to keep her safe when she is walking away

most days
i say i'd rather be dead

i wake up with migraines a lot
maybe because i'm always screaming in my sleep

and i'm constantly shaking
but i'm never cold

and i'm trying so hard to get comfortable

my insides feel like they're rotting

and the truth it
i just want to be in control

maybe i'll just **** myself

i'm never gonna tell her
how i crave her fingers

i always catch myself
staring at her lips

there isn't one part of her
i don't desperately desire

and she looks so ******* good
with the lights on

i'm never gonna tell her
i'm in love

all you ever did was drag me down

i'm not sorry you're gone

i'll tally your sins into flesh
maybe the blood will save you
a godless saint

my lips travel down your neck
there is so much of you that i have not yet met

it's too early in the day to be drinking
but i am trying to find the courage to tell you

there is so much i do not have to offer you
that i am still willing to give

i do not write poetry

there is nothing beautiful about her suffering

nothing beautiful about watching her tear herself into pieces

she treats pain like some kind of game

she wants to know
how small she can become

so much has changed since I met you

I  live in a different house now, left the old one behind
but I still keep my mom's key tied around my neck, an apology for all the things I couldn't take with me

I haven't driven down my old street since my dad left
he still calls me sometimes but I wonder if I'll ever really see him again
or my brother

I bought a new car, a Honda, go figure
and it almost feels like the last trip I took with my mom when I drive it
West Virginia, and how I thought we'd still be driving for days

and of course there's Her
I wore a pink cactus shirt when I married her
stayed in our home town for our honeymoon

so much has changed since I met you
and I miss handfuls of last year
and being a kid, coming home to my mom in our old house
but I'm happy here

I'm happy now

i remember conversations in the dark
don't look at how my lips tremble when i say your name
i love the way you hold me
but couldn't love me
you're all hands and teeth
and baby devour me

my ex girlfriend is still the only girl I think about kissing when I get high
and I've been getting high a lot recently but I can't tell her that

so we don't really talk, but a girl I really like thinks I sound **** after two nights of staying up shaking
and puking until I've reached my lowest weight since I got sober

and the girls at work like me around but hate watching me scratch
my brother asked me if the scratching means I'm shooting up again but I haven't touched a needle since the last time I had ***
and boy has that been awhile now

but I guess needles are the only things I think about kissing when I'm sober
so it shouldn't be too much longer before one sneaks its hollow tip into the side of my wrist ..or the top of my foot

and my boss asks if I'm still drinking too much to be considered something other than dependent
and the truth is, I dont remember most of the time
if I'm still stopping after the second glass
because I'm always so tired and I'm always asleep by 5 p.m. but I'm always waking up sick from something

I can't tell if I just forgot to eat or if I'm crashing or if I miss you

I hope that I dont miss you, but I think I do
don't I?

and the worst part is
it was always my fault

shouldn't have been drinking so much
or done all of those drugs

i wish you were sorry

disaster

i'm like comparing honey suckles to rose thorns

both of my arms ******* ache
in more ways than just longing for another needle

my house is cluttered with your ghosts

whispers telling me you're still coming home

you used to tell me you loved the way my voice sounded when i read my poetry to you
and now i don't ever feel like writing

except i saw you two days ago
and you said i tasted sweet and you kissed me like we were still getting married tomorrow

and i've wanted to die ever since

I am angry also that I have composed symphonies for someone who has turned out deaf

how tonight
you couldn't keep your hands off me

and i got to tell you
i love you
over and over
and over again

seventy days felt like it could drag on for an eternity
felt like a thousand tiny almosts piled higher than the naked eye can see
felt..impossible

when I wrote about clean time I talked in measures of a few hours

it's been six hours since I held a needle to my wrist
a metaphoric gun to my head

it's been six hours since i felt the empty inside of me vanish

it's been fifteen hours since i woke up dope sick
I sweat through my sheets twice before I get tired of changing them

