i hope you're not mad at me
i see your disappointment when i close my eyes
i hope one day you'll see
and maybe then we can stop with all of the goodbyes

sometimes when
i listen to love songs
i think of you




okay i lied

i always think of you

i left home
or at least the place i'd always called home
it's been almost 6 months
i love the place i'm in right now
but somethings missing
i don't know what it is
but i know there's something that's just not there
and now i don't belong where i came from
and i don't belong here.

every time i try to fix something
i either make it worse
or create a different mess
i dont know if its me
or the world
but something isnt right

the way you say hello
makes me yellow
your cheesy grin and wink
make me feel so pink

my heart that you steal
it feels like teal
i swear it should be a crime
the way you make me feel lime

how you make me swoon
feels like maroon
and your hand i get to hold
makes me feel like gold

but talking to you
can make me feel so blue
the words that you said
burn, bright red

what I’ve just seen
makes me green
seeing you in this light,
has turned me to white

when you left that day
it made me gray
i wish you’d come back
because now all I feel is black.

everything i touch
everywhere i go
everything i do
i ruin it all.

keys
homework
wallet
studying
phone
plan ahead
cherish the moment
good memories
what life used to be like
the smell of your jacket
happiness
you
us

i want the ability
to say things that are on my mind.
not just random thoughts or small talk.
i want to say the things that i actually think about.

i want to be able to say how i'm scared
that i'm going insane and i don't even
know it, but even if i did, there is nothing i
could do to stop it.

i want to be able to say how i don't believe
that eternal love exists because no matter
what, there will be a point where you are
torn apart by the things that brought you together.

i want to say that sometimes i cry because i feel
so lost all the time and i don't feel like anyone
can understand that the way i do, because i just
feel alone all the time.

i want to say i think it's ******* that we have to
spend so much of the little time we have
doing things that we hate and the only
response to that is "that's how the world works."

i want to be able to say that my family is
falling apart and that is tearing me apart and it
drives me insane that the rest of the world can go on
exactly the same while my world falls apart.

i want to say how i feel about people.
how i really feel. no *******. just honesty
and have them say how they feel about
me so i don't have to always wonder.

i want to say that i wish i was in love.
that i wish i wasn't scared to fall in love and let
someone in and scare them away by these
thoughts that control my mind.

i want to be able to say all of this
instead of having to write all of it
down in a poem that no one will
ever know about.

what do i have to do
to be the one you want?
should i buy something new
and wear it just to flaunt?

should i write you a song
and sing it outside your door?
i'll sing it all night long
until i can sing no more.

should i buy you some food
from your favorite place?
will that put you in a good mood
and put a smile on your face?

should i take you out to dance?
we could dress up real nice.
i'll show you that romance
will come at no price.

should i just tell you
how i feel?
the thing i'm most afraid to do.
but i want you to know my feelings are real.

so please, just tell me
what i have to do
i promise, you will see
i'll do anything for you.

seeing you
makes everyday
the best day ever

i don't blAme you
for wanting to do
things without me

lateLy it's just
that when yOu're
goNe
i havE nobody.

i used to be the girl with brown hair

i smiled a lot
i mean, why not?
that's what i thought.

i used to be the girl with blonde hair

blondes have more fun
everyday i got my nails done
and always felt like i won

i used to be the girl with black hair

i started feeling sad
for some reason my thoughts became bad
and i missed the old feelings i had

i used to be the girl with brown hair

i changed it back
no longer blonde or black
but happiness, i still lack

i am the girl with purple hair

when people see me they stare
they think i did it on a dare
they don't know how rare
happiness is for me, they can't compare
all they see is my purple hair

i felt it immediately

my jaw dropped
my hands froze
my heart sank

i had been in denial for days
saying that it couldn't be true
you could never hurt me like that

i feel so dumb
thinking of how oblivious i was
how safe i thought we were

because at 8:04 pm
you broke my heart

i wonder if i ever catch your eye
when i put makeup on and really try
do you ever look at me
and just love what you see?

