what does 47 days without ****** in your veins taste like?

like trying to explain to every **** person that you meet that you're not sick anymore
it just takes time to put the weight back on

like my girlfriend moved out and left half of her things behind
and that was ten ******* months ago
and sometimes when we **** in her backseat
i recognize my t-shirt on her floor
and so i'm still wondering if that means "i miss you"

like i think i'm way too over-medicated but everybody keeps saying "fixed" like i'm okay and i know i'm not

because my girlfriend left ten ******* months ago and i still have her t-shirts in my closet


and i bet you think that means i miss you, I don't.

so much has changed since I met you

I  live in a different house now, left the old one behind
but I still keep my mom's key tied around my neck, an apology for all the things I couldn't take with me

I haven't driven down my old street since my dad left
he still calls me sometimes but I wonder if I'll ever really see him again
or my brother

I bought a new car, a Honda, go figure
and it almost feels like the last trip I took with my mom when I drive it
West Virginia, and how I thought we'd still be driving for days

and of course there's Her
I wore a pink cactus shirt when I married her
stayed in our home town for our honeymoon

so much has changed since I met you
and I miss handfuls of last year
and being a kid, coming home to my mom in our old house
but I'm happy here

I'm happy now

I'm scared
almost all of the time of almost everything

I haven't felt at peace since a lot of things went down
and I'm still learning to live through that

I wouldn't write about it if it didn't still hurt

relapsing after being clean for any period of time is trying
and almost all the time I take it too far

being in the city scares me
I am terrified of running into old ghosts

and being with you scares me too
because I am convinced good things are not meant to be
but I'll be ****** if I give up just because it's scary

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light

she's the color of

bleach down your throat

she knows all too well
the way stomach acid tastes

i've never seen someone

look

so

pale

I am angry also that I have composed symphonies for someone who has turned out deaf

****** isn’t scary anymore
and neither are the withdrawals

I’m not afraid of anything except losing you

all you ever did was drag me down

i'm not sorry you're gone

Spring
everything is alive and i met a beautiful girl

Summer
the air is thick and we kissed under the stars

Fall
everything is changing and we danced in the rain

Winter
it is cold outside but i feel safe with you

it's 2 a.m. and I've been sober for a week and that's the longest I've been sober in months and you're asleep on the couch because you are too afraid to go upstairs after Matt especially at night and I have nightmares every time I close my eyes and oh god I am terrified

until my best friend overdosed on the landing at the top of my stairs

and she cried and cried and screamed and she had nightmares for weeks and we slept on the couch until the dark by the bathroom wasn't so scary

"I never want to see you like that"

but I guess I had other plans
and she cried and screamed and she threw things at me and I was evil, so evil I think I hollowed out my chest to make room for the bad, the poison, the death of myself (and ultimately our relationship)

and I tried to die on purpose a couple of times, but never the times I was with her.
but there was nothing sweet left of me and she was so tired of drinking from my bitter lips
and breaking ribs

so playing at death's doorbell isn't cute anymore, it makes her sick to her stomach and I have the videos to prove it

but now all the bad stuff is gone from my body and my chest is still empty because I packed up my mangled heart and patch quilt lungs in your trunk of things and i never see you anymore
and I don't know how to call you and say that I need it all back

haunted houses
and not the ones on television
and the only ghosts that scare me
are the ones that carry my face

i swear i've died more times than i can remember
in the arms of girls that made me feel safe
and i cringe every time they try dig up my grave

and i'm not afraid of *******
but there are reasons i stay sober when i'm not alone
i'm more afraid of greedy hands
and everyone who never listens when i say no

my fingers pluck at every part of you
you love to hate

like strings on a guitar

and oh god
you make the most beautiful sound

what the hell was i thinking
you were the one tearing me apart
but with empty promises
and a smile to match
i let you try to stitch me back together

you've never been very good with your hands

i'm breaking at the seams
you're no ******* good for me

I’m not supposed to miss you

my friends are mad you left
not really because I’m sad
just because they all thought we’d out last ourselves

but by the time I was spending our anniversary alone
you were ******* someone new

