i don't blAme you
for wanting to do
things without me

lateLy it's just
that when yOu're
goNe
i havE nobody.

i found a penny on the ground
yesterday at eight.
the night was quiet, no sound
as i took the bait.

i picked it up and said
"it must be my lucky day"
the confidence got to my head
as i went on my way.

i saw that boy, my crush
and he looked at me and waved.
i felt my cheeks start to blush
and that moment i saved.

i got home and saw my test
was finally graded online
i looked and saw i did the best
i had ever done. the "a" was all mine.

my friend called to tell me
she got tickets to my favorite band.
i smiled and screamed with glee.
then giggled and covered my mouth with my hand.

i couldn't believe what my lucky penny did for me.
a good day like this was so rare.
i was surprised when i checked my pocket to see
the penny was never there.

i was stupid
to be so naïve
and think
that i was different.
because you don’t
care.

we all hurt the same to you.

it's easy to tell yourself
that you don't need something
or someone.
it's hard to actually believe
that you don't.

How can i live
Unpunished and full of
Regret after what i did
To

YOU?

i hope you're not mad at me
i see your disappointment when i close my eyes
i hope one day you'll see
and maybe then we can stop with all of the goodbyes

im no cynic
but sometimes i
really do wonder
if love can really
last a lifetime

i'm trying to better myself.
sometimes it makes me feel great.
i think of all the things i'm going
to accomplish and do to make
me a better version of me.

but other times i get really down
and i can't find the motivation to
do anything. anything at all.
i feel useless and sad and dumb.
and i start from square one
all over again.

i can't describe how i feel
i'm not good at being vulnerable
i'm not good at being real

i think of myself as an act
saying only what's necessary
and knowing when to retract

i can't let my guard down
so you'll only see my character
and heavy is the head that wears the crown

but i need to protect me
i'm the only one who will
in this life, there is no "we"

so feel free to come watch my performance
just don't say i didn't warn you
when the curtain inevitably closes

the feeling you get when
you wake up really early
and drive with you friends
to the water to watch
the sunrise
and even though you woke up
at 4:30 am
you are not tired
because at the moment
all is good

I wished upon a star
last night, when I should’ve been asleep
I wished to be where you are
and for your heart, for me to keep

but when I awoke
you were not around
a few tears I had to choke
at the disappointment I found

so on night number two
I wished on the moon
I said I would do anything I had to do
for you to get here soon

you can imagine my dread
after a week without you
you’re still in my head
but my wish still hasn’t come true

so I decided to wish upon the sun
maybe that’s what I need
I said “please grant my wish, I only have one”
and for another hour I continued my plead

I couldn’t believe when
the next day, there you were!
but someone else must’ve been
wishing, because you were with her.

i wished you saw me.
the way i saw you.
and i couldn’t believe you didn’t see
how it hurt, how you turned me blue
but my love was always true.

the way you laughed, the way you talked
was music to my ears.
even small things, like the way you walked
made me feel as if I could conquer all my fears,
but now all of it brings me to tears.

because you didn’t feel that way
you never looked at me the same
you rolled your eyes at everything I would say,
my voice was loud, my shoes were lame,
and i was always to blame.

i tried to fight
for us, because i cared
but you always had to be right.
you just could not have bared  
a compromise, we could have never shared.

i cried when i told you that
i couldn’t do it anymore.
i looked where you sat
and realized you walked out the door
and you left me and my heart on the floor.

it took me too long
to look back and see
i did what i could, you were in the wrong
i smile as i realize i am finally free
because now i know it was you, not me.

do you know that feeling
where you can feel the tears
coming up your throat
begging to come out
and you do everything you can
to keep it in
but you just can't.
they start slow but
build fast and you try not to make a sound
but you do.

sometimes when
i listen to love songs
i think of you




okay i lied

i always think of you

everything i touch
everywhere i go
everything i do
i ruin it all.

i left home
or at least the place i'd always called home
it's been almost 6 months
i love the place i'm in right now
but somethings missing
i don't know what it is
but i know there's something that's just not there
and now i don't belong where i came from
and i don't belong here.

Dear mom

I know by know you're wondering
why i haven't called.
I know you probably think
its because I forgot or don't care
about you enough.

That isn't why. I've just
been going through some stuff
lately and I don't want you to worry
and I know that if I hear your voice
I will break.

I need a break from home and
our family and all of the ****
that has happened within the past year. I wish
things could be the same as they used to be.
One thing that will never change is that I love you.
I just need space and
I think 700 miles should do the trick.

