looking back on pictures
the memories and moments
i swore I’d never forget.
all gone, all distant.

i smile when looking,
remembering the events of the day
or the time in my life
the picture took place.

but i don’t remember the joke that was told
that caused us to laugh hysterically
until we cried
and retold the joke for the next week.

i don’t remember the emotions i felt
moments before the photo
that i’m sure weighed on me
that entire day or week.

i can’t recall the song
we were singing and dancing to,
screaming at the top of our lungs
as the flash went off.

i'm not sure how long it took
for us to arrive at the destination,
or who complained the most
on the drive back home.

i wish I could capture everything from those days,
from those moments we already lost.
because now all i have is the cover of the book.
but when opened, there is no story to be told.

you were with her
the night we kissed.
you two were together
and I knew it too.

i don’t know what I expected
maybe for you to realize how
we were better together
and that we could be happy.

i thought about that kiss
for days, weeks,
months after it happened.
but I know you never did.

it’s the kind of smile
that hurts.
you know the one,
the painful yet
unavoidable one.

that inevitable feeling.
just smile through the pain.

it *****
not being with you
and everyday
i have to tell myself
to move on


hopefully one day
i will

you turned your poison
and treacherous thoughts
into a part of me
that i can’t get rid of.

that fire
it burns deep down
lighting up your desire
all over town.

you gave me a flower
i remember the one you chose,
it made me feel power,
that beautiful rose.

the apple of my eye.
at least that’s what i thought
before you said goodbye,
but i remember the warmth you brought.

it makes me feel sick
that cherry flavor taste,
though it is not the chapstick;
it’s because my love went to waste.

now i see the blood drip
from my heart and into your hand.
it matches that color on your lip.
i have no feet left to stand.

i’m still trying to figure out how
i ate the lies you once fed.
you can take back your rose now.
i hate the color red.

it’s unfair, really.  
to expect someone to read a book
without being able to open it.
to understand the characters and the plot
without reading a single word.

all this time
i thought i was helping
by keeping that book closed
and holding it out of anyone’s reach.

but i didn’t help.  
now my story doesn’t have an end.

it hurts
more than usual
when the one
who’s supposed to love you
unconditionally
tells you
their conditions

it’s funny
in a twisted way
when you finally realize
that you’re not fine
and that you have been lying.

lying to your friends
putting on a smile
pushing down that feeling
hoping that by ignoring it
it might actually leave.

lying to your family
the people who can see
something is wrong.
but no one can help
if you don’t help yourself.  

worst of all
lying to yourself
thinking that you could trick yourself
into believing those words.
but you can’t.

im thinking of you
that’s nothing new
i hope you smile
i haven’t seen it in a while

i hope you are having fun
without you i have none
i hope you sleep well
because you make my heart swell

i know i was dumb to fall
but most of all
i hope you’re okay
now and everyday.

she's outgoing and loud
yet completely reserved
she draws people in
but won’t go near them
she’s intelligent and witty
yet stupid and frustrating
she is authentic and real
but incredibly insecure
she’s honest and tough
but she is also really sensitive.

she is everything she loves
but she’s also everything she hates.

people always tell
you that you should be
optimistic. never yell;
wait and see;

good things come
to those who wait;
you are only dumb
if you do nothing but hate.

cliches we've all heard
that are supposed to make
us feel better. the words
that are supposedly "all it takes".

but positive thinking leads you on
and can only result in
disappointment. gone
are the days where optimism wins.

its been 24 hours
thinking of you
nonstop.
i know i should try not to
because i’m going to
end up hurt.
but i just can’t
so we’ll go 24 more.

through thin and thick
you've always been there
so now, when i find out you're sick
it seems to be more than i can bear

you say everything will be fine
but i know you're just trying to be strong
thinking of others feelings, especially mine
i'm hoping that you are not wrong

please, just be okay
it's all that i ask of you
i wish there was something i could say
i wish there was something i could do

it ***** not to be there
it hurts me in every way
it *****, it really isn't fair
but please. just be okay.

pride.

it’s important.
at least i tell myself that.

i’ve always had
too much of it though.
and that’s why i
pushed you
and everyone else
away.

I can’t believe
how stupid I’ve been.
Everyone told me
to stay clear and
that the only one
you cared about
was yourself.

I said I knew
they were all wrong,
it’s different with me.
But I was wrong.
They were all right.
You didn’t
and you don’t
care about anything
but yourself.

i knew right after it happened.
i felt my heart swell and grow inside my chest.
my cheeks burned hot
and my mind went blank.
there was no mistaking this feeling.

i hadn’t felt it in a while
i kind of hoped i never would again.
but you changed that with one look.
my hands got clammy
and my stomach did backflips.

and once it starts
there is no stopping it.
not until it ran its course.
i wonder if you realize
just how sick you made me.

i have been searching
for days and days now
i have been looking for
something i cannot find.
i've read hundreds of poems
listened to hours of songs
watched countless movies
all hoping that i could find it.

it’s pointless, really.
because none of them
have what i’m looking for.
not even my own words can
describe what my heart feels
at this moment.
the only thing that can
is your smile.