I’m not supposed to miss you

but when I watch our favorite movies
I still look over to see if you laughed too

I won’t **** her because she
doesn’t taste like you

I just wanted you to stay

I’m not supposed to miss you

but I swear
baby I still do

feel like

biting my nails too close
and stubbing the same toe
over and over and over again

except a lot ******* worse

taste like

bile and stomach acid

and my throat ******* burns

and i can't tell if it's ever going to end
or if i just have to get high again

remember razor blades
and how she tasted when you kissed

something smells like rust

and i can't tell it it is open wounds
or if i just left myself out in the rain again

what is it like to love someone
more than you hate yourself

i am trying to remember

thanks sobriety
for leaving me tossing in bed at night
i still wake up crying sometimes
but i can never remember why

i'm never gonna tell her
how i crave her fingers

i always catch myself
staring at her lips

there isn't one part of her
i don't desperately desire

and she looks so ******* good
with the lights on

i'm never gonna tell her
i'm in love

when you're his favorite version of the word "******"
translates more towards "greedy"
and you **** him when you're hungry
tonight I'm starving
and there's nothing graceful about our touching
I'm just desperate for that next hit

i'm sorry i didn't take better care of her
i know i promised and i tried so hard
but she does not love me
and it is hard to keep her safe when she is walking away

the world would be a better place if

growing up I didn’t have to fight myself
on whether loving her was worth losing everything else

if it didn’t take years for me to come to terms with it
and finally admit what I was
like being gay is something I should be ashamed of

if I hadn’t got the easy end of it all

if day by day kids weren’t losing their homes
cause daddy didn’t like who
they were bringing home
and

if not every LGBT was a suicide risk
but there isn’t any bliss
in trying to hide your scars

the ones on your arms or
the ones in your heart

cause
not everybody understands
that just because a man loves a man
doesn’t mean that love isn’t anything but pure

the world would be a better place I’m sure

if just because I love a girl
didn’t mean it was the end of the world

most days
i say i'd rather be dead

i wake up with migraines a lot
maybe because i'm always screaming in my sleep

and i'm constantly shaking
but i'm never cold

and i'm trying so hard to get comfortable

my insides feel like they're rotting

and the truth it
i just want to be in control

maybe i'll just **** myself

I spent the day collecting your things

put them away in a cardboard box
and tucked it in the back of my closet

along with the rest of my skeletons

I spent the night scraping you from my bones

washing your scent off of the sheets
scrubbing away the taste of your skin

I don’t want to remember

I don’t want to spend another second on you
I can’t

at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying

my ex girlfriend is still the only girl I think about kissing when I get high
and I've been getting high a lot recently but I can't tell her that

so we don't really talk, but a girl I really like thinks I sound **** after two nights of staying up shaking
and puking until I've reached my lowest weight since I got sober

and the girls at work like me around but hate watching me scratch
my brother asked me if the scratching means I'm shooting up again but I haven't touched a needle since the last time I had ***
and boy has that been awhile now

but I guess needles are the only things I think about kissing when I'm sober
so it shouldn't be too much longer before one sneaks its hollow tip into the side of my wrist ..or the top of my foot

and my boss asks if I'm still drinking too much to be considered something other than dependent
and the truth is, I dont remember most of the time
if I'm still stopping after the second glass
because I'm always so tired and I'm always asleep by 5 p.m. but I'm always waking up sick from something

I can't tell if I just forgot to eat or if I'm crashing or if I miss you

I hope that I dont miss you, but I think I do
don't I?

TW: suicide is not the answer
but strangely enough
right now i can't exactly recall what the question was

so maybe that's just how we'll do it tonight


TW: i stopped cutting when i was sixteen but then my best friend ***** me and i slit my wrists wide open when i woke up still high off the roofies she gave me
so actually
i stopped cutting when i was seventeen

and that's only because i met ******
and she taught me a different kind of numb


TW: i'm 170 pounds again and i think about throwing up every time i see a picture of myself or look in the mirror
and i wouldn't want to puke so bad if i could just stop eating but i can't even do that

so tally that one on the list of things i hate about myself


TW: it wasn't enough that i was a ******
i had to be a ******* "******" too

which is funny because despite what everyone keeps saying i really don't want to be a boy at all
i just want you to stop associating the word female with feminine
and stop expecting me to do my eyebrows or care about how my **** look in the shirt i'm wearing


TW: suicide is never the answer

but i'm just so **** sick of being sad
and feeling like i am suffocating but wishing that i actually was

I was 16 the first time a boy I trusted threw the phrase "I love you" like a hand grenade

"boy", because my mother taught me it doesn't matter whether real men wear pink as long as they are gentle with these vital pieces of you
calloused hands can still be soft
it all depends on the way they touch you

and in fact, I was 16 the second time too.. a different boy, bigger than me like the first
he didn't struggle to nail my hands to the boards beneath me
maybe because I was never strong enough to left his knees off my chest
Or maybe there wasn't much fight in me that day either

I didn't cry when I woke up naked in my best friend's bed that same year
And I didn't cry when they kicked me out of school because roofies sounded like ****** to their ears

so if I say their names out loud who am I giving the power to? is it ironic the way he has the same name as your father.. looks strikingly similar to a man who has never ***** me, just ripped his own daughter's heart out when he didn't stop someone else from doing the same to her