I'll talk to you soon.

i should be sleeping
it's 2:52
i shouldn't be weeping
or thinking of you

i can't help it
though i wish that i could
so here i sit
and i wish that you would

come over and tell me
you can't believe you didn't see it before
you realized how happy we could be
we'll have everything and more

but that's all in my head
i'm far too late
i lay back in my bed
and try to fall asleep at 2:58

i felt it immediately

my jaw dropped
my hands froze
my heart sank

i had been in denial for days
saying that it couldn't be true
you could never hurt me like that

i feel so dumb
thinking of how oblivious i was
how safe i thought we were

because at 8:04 pm
you broke my heart

i used to be the girl with brown hair

i smiled a lot
i mean, why not?
that's what i thought.

i used to be the girl with blonde hair

blondes have more fun
everyday i got my nails done
and always felt like i won

i used to be the girl with black hair

i started feeling sad
for some reason my thoughts became bad
and i missed the old feelings i had

i used to be the girl with brown hair

i changed it back
no longer blonde or black
but happiness, i still lack

i am the girl with purple hair

when people see me they stare
they think i did it on a dare
they don't know how rare
happiness is for me, they can't compare
all they see is my purple hair

it’s unfair, really.  
to expect someone to read a book
without being able to open it.
to understand the characters and the plot
without reading a single word.

all this time
i thought i was helping
by keeping that book closed
and holding it out of anyone’s reach.

but i didn’t help.  
now my story doesn’t have an end.

what do i have to do
to be the one you want?
should i buy something new
and wear it just to flaunt?

should i write you a song
and sing it outside your door?
i'll sing it all night long
until i can sing no more.

should i buy you some food
from your favorite place?
will that put you in a good mood
and put a smile on your face?

should i take you out to dance?
we could dress up real nice.
i'll show you that romance
will come at no price.

should i just tell you
how i feel?
the thing i'm most afraid to do.
but i want you to know my feelings are real.

so please, just tell me
what i have to do
i promise, you will see
i'll do anything for you.

he was a raindrop
that ran down your windshield
beautiful, but elusive
always in a hurry
and gone too soon

the stupid smile
that lands on my face
at the mere thought of you
i wish i could control it
and tell it to stop
but only you could
do that.

seeing you
makes everyday
the best day ever

every time i try to fix something
i either make it worse
or create a different mess
i dont know if its me
or the world
but something isnt right

keys
homework
wallet
studying
phone
plan ahead
cherish the moment
good memories
what life used to be like
the smell of your jacket
happiness
you
us

sometimes
i try to forget about all the bad things inside my head
and i focus solely on one thing
like sports or work or music

but then
when my team loses
or my shift is over
or the song ends
i break down
and i cry
and cry
and no one understands why

but that was all i had
that was the only thing keeping me standing

it’s funny
in a twisted way
when you finally realize
that you’re not fine
and that you have been lying.

lying to your friends
putting on a smile
pushing down that feeling
hoping that by ignoring it
it might actually leave.

lying to your family
the people who can see
something is wrong.
but no one can help
if you don’t help yourself.  

worst of all
lying to yourself
thinking that you could trick yourself
into believing those words.
but you can’t.

i wonder if i ever catch your eye
when i put makeup on and really try
do you ever look at me
and just love what you see?

do you smile after you see me walk by?
do you hope that i'll never cry?
i wonder because when i think of you
i'm thinking of all these things too

i think about how you smell like rain
you and your smile are always on my brain
after i see you and you stop and wave
it makes me unbelievably happy, your attention is all i crave

i think about if you came over to my place
it makes me blush and my heart starts to race
it drives me crazy how much i think of you
i wonder if you ever think of me too.

i want the ability
to say things that are on my mind.
not just random thoughts or small talk.
i want to say the things that i actually think about.

i want to be able to say how i'm scared
that i'm going insane and i don't even
know it, but even if i did, there is nothing i
could do to stop it.

i want to be able to say how i don't believe
that eternal love exists because no matter
what, there will be a point where you are
torn apart by the things that brought you together.

i want to say that sometimes i cry because i feel
so lost all the time and i don't feel like anyone
can understand that the way i do, because i just
feel alone all the time.

i want to say i think it's ******* that we have to
spend so much of the little time we have
doing things that we hate and the only
response to that is "that's how the world works."

i want to be able to say that my family is
falling apart and that is tearing me apart and it
drives me insane that the rest of the world can go on
exactly the same while my world falls apart.

i want to say how i feel about people.
how i really feel. no *******. just honesty
and have them say how they feel about
me so i don't have to always wonder.

i want to say that i wish i was in love.
that i wish i wasn't scared to fall in love and let
someone in and scare them away by these
thoughts that control my mind.

i want to be able to say all of this
instead of having to write all of it
down in a poem that no one will
ever know about.