I kneel before this paper
Make it my altar
Grasp the pen
That will be the blade
To pour the blood
Sealing my fate
As a poet

Helpless
Compelled to write
An addict to the pain
Addicted to the lines of ******* ink
Drunk off the emotions
Poured into the words
Like shot glasses

Helpless
Its a better feeling
When every line you write
Captures a person
While they don't realize
I really do want to end my life

Helpless
As I watch the story line unfold
The constant stabbing
The slitting of my wrist
The drug abuse
The drinking to numb the pain

Its me I am killing
Every poem
Yeah its me
I enjoy it
It brings satisfaction
Because I get to watch myself die

Helpless
Not anymore
Because I am tired of it
And really thinking of doing it
Just end all of this
I was just another poet
That didnt amount to anything
Just like the world thought I would

I've tried a million times
Then tried again
Just to find enough hatred toward you
To find a way to force a goodbye
Yet these emotions
Are nothinng but ghost
Nailed to my mistakes
And I wish sorry fixed it
But even tears I force
Can't spell help me say goodbye
I've tried running
I've ran till my feet bled
Danced in tequila
Paraded through clouds of smoke
Hoping somewhere I'll forget you
I've only managed to forget myself
And the reason why I started trying
Trying to give up on you
It wasn't fear
It wasn't stupidity
I just knew I wasn't good enough
I wrote to you a million times
Never pressed send
Just exited out and locked the screen
I wish I could say goodbye
The way you said it to me
A merry *******
And a happy Go **** Yourself
But I deserved it
I gave up when you started to give in
We met at a crossroad at different times
I still love you
While I know you'll hate me
This is a farewell letter to you
You'll know its you when you read it
I made it clear enough
Seems you were too much of a mystery

it doesnt come frome
his ability to cry
his ability to sing
or his ability to act
even his ability to think

A Poets Fame
comes long after his death
when children can relate
or when women decide to rest
when men decide to weep

it doesnt come from
his ability to write
his ability to ryhme
or his ability to laugh
even his ability to hear

A Poets Fame
comes when the world sees fit
when life seems worthless
when death is at your door
or when emotions grow to heavy

A Poets Fame
is written in history
bound to the pages
and his lost sanity
furthers his legacy
that we try to follow

You started looking at my wrist
Asking me if I was cutting
You started to notice I wasn't wearing white
I always wore white around your father
He had a tendency of disliking dark colors
Thought it was emo and devilish
But I change that when he saw the cross you gave me
Around my neck
You'd try and pull my shirt off
When we were making out in your room
I leaped up and headed out the door
You knew right away I was hiding something
Pulled my shirt up and saw
The patterned scars on my chest
The crisscrossing of blade touched lines
Darkened and still bleeding
Burning from the incision
Irritated when you rubbed against it
This time it wasn't my wrist bleeding
It was something that still had the effect I craved
And the disgust you so intolerably loathed

Popped six pills
Sipped on this bottle for an hour
It was dry in the first half
Opened some old wounds
Tried burying the hatch
From 17 years of torture
Found myself curled up
In the corner talking to myself
I know this is how it's always going to be
One more year
Still everything will be the same
Except one huge dramatic change
That might fill the air with a lighter shade of grey
I wont be there anymore
I'm not running
I'm escaping
Giving you all the bird
Saying hello to my baby
Let the sands on the beaches
Fill my *** crack
Let the water flutter over the rocks at my feet
While I'm holding her in my arms
So everything does get better
When you are gone
I'm going to make love to an angel
Make it a crime to look at her
Wondering how the **** I ended up in those eyes
Why I'm the one being blessed
To be captured in her memory
Knowing I loved her the way she truly deserves
IF I fail tell the world I ****** up
I'm not waiting for the next step to **** me
I'm waiting for the first time I get to say
Baby I'm home :)

Loneliness
The key to my survival
The one thing I try to stay in
But people are attracted to me
Confusing and sending my mind reeling

Questions I hope to answer
Answers I pray never to find
But I'm in a lonely world
Dark and mystical

Leaving me breathless
Waiting for my true love to give back
My stolen heartbeat
Paralyzed in a world full of killers

Yet the one I fear is the killer
The monster, the demon within
I hope and pray my world to turn to rubble
Sending me to a dark corner