it's been twenty-four hours since the last time I got high so
I'm clean

Just For Today

i'm so into you

and the way you kiss me
with your hands at my throat

i want to make you feel

i'm not really sure anymore

because i want to make you feel safe

but i know
there's just something about feeling dangerous

you can't seem to get enough of

and she doesn't look anything like you

and shes's warmer than she is angry and she looks at me with these eyes

and they aren't yours
so i should be happy
that's what everyone keeps saying
"i'm so happy you've moved on, you deserve someone who is good for you"

i know you're no good for me and i ******* love it
and i love you
i love the way you smell and the way you feel pressed up against my chest when we're together because when we're good we are so ******* good the world stops to smile at us

and i know i'm not good to you like i could be (should be)
but i'm trying

and i want so badly to be consumed by you
so what if you're ******* someone else
i'm still the one you love

when you're his favorite version of the word "******"
translates more towards "greedy"
and you **** him when you're hungry
tonight I'm starving
and there's nothing graceful about our touching
I'm just desperate for that next hit

nightmares
are crawling into bed alone
wrapping my arms around your ghost

i'll hold you until you feel safe
always

i can almost feel your hands on me
hear myself begging you to stay
this time
it's suddenly so much harder to breathe
watching you walk away
come back
because i am so sick of waking up alone

You, sobriety, are my longest lasting relationship.
Even though I'm not exactly sure where we fell off.

YOU, ex girlfriend, are not really sober if you still smoke **** four times a day. **** is still a drug, whether or not you treat it like medicine.

And yes, alcohol (in the minds of those who matter) is still a drug, whether or not I treat it like medicine.

And no, this is not the long way of telling you to quit coping the safest way you know how. But stop telling your friends that you're better than me because at least you have some clean time.

The thing is, we both know what liquid ****** tastes like.. mixed with blood and running from the bee sting in the crook of our elbows. So please stop thinking you're better than me.

At any rate, at least I'm not breaking the law anymore. No one is going to send me back to jail for the six pack I keep in the fridge.

Today could've been eight months. And I will admit that it does make my stomach turn thinking about how much I'm willing to give up to feel whole again.


Hey, ex girlfriend, I hate the way **** smells mixed with your perfume. That's the reason I don't come around much these days.. but I know how much you hate the smell of whiskey on my breath so maybe that's why you don't seem to notice

I don't miss getting high when I'm with you

you see, my hands shake
and i've broken most of my teeth
and i lose weight like i lose sleep
and my eyes are open but this still feels like a dream
and i don't know how to wake up

it's 2 a.m. and I've been sober for a week and that's the longest I've been sober in months and you're asleep on the couch because you are too afraid to go upstairs after Matt especially at night and I have nightmares every time I close my eyes and oh god I am terrified

she whispers into the space between my neck and my collar bone
she tells me she never wants to leave
her lips trace promises of tomorrow onto my skin
there is nothing outside of us
of her and me
these blankets
she says
this is all i know anymore
like i have forgotten how to taste like anything
but waking up beside you
i tell her
this is all i want to know anymore
these blankets and tasting like you
but the world does not turn only for me
and when she leaves my bed
she is just another girl
and i am just desperately waiting
for tomorrow

i reread every poem i could find tagged in my initials

you keep saying i love ****** more than you but i tried to die when you left me and i tried to find you when i stopped getting high so what i think you meant to say was

you're scared

i mean how many times can you watch someone **** themselves before it in turn kills you

i never stopped wanting you

I make a habit of frequenting the bar across the parking lot
in hopes of casually bumping into you

I rehearse in my head the way I'll avoid striking up conversation
leave my number tucked between bills in the host book on the table
stroll out the door, I promise myself I will not look back

My therapist says my unmedicated mania is dangerous
because I turn into disaster, the way I'm longing for your smile

Today's my birthday and I'm finally old enough to sit quietly alone with a glass of bourbon, the way my father does
I scratch my fingertips raw on the table longing for the clicking of graphite nails
But I cut them to the quick when I spent two days worrying about what you might think if you saw my hands

mouth full of broken teeth
no wonder I don’t smile like I use to

I can’t feel you on me
and I’m dying for a reminder that you’re still here

I miss you
I stopped having nightmares a long time ago and now I’m just trying to remember what it was like to dream
my chest is heavy and I’m so sorry I couldn’t love you right
Please don’t leave