I was old enough to know better when I started going home with girls that only fed me pills in the shape of their lips
it was my own mistake when I started kissing strangers the way I kissed whiskey bottles

I was 18.. she told social media it was the best *** she's ever had.
19.. her hands aren't even calloused but I've never felt skin so rough
20.. I'd rather be in jail for the rest of my life than explain to my therapist that you weren't taking advantage of me if I'm the one who led you up the stairs

I am casual in the way I mention the finger shaped bruises they left on my thighs and my wrists and the rope burns around my heart after I tried to hang myself when I couldn't catch my breath after the weight of his knees on my chest
I promise that this are not things I dwell on
these are not memories that I am still bitter or angry over

and in fact, it wasn't until I recognized that it was my voice that has been screaming all this time
that i was even willing to name you.

i do not write poetry

there is nothing beautiful about her suffering

nothing beautiful about watching her tear herself into pieces

she treats pain like some kind of game

she wants to know
how small she can become

You, sobriety, are my longest lasting relationship.
Even though I'm not exactly sure where we fell off.

YOU, ex girlfriend, are not really sober if you still smoke **** four times a day. **** is still a drug, whether or not you treat it like medicine.

And yes, alcohol (in the minds of those who matter) is still a drug, whether or not I treat it like medicine.

And no, this is not the long way of telling you to quit coping the safest way you know how. But stop telling your friends that you're better than me because at least you have some clean time.

The thing is, we both know what liquid ****** tastes like.. mixed with blood and running from the bee sting in the crook of our elbows. So please stop thinking you're better than me.

At any rate, at least I'm not breaking the law anymore. No one is going to send me back to jail for the six pack I keep in the fridge.

Today could've been eight months. And I will admit that it does make my stomach turn thinking about how much I'm willing to give up to feel whole again.


Hey, ex girlfriend, I hate the way **** smells mixed with your perfume. That's the reason I don't come around much these days.. but I know how much you hate the smell of whiskey on my breath so maybe that's why you don't seem to notice

I make a habit of frequenting the bar across the parking lot
in hopes of casually bumping into you

I rehearse in my head the way I'll avoid striking up conversation
leave my number tucked between bills in the host book on the table
stroll out the door, I promise myself I will not look back

My therapist says my unmedicated mania is dangerous
because I turn into disaster, the way I'm longing for your smile

Today's my birthday and I'm finally old enough to sit quietly alone with a glass of bourbon, the way my father does
I scratch my fingertips raw on the table longing for the clicking of graphite nails
But I cut them to the quick when I spent two days worrying about what you might think if you saw my hands

i'll tally your sins into flesh
maybe the blood will save you
a godless saint

my lips travel down your neck
there is so much of you that i have not yet met

it's too early in the day to be drinking
but i am trying to find the courage to tell you

there is so much i do not have to offer you
that i am still willing to give

something like children
stripped bare of innocence
i never got a say in what would happen to me
couldn't teach myself to speak fast enough
what does it matter
no never meant anything to you anyway

and my driver spit dip and asked me about my life
things she probably doesn't even know about me
Which is fine
she was undressed before I took my boots off
she waved goodbye from the door of her apartment while her nicotine hands traced every curve from her pink lace lips to the dip where her thighs meet

I have only ever described myself as hungry when it comes to her
And she is the only girl I could ever wish to devour
Completely

how could I live with myself waking up beside her bones
fractured and splintered under the weight of I Love You's that only last until the next mating season starts

And I've been trying for so long to forget the way her palm lights my skin on fire but she told me that I had soft lips like she has never memorized this mouth of braile
like she doesn't already know what I feel like against every inch of her

She sent me home in an uber
and I'm an idiot for letting her convince me I could be safe here

disaster

i'm like comparing honey suckles to rose thorns

both of my arms ******* ache
in more ways than just longing for another needle

my house is cluttered with your ghosts

whispers telling me you're still coming home

you used to tell me you loved the way my voice sounded when i read my poetry to you
and now i don't ever feel like writing

except i saw you two days ago
and you said i tasted sweet and you kissed me like we were still getting married tomorrow

and i've wanted to die ever since

and the worst part is
it was always my fault

shouldn't have been drinking so much
or done all of those drugs

i wish you were sorry

how tonight
you couldn't keep your hands off me

and i got to tell you
i love you
over and over
and over again

i'm so into you

and the way you kiss me
with your hands at my throat

i want to make you feel

i'm not really sure anymore

because i want to make you feel safe

but i know
there's just something about feeling dangerous

you can't seem to get enough of

I am too critical about the smallest things
it’s not hard to set my blood to boil
but I’m a short burst before I’ve forgotten where the anger came from