Watch as your nightmares
And my sweet evil dreams
Become the reality you came to find in me
The apocalypse is the bomb inside me
That is the reason I prefer to be alone

in this icy world
in this constent nightmare
in this ruthless war
in this flooding ocean of blood
am i alone

on this path to darkness
on this island of screams
on this edge of sanity
on this sinking ship of hope
am i alone

i cant possibly be alone
because with every step
i hear a voice
a faint whisper
but i cant comprehend its words

as i shatter under the pressure
i finally see the source of the voice
i hear its words with perfect clarity
coming slowly from her lips
"your never going to be alone"

Mom you gave me life
You gave me knowledge
Yet there is nothing
I can give you on this day

I wish you
A Happy Mothers Day
You are truely the greatest
Your a hero to me

Mom you deserve everything
You sacrifice till there is nothing left
And you sacrifice more
Your undisputed

All there is left to say is
Happy Mothers Day
You deserve to rest
I love you

My life I would trade for yours
A million times over
Till the day the world ended
Even then I would try
To keep you alive
Because your a gift to me
One I never quite deserved
Rachel
I LOVE YOU
I would take a billion
If not trillions of nuclear warheads for you
I dont think anyone
Can quite comprehend
How much it is that I love you
But you are my reason
The only reason
That I shall die
If ever the moment comes

Here's my reply
Yes
I don't need to be by your side
Of every waking minute
I don't have to tell you
Baby I love you
I don't want to see you
Waist deep in your own tears
Afraid that I won't love you
When mascara runs quicker than fear
You asked me
Several times in less than an hour
How can I love you
When your nothing than an emotion wreck
My reply was as simple as saying
I was the deer caught in the headlights
Happy to leave my blood on your bumper
I shouldn't have to answer every question
Because you already know the answer
Long before it spews off this tongue
I'm so madly in love with you
Criminally insane people call the kettle black
If you saw what I see
How many tears wouldn't roll down
Those rosy hills on your face
How can I be your hero
When you can't be my sidekick
I depend on you just as as much as you do me
You asked me
So it's my turn to ask you
Will you let me love you
The way I know you love me

Your beautiful brown eyes
Lay vacant six feet below
Where I now stand
I still remember that day
As if it just happened today
Your phone still holding my number
My phone on my bedroom floor
I stole my mothers car
Just to drive the six miles we were apart
You must of planned it perfectly
Your wrist already slit
I heard the gunshot
As I rushed into the house
Your bedroom door locked
I yelled "I'm coming"
Knowing I couldn't save you
I held you for an hour
Before the cops arrived
I felt your body go cold
The life leaving your fingertips
Yet through it all
Not one tear fell
I hate myself because of that
I loved you
You were the only perfect thing
Now here you are
Statue limbs growing colder
Eyes no longer brown
But white eggs rolling
Into the back of your head
What possessed you?
Was it the heartbreak of your former lover
That ****** bag didn't even come
To you tear parade funeral
Was it the loss of your father
And watching your mother
Fall into a deep depressed syringe of ******
Was it the lack of attention
I could barely give you
Due to my own familial problems
If I wouldn't trade places with you
I was stronger than you
But I can't take it anymore
I visited your grave last year
Last time I saw you
Last words I whispered in your dead ear
"I'll join you later, I'll live for you"
I upheld my promise
What possessed you?
To **** yourself
And waste the years we shared
I hope you're happy now
I wish I could of saved you

I love you
I love how weird you are
I love how you smile at my stupidity
How you find a sense of peace
Within my voice
I love you
I don't even know why anymore
I just know I do
I love how you find comfort
Within my anger and despair
You find relief in my problems
Because it makes your problems seem less
Than the way you view them
I love how you love me
The way you say good morning
The way you say goodnight
I simply love you for no reason
Can this be true
If it is not
I'm dying knowing I gave everything
Loving you the way you deserve
And I hope the way I want to love you
Is the way you want to be loved
Because I don't want to waste your time
I want a love that is true
And seeing as how you loved me
For the past seven years
I know this is true
And for that I love you even more
I will scream it at the top of my lungs
If I have too

Smiles fill today
While razor-sharp teeth
Flash themselves from behind tender lips
Yes I'm scared of tomorrow
Because the end of today
Brings me one step closer
To the world filled with the unknown
Mother and Father trying to protect me
Saying they're getting me ready
Yet they don't know what tomorrow holds
I'm scared of it
Will I fall?
Will I see four walls one made of steel?
Will I walk through fire
Or slip on the icy heart of the streets?
Tomorrow is unknown
Today is almost over
Yesterday was simpler
Let my life go backwards
At least I know what it held

