i want the ability
to say things that are on my mind.
not just random thoughts or small talk.
i want to say the things that i actually think about.

i want to be able to say how i'm scared
that i'm going insane and i don't even
know it, but even if i did, there is nothing i
could do to stop it.

i want to be able to say how i don't believe
that eternal love exists because no matter
what, there will be a point where you are
torn apart by the things that brought you together.

i want to say that sometimes i cry because i feel
so lost all the time and i don't feel like anyone
can understand that the way i do, because i just
feel alone all the time.

i want to say i think it's ******* that we have to
spend so much of the little time we have
doing things that we hate and the only
response to that is "that's how the world works."

i want to be able to say that my family is
falling apart and that is tearing me apart and it
drives me insane that the rest of the world can go on
exactly the same while my world falls apart.

i want to say how i feel about people.
how i really feel. no *******. just honesty
and have them say how they feel about
me so i don't have to always wonder.

i want to say that i wish i was in love.
that i wish i wasn't scared to fall in love and let
someone in and scare them away by these
thoughts that control my mind.

i want to be able to say all of this
instead of having to write all of it
down in a poem that no one will
ever know about.

its hard to believe in
something like love
when you watch the
people closest to you
fall further and further
out of it
every day.

i wonder if i ever catch your eye
when i put makeup on and really try
do you ever look at me
and just love what you see?

do you smile after you see me walk by?
do you hope that i'll never cry?
i wonder because when i think of you
i'm thinking of all these things too

i think about how you smell like rain
you and your smile are always on my brain
after i see you and you stop and wave
it makes me unbelievably happy, your attention is all i crave

i think about if you came over to my place
it makes me blush and my heart starts to race
it drives me crazy how much i think of you
i wonder if you ever think of me too.

lately i've been
dreaming about you
a lot.
every time
i close my eyes
i see yours.

the thing about love
is you don't realize
until you do.

and once you do
it's all you do.

i knew right after it happened.
i felt my heart swell and grow inside my chest.
my cheeks burned hot
and my mind went blank.
there was no mistaking this feeling.

i hadn’t felt it in a while
i kind of hoped i never would again.
but you changed that with one look.
my hands got clammy
and my stomach did backflips.

and once it starts
there is no stopping it.
not until it ran its course.
i wonder if you realize
just how sick you made me.

i found a penny on the ground
yesterday at eight.
the night was quiet, no sound
as i took the bait.

i picked it up and said
"it must be my lucky day"
the confidence got to my head
as i went on my way.

i saw that boy, my crush
and he looked at me and waved.
i felt my cheeks start to blush
and that moment i saved.

i got home and saw my test
was finally graded online
i looked and saw i did the best
i had ever done. the "a" was all mine.

my friend called to tell me
she got tickets to my favorite band.
i smiled and screamed with glee.
then giggled and covered my mouth with my hand.

i couldn't believe what my lucky penny did for me.
a good day like this was so rare.
i was surprised when i checked my pocket to see
the penny was never there.

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                                                              ­                                              i can't

im thinking of you
that’s nothing new
i hope you smile
i haven’t seen it in a while

i hope you are having fun
without you i have none
i hope you sleep well
because you make my heart swell

i know i was dumb to fall
but most of all
i hope you’re okay
now and everyday.

i was stupid
to be so naïve
and think
that i was different.
because you don’t
care.

we all hurt the same to you.

It never rained when we were together.
I realized this morning, when I woke up to the sound
Of soft raindrops splashing against my window.

I don't recall a time
When I would wake up to that gray, gloomy sky
While I was lying with you.

A day filled with sunshine
Has always been my favorite.
Warmth, light, and life fills the air.

But I realized that sunshine can be deceptive.
Hiding the burns, the exhaustion, and the pain
That screams for a change.

I lay back down and listen to the rain
The rhythmic water providing a fresh start
And I've never heard a more beautiful sound.

when i was little
i never even questioned love or if i would ever find it.
every princess always ended up with the prince
every story a happy ending.
now im questioning if
love even exists.

its been 24 hours
thinking of you
nonstop.
i know i should try not to
because i’m going to
end up hurt.
but i just can’t
so we’ll go 24 more.