do you smile after you see me walk by?
do you hope that i'll never cry?
i wonder because when i think of you
i'm thinking of all these things too

i think about how you smell like rain
you and your smile are always on my brain
after i see you and you stop and wave
it makes me unbelievably happy, your attention is all i crave

i think about if you came over to my place
it makes me blush and my heart starts to race
it drives me crazy how much i think of you
i wonder if you ever think of me too.

it's easy to tell yourself
that you don't need something
or someone.
it's hard to actually believe
that you don't.

i wished you saw me.
the way i saw you.
and i couldn’t believe you didn’t see
how it hurt, how you turned me blue
but my love was always true.

the way you laughed, the way you talked
was music to my ears.
even small things, like the way you walked
made me feel as if I could conquer all my fears,
but now all of it brings me to tears.

because you didn’t feel that way
you never looked at me the same
you rolled your eyes at everything I would say,
my voice was loud, my shoes were lame,
and i was always to blame.

i tried to fight
for us, because i cared
but you always had to be right.
you just could not have bared  
a compromise, we could have never shared.

i cried when i told you that
i couldn’t do it anymore.
i looked where you sat
and realized you walked out the door
and you left me and my heart on the floor.

it took me too long
to look back and see
i did what i could, you were in the wrong
i smile as i realize i am finally free
because now i know it was you, not me.

do you know that feeling
where you can feel the tears
coming up your throat
begging to come out
and you do everything you can
to keep it in
but you just can't.
they start slow but
build fast and you try not to make a sound
but you do.

sometimes
i try to forget about all the bad things inside my head
and i focus solely on one thing
like sports or work or music

but then
when my team loses
or my shift is over
or the song ends
i break down
and i cry
and cry
and no one understands why

but that was all i had
that was the only thing keeping me standing

I wished upon a star
last night, when I should’ve been asleep
I wished to be where you are
and for your heart, for me to keep

but when I awoke
you were not around
a few tears I had to choke
at the disappointment I found

so on night number two
I wished on the moon
I said I would do anything I had to do
for you to get here soon

you can imagine my dread
after a week without you
you’re still in my head
but my wish still hasn’t come true

so I decided to wish upon the sun
maybe that’s what I need
I said “please grant my wish, I only have one”
and for another hour I continued my plead

I couldn’t believe when
the next day, there you were!
but someone else must’ve been
wishing, because you were with her.

i was stupid
to be so naïve
and think
that i was different.
because you don’t
care.

we all hurt the same to you.

i should be sleeping
it's 2:52
i shouldn't be weeping
or thinking of you

i can't help it
though i wish that i could
so here i sit
and i wish that you would

come over and tell me
you can't believe you didn't see it before
you realized how happy we could be
we'll have everything and more

but that's all in my head
i'm far too late
i lay back in my bed
and try to fall asleep at 2:58

Dear mom

I know by know you're wondering
why i haven't called.
I know you probably think
its because I forgot or don't care
about you enough.

That isn't why. I've just
been going through some stuff
lately and I don't want you to worry
and I know that if I hear your voice
I will break.

I need a break from home and
our family and all of the ****
that has happened within the past year. I wish
things could be the same as they used to be.
One thing that will never change is that I love you.
I just need space and
I think 700 miles should do the trick.

I'll talk to you soon.

the stupid smile
that lands on my face
at the mere thought of you
i wish i could control it
and tell it to stop
but only you could
do that.

i sat today thinking about time
and how it changes
and makes the rest of it change
along with it.
how selfish, i thought
at first. the fact that
time feels the need to bring
the rest of us with it as
it leaves one state and
becomes another.
then i realized time just
doesn't want to be the only one
who has to change
every day.
hour.
minute.
and while change can be bad.
it can also be good.

I used to think we’d end up together.
That day I kissed you
And you kissed me back.
When we were in the ocean
And you pulled me closer.
That night we held hands
And you smiled at me and I thought I saw forever.