I’d tell you the pain
At any funeral
Was the suttle reminder
To love those closest to you
I’d tell you
She cries too
Her only shoulder to lean on
Was the faith you had
If I were best friends with god
I’d give you hints of who she was
How vast her love is
I’d tell you you’re never alone
Through every shadow
She could still see you
Your own light shining
If only you would pull the shade
If I were best friends with god
I’d tell you why we were created
How everybody needs a friend
Someone to love
To be loved by
I’d tell you her only power
Was making love
If I were best friends with god
I wouldn’t have to think
About a future without me
Never finishing watching
My kids grow
I’d tell you heaven was real
I’d describe it in vivid detail
How instead of gold gates
It’s only cobblestone walkways
White picket fence
And a light on the porch
In case you arrived at dark
If I were best friends with god
I’d tell you how she smiles
When her temper tantrums
Leave ruined lives
Holding each other’s hands
I’d tell you she’s just like a child
Cute and innocent
Wild and fierce
Out for attention
Hoping you’ll find her message
Somewhere amongst the chaos
If I were best friends with god
I’d have a few more answers
Sadly I know no god
Only the moments I cherish
As I fill my own life
With the laughter of friends and family
And maybe when I’m done having fun
I’ll have a cup of tea
And start a friendship
With whatever’s on the other side

In the words of God
You fall victim again
Cast out of your mothers home
Rejected by your father
All because your preference in *** is different

In the words of God
You're deemed weak and evil
****** by society with jagged words
Whipped upon the altar of peasants feet
Because you steal bread to feed little mouths

In the words of God
We all have a code to abide by
I'm sorry but I don't live life by a book
I live it with the intention
That every second is my last

In the words of God
You're only allowed to worship him
Yet you idol a cross
When your daughter or son
Walk the beaten path of self righteousness

In the words of Me
We're all one being
I don't give a **** for your beliefs
Your traditions or your customs
Live your life your way
Don't judge man for the way Your God made them
And add that to your Bible

You read my poems
You messaged me
You listened to my problems
You could relate to me
And all I can say is thank you

You really understand
Your poetry speaks to me
Like my poetry speaks to you
Your cool as hell
So again thank you

This poem is for you
Hope you enjoy
Because really
All I can say to you right now
Is simply THANK YOU!!!!

You don't know what it means to me
Coming from a broken home
And learning there is someone
Who comprehends everything
Even my crazy *** philosophy's

Its your time of the month
Its my time of the day
Somebody has to do it
So dont ask me why I'm in the shower
For 20 extra minutes

I'm tired of writing
About every ******* problem
I feel like a ***** always complaining
I cut my wrist
I smoke ****
I drink alcohol
Nobody gives a ****
Time to move on
Write my last poem
And say *******
To this trashed gift
Adios
Goodbye
Good riddance
I'm throwing my life away
Along with the people
I've come to know

This ******* has gone on long enough
Time to move on
And find another coping mechanism
Worth every second
Maybe it's time to stop thinking
And time to start doing
Meet me in the obituary


I hope this is what you wanted
To finally hear me
Give up on the one thing
I loved endlessly

Three shots down the hatch
Burning as it goes down
I'm a dragon
Breathing fire upon your nasal cavity
Sweet whiskey stench on my breath
Still drunk from the previous night
Maybe I had to much
Salud
I'll take another one
Pass out
Finally get the sleep I need
Maybe this is just a dream
Because I don't taste
The sweet, sweet whiskey
On my lips

I'm wishing on every shooting star
Counting seconds waiting for 1:11
Hoping nobody catches you
Before I can get to you
I'm running past vehicles
Bystanders pacing back and forth
Realizing its an angel falling from grace
This is my Fairytale
Telling you I love you
Knowing **** well I'd hate to love another
Yet this is your nightmare
Someone you barely know
Saving you from a destined fate
Whispering he loves you through text messages
You fear the happiness
Reject the obvious
Refuse my voice an echo
Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong
**** happens
You have a life
Why do I feel obligated to put myself first
In the long list of things that need your attention
I apologize
My ****** prison barred heart
Had never had an opportunity quite like this
The chance of parole
The key setting me free
It's the excitement
That maybe I finally found my peace
My center in a fluctuating gravity
My nirvana in a world captivated in hell
Maybe this is becoming both of our nightmares
Fairytale flies out the window
Every time I say I love you
Maybe I'll say it like this
You. Are. Indeed. Everything. I. Dreamed. About.
The reason to walk away from car wrecks
Slightly bleeding completely beaten
And I'll do it a thousand more times
Just to be able to say I survived for you