Recently I haven't been able to sleep.
There's no sound
not even a peep.
Except for that memory I found
deep in my mind, where it keeps
me up. It keeps me bound
to that moment and slowly seeps
out and my head begins to pound.
I slowly begin to weep
as I fall to the ground.

how are you supposed to feel
when you get
the worst news
and the best news
in the span of
five minutes

sometimes
i try to forget about all the bad things inside my head
and i focus solely on one thing
like sports or work or music

but then
when my team loses
or my shift is over
or the song ends
i break down
and i cry
and cry
and no one understands why

but that was all i had
that was the only thing keeping me standing

the stupid smile
that lands on my face
at the mere thought of you
i wish i could control it
and tell it to stop
but only you could
do that.

people always tell
you that you should be
optimistic. never yell;
wait and see;

good things come
to those who wait;
you are only dumb
if you do nothing but hate.

cliches we've all heard
that are supposed to make
us feel better. the words
that are supposedly "all it takes".

but positive thinking leads you on
and can only result in
disappointment. gone
are the days where optimism wins.

looking back on pictures
the memories and moments
i swore I’d never forget.
all gone, all distant.

i smile when looking,
remembering the events of the day
or the time in my life
the picture took place.

but i don’t remember the joke that was told
that caused us to laugh hysterically
until we cried
and retold the joke for the next week.

i don’t remember the emotions i felt
moments before the photo
that i’m sure weighed on me
that entire day or week.

i can’t recall the song
we were singing and dancing to,
screaming at the top of our lungs
as the flash went off.

i'm not sure how long it took
for us to arrive at the destination,
or who complained the most
on the drive back home.

i wish I could capture everything from those days,
from those moments we already lost.
because now all i have is the cover of the book.
but when opened, there is no story to be told.

through thin and thick
you've always been there
so now, when i find out you're sick
it seems to be more than i can bear

you say everything will be fine
but i know you're just trying to be strong
thinking of others feelings, especially mine
i'm hoping that you are not wrong

please, just be okay
it's all that i ask of you
i wish there was something i could say
i wish there was something i could do

it ***** not to be there
it hurts me in every way
it *****, it really isn't fair
but please. just be okay.

pride.

it’s important.
at least i tell myself that.

i’ve always had
too much of it though.
and that’s why i
pushed you
and everyone else
away.

he was a raindrop
that ran down your windshield
beautiful, but elusive
always in a hurry
and gone too soon

that fire
it burns deep down
lighting up your desire
all over town.

you gave me a flower
i remember the one you chose,
it made me feel power,
that beautiful rose.

the apple of my eye.
at least that’s what i thought
before you said goodbye,
but i remember the warmth you brought.

it makes me feel sick
that cherry flavor taste,
though it is not the chapstick;
it’s because my love went to waste.

now i see the blood drip
from my heart and into your hand.
it matches that color on your lip.
i have no feet left to stand.

i’m still trying to figure out how
i ate the lies you once fed.
you can take back your rose now.
i hate the color red.

today i walked outside
i was walking around for a while
when i arrived at high tide
i had walked to the ocean, about a mile.

i saw a girl crying down by the sea
she tried to hold them in but the tears streamed down
and i tried to be as quiet as could be
as i walked closer, each tear enough to drown

i approached her and tried to ask "what's wrong?"
but the closer i got the clearer i could see
this girl who's face was tear stained and expression was long
was a reflection in the water, and finally i realized the girl was me.

i'm tired of telling myself
"it will get better"
because i'm starting to live for the future
while the present just washes by
and i don't want to look back
and wish i just lived in the moment

i have been searching
for days and days now
i have been looking for
something i cannot find.
i've read hundreds of poems
listened to hours of songs
watched countless movies
all hoping that i could find it.

it’s pointless, really.
because none of them
have what i’m looking for.
not even my own words can
describe what my heart feels
at this moment.
the only thing that can
is your smile.

your smile
reminds me of seashell.

it’s pretty
beautiful, actually.
you may think
it looks like every other seashell  
but it doesn’t.
your seashell is special.

i want to keep it
all to myself.
but i know it’s selfish to
find a beautiful seashell
and take it, keeping it
locked up on a shelf.

it makes me feel
like i’m home.
that seashell reminds
me of all the times
i’ve spent in the place
i love the most.

but when you look
inside
it’s completely hollow.
there’s nothing behind
that seashell.
it’s sad just how empty it is.

do you ever feel
like you messed something up so bad
that for a minute it doesn't feel real
but then you remember the feeling you just had
you hurt someone in a way they can't heal
and you can tell they're very sad
and you really wish you didn't have to deal
with yourself because you're too mad

it *****
not being with you
and everyday
i have to tell myself
to move on


hopefully one day
i will

you were with her
the night we kissed.
you two were together
and I knew it too.

i don’t know what I expected
maybe for you to realize how
we were better together
and that we could be happy.

i thought about that kiss
for days, weeks,
months after it happened.
but I know you never did.