My girlfriend is the most gentle human I have ever met
she never wants to agree on little things, like how to spend the afternoon because she always wants to do something better (together) she loves quality time that includes physical affection and I’m probably The most hands off lover she could have picked
But I’m tryin to get better about it for her

She’s all early mornings and Extravagant dates
She and I are total opposites in more than one way

But she is the most incredible person I have ever known and I wouldn’t change a **** thing about her if I could

i remember conversations in the dark
don't look at how my lips tremble when i say your name
i love the way you hold me
but couldn't love me
you're all hands and teeth
and baby devour me

I can't wake up anymore
WITHOUT WANTING TO PUKE

and my house is haunted
by a dead boy still walking

and he says that he's sorry


but I still can't breathe

I don't tell other people's secrets
I have too many of my own that I'm still hoping you might forget soon

I am dangerous like falling in love with your best friend
and maybe because I am so casually comfortable with the idea of never letting you all the way in

I am the reason self-help books were created

I have "disaster" too literally tattooed on every inch of my skin

"you could be my therapist, but no. I'm not telling a stranger **** about me."
and go figure, but I have never been more interested in all the things you are not willing to say

because this porcelain smile of yours seems close to cracking
and I have more experience with that than you might believe

i. you did not taste like your promises
not like "forever" or "i love you"
you tasted like desperation and old cigarette smoke
and i do not know which one i liked more

I don't miss getting high when I'm with you

I swear it's nights like this
(I threw out my NA chips)
And I've had a few too many sips
And I can feel the weight of your heart shaped lips
Pressed against my eyelids

I've been trying to fall asleep for four months
Afraid to forget the way your eyes traced every inch of my fragile being before walking away for the last time

I know I look terrible in green
Rather be draped in this pale skin and
You
Always you

The last time we slept together I almost died when I had to pry myself from your arms
Or my arms from around myself
Or whatever makes the most sense in saying
I have missed you every moment since then

I don't drink anymore because I still don't eat and I can feel the alcohol tearing holes in my insides
And that's already your job
And you're so ******* good at it

I've been trying to plug these holes and their frayed edges with anything that sounds like the way you laugh when you're nervous

So what I mean is
I'm a liar
I drink until I feel light headed but never drunk so I know exactly what I'm saying but I have every excuse to pretend not to

When I'm pleading with the way you swear you'll never stop loving me
And I've seen you naked in the last two months since I've been home
And that would almost feel like a victory

Except

When I'm working
I have to hold my breath sometimes because I'm so scared of what I'd have to say to you if you ever walked in our front door to make you leave

Because watching you sit with in arm's reach might actually be the final death of me

And that would be a miracle

I talked to an old ex of mine about tiny magics and how mine is never dying no matter how hard I try

No matter how many words like bullets you shoot into my temples
No matter how many needles dipped in poison you watch me then dip into my veins
No matter how many times I tear out all my guts so I can hand you my heart again
And no matter how many times you leave it on ***** street corners in the rain

Do you remember how you would kiss my fingertips and how softly we would hold each other as I ran that blessed holy water of a hand down to the small of your back
Do you remember what your name sounds like in my voice

Do you remember
What it was like
Holding my blood red heart
in your hands

I don't know which means more,

that it's been five months since I counted out the grains of salt it would take to get me through my next dry spell well enough to get out of bed..

or that it's been at least two months since I even thought of pin ***** needle point as an escape from ...well, anything

keep day dreaming of girls i've never met kissing smack into my wrists
i'm ready for something ******* lethal
and love poems aren't the same as saying i like the way you **** me like i owe you something
you're dangerous
and i swear

nothing tastes like you

yesterday my PO showed up at my front door and my dad let her in
she ******* at me for skipping two months worth of tests
and for telling my best friend I'd get clean if she'd lie and say she loved me back

the next time i go to court i'm facing 5 to 7
with guidelines like that
the chances of me ever getting to meet my daughter are slim if
not nothing

my ex and i haven't spoken in weeks but i know she's getting high again
and i know she's still pretending like we were in love once

tell me about the first time you ever did blow
******
the first time you took whiskey in shots in a hotel room before swallowing xanax like tic tacs

TELL ME ABOUT THE FIRST BABY YOU LOST
tell me about the way you were going to get married in a week and you were hire someone vegan to cater even though i ******* hate the way tofu feels

tell me about the second baby you lost
tell me about how you named both of them after my daughter even though you never got to see their eyes

tell me about the boy you cheated on me with
the girl you let choke back ***** in my living room

tell me about how you kept coming to see me the last time i was locked up until suddenly it wasn't worth it anymore

i taste like sunshine with dirt in my veins and i know because you've written a hundred poems telling me so

fire hungry
ate up all the gasoline

our spark died fast(er than you'd believe)