I'm 23 as of today
It was suppose to be special
Because the father I never knew
Was suppose to come today
He said he wouldn't miss it for the world
And come to find out
He traded me in for a six pack
Some 26 year old *****
Out for only the money he stockpiles
In every pocket he can find

I lived a poor life
With my mom working two jobs
Barely able to pay the bills
Me quitting school
Even though she hated the idea
Me getting a job as a landscaper
At the age of only 13
Here I am working plants now
Crying because he promised

I had to raise my three siblings
Watch my baby brother die
Because his little heart wasn't strong enough
5 years old and he faded
Disappeared like our father
He says he left for that reason
But he was out the door
4 years before we even knew

How am I suppose to be the man
Of this already vacant house
When there was never a man to teach me
That being a man was sticking it out
Through thick and thin
No crutches and no lies
Just a god we pray to on Sundays
And a lie we live through the week
I can never say I'm strong
I still break down and cry
When I see my brothers footprints
Tattooed on my mothers chest
When I see his name on my arm

They say lessons are learned
Through the mistakes we make
Yet I'm learning more from everybody else's
Rather than stumbling and catching myself
I've watched my younger sister
Sell herself for $50
My younger brother go off to high school
My baby sister crying because nobody can help her
I'm lost and beaten down
I've tried protecting her
Yet I'm too weak to protect myself

My mom says she named me angel
Because I was her gift from god
Yet I know I'm the spawn of Satan
Always working
Always being the role model
I'm the most damaged one
On every possible edge known to man
Only centimeters from the cliffs
When does enough become enough
When do I get to rest
And engulf myself in throw away girls
You know the ones who you ****
Then watch walk out the next morning
Kind of like my younger sister
But she has her own life
Her own special "medication"
Her ritual to relieve her pain
While I'm stuck working 12 hour days
6 days a ******* week
Where church comes first on the 7th day
I want to disappear
But how would my mother feel
My brother my little sister
All those depending on me
Maybe this is the feeling of a man
The feeling a father gets
When things get too rough
Backs in the corner
No left hooks or right jabs to escape
Just alcohol and the flight plan
Where nothing else matters when you go
Leave everything at the door

I haven't had a girlfriend
Yet I've had *** twice
I don't know how I managed that
I've pulled my mother out of debt
Saved us from getting evicted
Even started a fund for my brother to go to college
I'm just hoping I can be as good as a father
As I am a brother and a son
I just wish I could tell every one
Through all the struggles
All the abandonment and self hate
I can still smile for those I love
Their what matter the most
Even when we get mad at each other

If you tore the mask from my face
The only thing you'll find
Is another mask
I'm never going to be the person
Everybody wants me to be
I'll never have the perfection
Society deems desirable
I'm just the kid trying to make a name for himself
Even if it's temporarily written in the sands
Of the most gorgeous of beaches

Empty rooms
Empty halls
Everything is empty
Including me
But I'm complete
When I'm at your side

For every little thing
On every ordinary day
I find myself say I'm sorry
Well I'm sick and tired of it

I'm not sorry for your petty problems
Even if the the words I say
Put a whole in your chest
Or make you feel empty again

If the world caved in
Underneath what you thought
Was solid ground
I wont be there to pull you out

I'm tired of saying I'm sorry
It's all I say
Every ******* day
And I'm not saying it again

I would rather feel regret
Numb, broken, and alone even more
Than say it one more time to you
So no matter what you say or I do
Those words will never come off my lips again.

I'm sorry
The moment you feared has arrived
Like the fat kid getting on the scale for the first time
Like the stoner taking a drug test
Like the old guy listening to the doctor
Here's the results
Yeah...it's over
I give up
You wont mind
Hell I know you wont
Its already like its over
Maybe I'll sail away on a kite
Get lost in between the atmospheres
And all that's left is this little note
So I hope you read this
Dont text me now
I'll be too high to reply
But like all the other times
Its over before it ever started
Your silence was the reply that pushed me over the top