I knew you had a girlfriend.
I knew you had been together for two years.
I knew you didn’t think we’d end up together.
I knew you didn’t see me that way.
I knew it was just for that week.

but you let me believe that we’d end up together.
i saw you with your girlfriend last week
and i felt my heart
fall from its place in my chest
onto the ground.
i forced a smile when i approached you
but i left as soon as i could
because i let myself fall for you.

i met another boy the other day.
he likes me and he’s cute and he’s sweet.
i kissed him like i kissed you that day.
the day when I thought we’d end up together.

i'm a prisoner, held captive
everyday the same routine
dreaded to this fate that i have to live
since the day that i turned fifteen

no i'm not in jail
my prison cell is not something that can be seen
there isn't an amount of money that can pay my bail
realized that when i was sixteen

people ask me whats wrong
why i always look so mean
they said i needed to appreciate it because it won't be long
until i'm no longer seventeen

they don't understand how i feel
they think its just a lack of sleep, that i need some caffeine.
they don't get it, don't think it's real
i completely fade away, at the age of eighteen.

lately i've been
dreaming about you
a lot.
every time
i close my eyes
i see yours.

isn't it weird
how you can be in a room
full of people
and feel utterly
and completely
alone

i hope that you’re happy
i hope you laugh everyday
i know this sounds sappy
since we’ve gone our separate ways

but i want you to smile
even brighter than before
i know it’s been a while
since i walked out that door

i hope you realize now
that it wasn’t meant to be
i hope you know how
it wasn’t easy for me

the truth is i miss you
i honestly really do
i’ll always love you too
but we both needed something new.

i can't describe how i feel
i'm not good at being vulnerable
i'm not good at being real

i think of myself as an act
saying only what's necessary
and knowing when to retract

i can't let my guard down
so you'll only see my character
and heavy is the head that wears the crown

but i need to protect me
i'm the only one who will
in this life, there is no "we"

so feel free to come watch my performance
just don't say i didn't warn you
when the curtain inevitably closes

I've never said those words out loud.
I've never felt those words, not truly.
But once they were spoken, they couldn't come back.
And those words were true when they left my mouth.

I knew you didn't feel the same way.
I knew that saying those words wouldn't change anything.
We both knew from the beginning
this wasn't a good idea.

If I hadn't spoken those words
Would I feel any better when I watched you leave?
Replaying over and over how I feel
I don't regret anything.

looking back on pictures
the memories and moments
i swore I’d never forget.
all gone, all distant.

i smile when looking,
remembering the events of the day
or the time in my life
the picture took place.

but i don’t remember the joke that was told
that caused us to laugh hysterically
until we cried
and retold the joke for the next week.

i don’t remember the emotions i felt
moments before the photo
that i’m sure weighed on me
that entire day or week.

i can’t recall the song
we were singing and dancing to,
screaming at the top of our lungs
as the flash went off.

i'm not sure how long it took
for us to arrive at the destination,
or who complained the most
on the drive back home.

i wish I could capture everything from those days,
from those moments we already lost.
because now all i have is the cover of the book.
but when opened, there is no story to be told.

It never rained when we were together.
I realized this morning, when I woke up to the sound
Of soft raindrops splashing against my window.

I don't recall a time
When I would wake up to that gray, gloomy sky
While I was lying with you.

A day filled with sunshine
Has always been my favorite.
Warmth, light, and life fills the air.

But I realized that sunshine can be deceptive.
Hiding the burns, the exhaustion, and the pain
That screams for a change.

I lay back down and listen to the rain
The rhythmic water providing a fresh start
And I've never heard a more beautiful sound.

it *****
not being with you
and everyday
i have to tell myself
to move on


hopefully one day
i will

you were with her
the night we kissed.
you two were together
and I knew it too.

i don’t know what I expected
maybe for you to realize how
we were better together
and that we could be happy.

i thought about that kiss
for days, weeks,
months after it happened.
but I know you never did.

one day it will happen


we'll share our last conversation
we'll laugh together one more time
we'll sit in a comfortable silence
we'll look to each other and smile

we'll get in one last fight
we'll say things we wish we never did
we'll storm away to be alone
we'll wait for the other to be the first to apologize

we'll cry to each other for the final time
we'll try to provide the support that we need
we'll hurt at the thought of each other in pain
we'll wish we could take it away

we'll look into each others eyes for the last time
we'll remember everything we've been through
we'll feel like it wasn't enough time
we'll hold on to each other forever


one day it will be the last