I was 16 the first time a boy I trusted threw the phrase "I love you" like a hand grenade

"boy", because my mother taught me it doesn't matter whether real men wear pink as long as they are gentle with these vital pieces of you
calloused hands can still be soft
it all depends on the way they touch you

and in fact, I was 16 the second time too.. a different boy, bigger than me like the first
he didn't struggle to nail my hands to the boards beneath me
maybe because I was never strong enough to left his knees off my chest
Or maybe there wasn't much fight in me that day either

I didn't cry when I woke up naked in my best friend's bed that same year
And I didn't cry when they kicked me out of school because roofies sounded like ****** to their ears

so if I say their names out loud who am I giving the power to? is it ironic the way he has the same name as your father.. looks strikingly similar to a man who has never ***** me, just ripped his own daughter's heart out when he didn't stop someone else from doing the same to her

I was old enough to know better when I started going home with girls that only fed me pills in the shape of their lips
it was my own mistake when I started kissing strangers the way I kissed whiskey bottles

I was 18.. she told social media it was the best *** she's ever had.
19.. her hands aren't even calloused but I've never felt skin so rough
20.. I'd rather be in jail for the rest of my life than explain to my therapist that you weren't taking advantage of me if I'm the one who led you up the stairs

I am casual in the way I mention the finger shaped bruises they left on my thighs and my wrists and the rope burns around my heart after I tried to hang myself when I couldn't catch my breath after the weight of his knees on my chest
I promise that this are not things I dwell on
these are not memories that I am still bitter or angry over

and in fact, it wasn't until I recognized that it was my voice that has been screaming all this time
that i was even willing to name you.

i'm getting bad again

my ex girlfriend loves make up
loves it the way she says i love needles in my veins
but this song isn't about that
not this time
it's about how many youtube channels she followed on my account
and that's one
and how i go online to read the **** she wrote about me when i thought we were still in love
and i play our soundtrack over and over
the way she asked to listen to led zeppelin in bed together
back when the powder wasn't nearly as scary
and she asks me how i'm so confident wearing war stories on my ******* sleeves
because all her burn scars she hides under all that make up
and i use to tell her how kissing her tasted like waking up safe for the first time in decades
and that's all i have
and how i labeled her as "home"
and left all my flaws and all my faults
buried under paperwork in one of her drawers
where i figured i'd never see them again
but my ex girlfriend loves make up
and when she removed it
well i'll be ****** if i'm ever going back

I don't tell other people's secrets
I have too many of my own that I'm still hoping you might forget soon

I am dangerous like falling in love with your best friend
and maybe because I am so casually comfortable with the idea of never letting you all the way in

I am the reason self-help books were created

I have "disaster" too literally tattooed on every inch of my skin

"you could be my therapist, but no. I'm not telling a stranger **** about me."
and go figure, but I have never been more interested in all the things you are not willing to say

because this porcelain smile of yours seems close to cracking
and I have more experience with that than you might believe

I'm scared
almost all of the time of almost everything

I haven't felt at peace since a lot of things went down
and I'm still learning to live through that

I wouldn't write about it if it didn't still hurt

relapsing after being clean for any period of time is trying
and almost all the time I take it too far

being in the city scares me
I am terrified of running into old ghosts

and being with you scares me too
because I am convinced good things are not meant to be
but I'll be ****** if I give up just because it's scary

she will never forgive me for picking ******

she says the *** is the best when i'm still shaking
says she hasn't seen me need something so badly since i met her

says i broke her heart for a dub of dope

like twenty dollars could ever replace her

I always find myself running after things I know are no good for me

like you.

and *******
but at least the blow leaves me feeling good
told me I was a god

you just left me feeling empty

i've got the world at my feet
and better things to chase

you were never worth my time