He had a name
Nobody cared to ask for
Smiles filled with disgust
Pity stained their eyes
Business men passing by
No hand reached out
Just another guy who had it all
Lost it when the needle pierced his veins
Gorgeous women avoiding
Afraid they'll become ugly by association
His name was John
He had a wife and three kids
Left him when he started his addiction
He wasn't proud of the times he spent
Beating her in front of the kids
Throwing plates and fights over nothing
Cheating became a way of life
An affair turned into a divorce
A box by the garbage next to the 99 cent store
Saw him one day
Mom told me not to talk to strangers
But he had a face that said hello
I asked his name
He only said I should go away
I gave him the dollar
The very one I got from the tooth fairy
Just that morning
He mustered a tear and said he couldn't take it
I insisted he use it for a can of beans
He bought ramen
I didn't blame him
Not everybody likes beans
I met him the next day
Asked his name again
He just shooed me away
So I asked if I could buy his name
Another dollar pulled from my pocket
He said his name was John
And then I realized why I liked him
He was just like my dad
Scraggly beard and an appetite for money
I asked him why he was there
He asked if I had a ten
I couldn't pay the man so he didnt tell me
The next day I was eating a pb&j;
He asked for a bite
So I brought him a loaf of bread
The peanut butter and jelly
I told him I didn't know how to make one
And I dont like sharing my food
He only laughed
A laugh so priceless
I knew he was a really nice guy
A cop came just moments later
Asked where my parents were
I told them exactly where
John said he didnt want any problems
And then I told the cop
Something that shocked both of them
He's my friend John
He's homeless and likes ramen
I might not know everything about him
But he's kind and makes really good pb&j;'s
Officer I dont want to go home just yet
The officer shook Johns hand
Gave him a twenty and said have a good day
John gave me a hug and said thanks kid
He told me his story
Told me everything about him
He was born 06/17/1961
Unfortunately he passed away today
01/04/2016 at 5:15am
That very same officer found him
Died of a heart attack
No one knows John
The only thing he never told me
Was his last name
He probably thought no one cared
John taught me that any moment could be your last
Don't ever get cocky
Makes your head too big and makes you stumble
He taught me that even the less fortunate
Are humans just as well
They hold stories nobody knows
They contain wisdom beyond comprehension
I loved John
He is and will always be a dear friend to me
He was a great friend
Even though the world saw a failure
I saw a man that was put through the ringer
Went 12 rounds with life
I saw a warrior
Even if his name wasn't John
He was my friend
Here's a pb&j; for you man

Haha jokes on you
I'll never miss the ones
Who so easily turned their back on me
Ran when everything was all too real?
You have to be ******* me golden logs
I'll miss you?
*******
Apparently you never knew me
I did tell you however
If you hurt me
I would be your worst enemy
I rather be your castle walls
Keeping you safe
But you abandoned that dream
For something you thought was better
Guess we all have something better
You're a downgrade from what I have already
Which happens to be nothing
So if you think I'll miss you
Think again...I just told you I wouldn't

I say goodbye
I say farewell
I say **** It
Just for now
This is my last poem


I'M ON VACATION

This is not the face of greatness
I don't write symphonies like Bethoven
I don't write tragedies like Shakespeare
I don't write horrors like Edgar Allan Poe
Yet they still find the time to say I'm great
That my poems move them
That they love my art work
The only thing I am is...ok
Greatness is achieved by success
I have never succeded in anything
Ever in my life
I'm not the master of metaphors
I'm not the emporer of similes
I'm not the lord of personifications
I'm simply a kid
Trying to express himself through
The addicting lines of poetry
Written to perfection due to the high
They say I'm great
Well I'm not
Simple as that
I'm just good
Maybe one day I will be great
But today I am not

I feel like I'm drifting
Slowly away from all I've worked for
I've tried to fix my shattered sanity
But every piece I put together
Another breaks away

I feel like I'm falling
Endlessly into a darker abyss
I've tried to warm my iced heart
But every piece I melt away
Another grows thicker

Every attempt I make
At something right
I end up in a darker haze
Not knowing if the next step
Will end up killing me

Is this the life I'm meant to live
Can this be all I have to look forward to
No I refuse this
But if it i who I'm meant to be
I will not let it get the best of me

Haha world I got the last laugh
I'm the one standing tall
After you put me through it all
Even as death seemed imminent
I stared back with unrelenting eyes

Broken, beaten, lost, and confused
As I walk through deepening fog
But I laughed at your attempts
To bring me to my knees
Because all it did was make me braver

I feel like I'm suffocating
Under hollow flesh and bone
I've tried to fill these eyes of empty dreams
But every piece of soul I cleanse
Another becomes dirtier

My life, my dreams, my future
All remains a giant mystery
A guess changing like the sea
But not for a second will I stop
To someday, one day be free

I wonder what it would be like to be me
To tear this mask from my face
No longer hiding the tears
No longer afraid of the scars
Just be me for once
Smile a smile I can love
Laugh a laugh that echoes
When do I get to be me
Who really knows me if I don't know myself
Your god gave me the finger
Turned away from me
Now I have nobody
Just a blank piece of paper
Too many overfilled bottles
Of raw emotion
That just never seems to get empty
No matter how far I tip it over
I'm no longer me
If I no longer know who "Me" is
So I'll walk this beaten path of self destruction
Read the dead end sign and keep walking
Stop at the cliff
Watch the sun set one more time
And awaken the still veins

No paragraph long enough
No book thick enough
No poem intense enough
No ink black enough
No blade sharp enough
To even begin to explain
The complexity of her soul
The depravity of love in her eyes
You can see the way she twist her hips
The way she bounces her chest
Just to be noticed
Even if it is by the schools janitor
She pounces around like she's bulletproof
But the glare of her peers
Disgusted turns of their lips
Faces turning upside down
Just to find the right glare of disapproval
Are .50 cal rounds at 10 yrds
They dont notice the scar under her mini skirt
The ones just peaking out from behind her bracelets
Or the one under her flesh
Buried deep within her chest
Where she carved in the initials
Of the one who ruined her
its hard to explain her
But she's too perfect to understand
To beautiful to notice
She's the one in front of you
Only making herself seen by you

Grab my hand
Go on take it
Let me take you away from this place
Step away from the edge
Together we can dance under the moon
Dancing in the moonlight
Might take your mind off things
Relieve your teary eyes
Please come with me
And let's go dancing
The way old couples do
Just with a bit more romance
Take my hand
Grab it and never let go
Dance with me in the moonlight
I love you

Silver bullets
Golden crosses
Gallons of gasoline
A stake I am tied to
Put on trial for ******
In every degree
******* judge did decree
I was guilty
Nailed like a false idol
Of worthless prayers
To this imprisoning fortress
Of ropes and tears
Crown not of thorns
But of pen tops and pencil lead
Ink flowing from every pore
This is what you have declared
War on a poet
For the idea of suicide
I will not bow
So burn me upon this stake
Like a Salem witch
**** me for all eternity
Like a plagued hobo
I am a god among you pathetic cowards
Free even in life
To my ideas and ideal scenarios of death
Joker grins surrounding me
As the flames lick at my chest
Crawling endlessly like spiders
Engulfing me with every flicker of greed
I am not dead
I live in the hearts of the disciples
Those unheard, undead poets
Wanting nothing more than to be heard
So give me a megaphone
Let me scream
FREEDOM TO ALL
Into the speaker
Because that is what we are
I will pay the price for them
I will be what unlocks the chains
The modern day Jesus
Burned at the stake for his righteousness
Burned by the suicidal voices
Echoing within the hollow corridors
Of every brain cell

Send this life up in smoke
Let the ashes burn
Every wall shall crumble
Every soul shall fade
Every tear shall evaporate
Burn it down
Burn the castle walls
Of an empire
Burn down every building
These voices call home
Burn it all
Gasoline soaked pillows
Engulf this village of vacancy
With flames of black heat
Fill the lungs of badly burned bodies
With smoke poison
Burn it down
Set everything ablaze
Start from the inside
And work your way out

How else did you think
That I wanted to end my life
Why did you think
I was so distant today

Look I have to go
I dont want to waste
Any more time
Like I have already

See if you ever wanted to know
Exactly how much
I truly loved you
Look in my wallet

You can see the drawing I did
Its a heart with wings
Three little roses
And your name in the middle

I wrote the deepest love poem
Directly under it
And I told you everything
That I ever wanted

See I was head over heels for you
Sadly it came to an end
And the scars I have from that day
Are proof of every mistake I made

I may not know what it's like being bullied
But I know what it's like being the bully
My naturally massive frame
Came with swirlies and stuffed lockers
But I eventually saw the harm I was causing
On the wrist of a kid I once bullied
I sat him down
Asked him why his scars matched that of mine
He replied with a shocking remark
"You don't help with the **** I'm going through"
I told him this
"I don't want to be the bully anymore"
I stopped every bully in the school from ******* with him
I helped kids out who were being victimized
I went from bully to friend
People were still scared of me
But I managed to take that fear
And make a movement towards helping
Every kid I once bullied
Call me mean call me whatever
I know what I once was
I'm proud of what I'm not

As I'm staring into your hazel eyes
I'm thinking of all the possibilities
The endless amount of laughter
The massive smiles that cross
Your cherry lip gloss covered lips
The one I love to taste
Every time you shy away
And mumble you love me
Scared because you don't know
What it is that I'l do this time
I can't say it's impossible to love you
Just impossible for you to understand how much
But when I look at the stars
Through your eyes
I see the hope
The last bit of faith
Making everything you are to me
Even more important to fight for
I love you
Nothing will ever change that
So maybe before
I kiss you for the last time tonight
You can do me a favor
As I whisper three words
That will echo throughout your body
As you dream of what tomorrow holds for us

Smile real big and blush

I love you

We walked on the empty beaches
Hands entwined together
We thought we would never have this moment
Walking on the oceans shores
Watching the sunsets beautiful colors
Watching as the sun sets the sky on fire
While being extinguished
It shows that our love was never meant to last
It shows I'm holding hands with a ghostly memory
Struggling to set your heart on fire
While being extinguished by your refusal

These tears fall like aerial bombs
Cascading the mountain side of the innocence
This blood flows like great rivers
Eroding the riverbanks with currents of undeniable force

They say it's a sin to commit ******
But in the text of today's society
It's classified as suicide
So will I still reach the pearly white gates of heaven
Or will I be cast down the endless inferno pits of hell
To burn in my acidic rivers of tear polluted blood
I was just a kid
How was I suppose to know
You weren't suppose to think about your life
Without the possibility of ruining another's
I was just a kid
Trying to cope with the pain
How was I suppose to know
You weren't suppose to contemplate ******
Without getting thrown into a dark emptiness between white walls
Losing yourself in the shadows
Of desolate corners
Where your only best friend
Was the guard with a needle
With your daily dose of happy juice
**** it
I can't take the disregarding of my misery
I can't relish in this pain any longer
So for the sake of all humanity
And the preservation of time
I will plunge knives of greedy points
Deep into the wrist
Home to dying veins
And humm the rhythm
Of the Undertaker's Graveyard Song

From your words
From your blood
You have created a rare breed
Of expressive people
To the poets
From ages ago
From the poems we still read
To find inspiration
We say thank you
This day dedicated to you
To all of us
To the rarest of people
We are poets
And today is our day
We own a day
Guess we are important somehow
To the poets
To the blood that runs through our veins
To the tears
That have scarred our cheeks
As we plaster those emotions
Deep into every crack and line
Within the sheets of paper
From the confounds of our soul
We pour ourselves out
To become a poet
And gladly be honored
To the poets before the poets
I say thank you

Tiny white pill
Extravagant relief after pain
Burning sensation down my throat
Like I swallowed lava
Foam erupting from the pores on my tongue
Heart slowing
Tiny white pill
I knew you were powerful
Great relief you have brought me
In this death

The way tears rolled down hills
With black eyed Susie's
Painted in perfection
On the porcelain figure that is your face
The way you forced rose petals
From your already thorn scarred wrist
Have you forgot the hours
We wasted just staring at each other
Afraid we might say something stupid
The way we would blush before we spoke
Like little kids pushed on stage
Fighting for a spot in the light
But never throwing a punch
Just stuttered and stumbled
On words we didn't even know how to say
Yet we threw words together
The way poets throw paper and ink
Into magnificent works of art
So you forgot
All the times we would hold hands
Start chanting some random song
Laugh a little till we realized we did it out loud
Where only seconds passed
Before hysterical laughter roared from our bellies
So you forgot
The late night beatings
Your egotistical alcoholic father gave you
Where you'd run to me before you ran to the blade
You don't remember any of that
So you simply forgot
Of course you would
Your no longer apart of this world
Yet you live through my memories
My scars I traced in an elegant array
To match the very ones your wrist held with shame
So you forgot
But I never will
Bc I still love you even after all the tears
Fall to the ground and puddle
Right beside the stains of blood
I still remember your smile
Forced onto your sculpted face
Yet plastered so awkwardly
It couldn't fool a blind man
I still remember the walks on the beach
Where we would play hop scotch
To avoid the jellyfish
I still remember your tailored blouses
Left on my bedroom floor
Scared we would get caught
I still remember running away from you
When I love you was so foreign
It pierced my soul quicker than any arrow
I still remember our last phone call
Where you whispered goodbye
Then dropped the phone
I still remember my screams
My pleads to a god I once trusted
Please don't die on me
Please be alive when I get there
Please dear god please keep her here with me
Yet you were 3/4s past saving
Bleeding into my arms
Staining my new t-shirt
Mascara dripping from your chin
Nothing I could do but watch you fade
I still remember every waking moment
Fighting to believe you were gone
Yet you forgot
You just wished yourself away
Into another galaxy far from me
On the tip of that razor blade
I'll always remember you
While you forget about us

You asked me if I remembered you
Like I forgot you
I still have our conversations from a year ago
Your picture still in my phone
Name drawn to perfection
Still in the back of my binder
How could I forget you
Could I ever?
I was your vault to so many secrets
Things I even forgot
But I remember you telling me
"Can I tell you a secret?"
You trusted me when not many others did
I guess you just faded
We both did
I'm not the guy you used to know
Always writing poetry that made sense
Having the talent to actually tell you how you feel
I guess I'm not worried about forgetting you
Your a permanent reminder of who I used to be
The guy you could talk to for any reason
The guy miles away you never met
Just knew could put a smile on your face
Even when things at home seemed unbearable
I wonder if you remember me as that guy
Or wonder who I am now
An alcoholic? Pothead? Homeless freak going nowhere?
Guess I'm a little of all the above
Could I forget you was the question
No I could never
Could you forget me?
If not tell me who I was
Maybe I can be that guy one more time

I've poured my heart and soul
Into puddles before your feet
Told you in secrecy I loved you
Like a villain I roam these streets
Foraging for an existence
I can call my own
Yet all I've ever found was heartache
And even more broken glass
To fill the lost fragments of my chest
I just want to be acknowledged
Told I was loved
Even if you didn't
I told you countless times
I would always be there
Yet you vanished from my arms
Like smoke to lungs
I hope your happy now
Deep in the arms of a man
Who only loves what lays between your thighs
I maybe mad
But never once was I stupid
I know the look in a desperate mans eyes
When ***** doesn't come cheap
And your so willing
To think he loves you the same

On life
On this world
Maybe dark and twisted
But his view on his work
Is utter awe that it captures an emotion

He gives it all he has
And at the end of the day
He can rest his head
Knowing that his poetry
Reflects on someones life

He has no fear of death
Instead he waits for her to come
He grows older
With every breath he takes
Yet he continues his work

A poets view
Is complicated
No one knows it
They will never understand
For they never read his work

He's a man with honor
He loves a woman
Who may never love him
The same way he loves her
Yet he continues his work

His words flow on paper
Like the mighty currents
Of the never ending sea
A poets view
Is strong and wide

He's happy with his work
He married it a long time ago
He gave it his all
And now he rest at night
With a smile on his face

A poets view
Will never be seen
By the average person
They can only capture a glimpse
At how he looks at everything

Their unexpected errors
Their beautiful sights
But for one split second
Their your biography

Lifes final moments
Wait for no one
And when their done
So are you

Their epic dreams
Their riveting sounds
But for one split second
Their what sets you apart

Lifes final moments
Come in all fatal times
In a dying persons eyes
And the truth to their lies

You found me in dark corners
Hiding from the world
Displaced by my hatred and anger
Coped with my pain
And slithered your way into my walls
You gave me a chance
Loved me when nobody else did
Held me when the world was ending
Dragged me out of the oceans
Of blood that came from my wrist
You were my lifeguard
Saved my drowning soul
You never gave up on me
Even when I did
But I gave up on you
Only because it seemed unreal
Happiness was the only thing
I tasted on your lips
Joy I found when I stared in your eyes
Love I heard when I listened to your voice
Life inches away from my ears
When I layed on your chest
But I couldn't believe it
I never felt this
And my biggest regret
Is pushing you away

The scars from decades
Of battling depression
Wars with myself
For the littlest things
But this New Year
I still haven't found
Anything to believe in
There is no hope for me
For there are no more
Words left to say
This book of life
I have been writing
Finally ends
2013
Almost 17 years
And it finally ends
Did I make myself
Suffer this long
Or was it
The constant knowledge
Of a mother
Who abandoned me so young
The constant reminder
From a father
Only home for the weekends
The constant memory
Of a love
That would of never worked
The constant flashbacks
Of times that never happened
Im sick of the constant "what if's"
Im ready to let go
But not the way
So many people want
2013
And its finally over
This story has an ending
Sure it might not be happy
But its an ending
Good enough for me