i love the you no one gets to see.
don't get me wrong, you're beautiful all the time.
but i love seeing your shield shatter.

i think jensen and i have a whirlwind of fuckedupness.
he is a boy and i am a ?????
but because we are both perceived as females,
in the ******* state,
we can get kicked out of stores.
jesus,
i swear we're a straight couple.

i cannot be mad because you are going to get love from a ***** with short shorts and high heels and tight tank tops.
i cannot be mad because you hang around this chick with ******* and long legs.
i cannot be mad because i am not your first choice.

i can just try harder.

stand me up under the truck
mixer on full speed
turn it higher, higher
pour liquid on me
if I can't learn to stop
destroying myself
destroying others
make me.
turn me into stone

if you find a worm in your apple, you'll throw it away.
but there are still good parts.
the worm's only in one place.
some people are just too afraid to try the apple again.

we all have worms,
and the question is,
are you too afraid that you'll find mine?

I shouldnt have lied and said I was okay.
I should have asked you for help.
Oh god, I need your help.
I am shattered.
Do you not see my broken bones?
Do you not see the way I cry out for help?
I just want to be noticed.
I shouldn't have lied.
But you should've known.

i am water coursing through,
and remaining earth on you.

the clouds were
troubling
her again.
but like a
roof over
her head, he
makes the clouds
disappear.
but caves and
roofs and struct-
ures and build-
kings collapse
even the
sturdiest
structures will
break. even
you will break.
but breaking,
at times, is
positive.
because when
you break, you
find those who
truly care
about you.
I care abo-
ut you dear.
darling, you
seem so strong.
but when will
the pressure
get to be
too heavy
for you? when
you break, I
wanna be
there. I wish
to see your
fragile bones
snap under
the pressure
that has been
accumu-
lating for
years. almost
as an "i-
told-you-so."
you will break.
I wanna
watch you snap
and break and
crumble. you
will, I know
you will. ev-
entual-
ly. and I
will be there
to watch and
to help. even
though I want
to see you
break, I don't
want you to
break. I just
need to know
you feel in-
side. do you
have a heart?
do you feel
things? I need
to see you
break; I need
to have proof.

things aren't okay.
i hope my suicide jokes catch your eye.
but they don't.
you don't care about me.
you don't love me.
and you don't need me.

my scars are faded.
I hate it.
I wish my scars could be permanent.
tattooed on my skin.
if my scars held more weight,
if they didn't fade after three hours,
I'd be satisfied.
nothing stays, ever.
everything leaves.

and when you consider leaving too,
just remember that
I would never
leave your health in the hands of a broken failure with a blade.

i told colton, a strange look of terror residing in my eyes, that i would break it off.
i told madison, a strange calm in my thumbs, that i would break it off.
you walked into the uniform room.
i didn't even wear my socks, i was so late. i had to run to my locker to get my shoes. should've brought em sooner you said, pulling your bibbers on.
i could feel the words climbing out of my throat, hey, we need to talk i almost said.
but like i did when i was seven and with stomach flu, i shut my mouth so the inevitable flow would stay contained.
i go searching through the guard closet for shoes, my back to you.
god, how am i supposed to get this on? you asked, and i watched you struggle to get the jacket zipped. this little look of admiration washed over my face.
I walked over to you and zipped you up, laughing with you. god, i could have and should have broken it off with you right then. i also could have and should have kissed you.
you zipped me up too, and we buckled each others top buckles.

-
i could have ended it, and i wish i would have.

_more than wanted_
_______less than needed______
__________­maybe just a friend.

its like building a bridge.
step by step.
plank by plank.
person by person.
slowly you begin coming out:
to internet strangers
to work friends
to madisons
to close friends
and suddenly; it isn't scary.

it is 19:43 and I think of how you hate military time and how I always have to change it myself for you when you ask the time.

"recover holly!" you always say, but I think to last night when you handed me a blade. sure, it was was for styrofoam cutting and not skin cutting, but for a guy who remembers everything else so well, you seemed to forget that I would be triggered .

you never allow me to help you, and it hurts because everyone always underestimates what I'm capable of and what I can do and I thought you were different.

you assure me that my weight doesn't matter, but look how you spin Natalie and Alayna around. why can I not be skinny enough to fly in your arms?

I'll probably send this to Madison later, not you though. you're my inspiration, you help so much. but you hate poetry and my creative outlet is lesser than yours.

I feel as if I would be truly sad if you moved next year, but you wouldn't miss me.

and what will you do if I get better? you are nothing more than a 911 operator; you'll save me and then leave.

oh dear, I feel like I don't need you.

but I do.

I need you because you get me and I ******* hate how much you understand me. I wish you were a dumb boy.

I need you because no one else ******* cares about me anymore.

and no, I don't 'like' you. I just can't ******* lose my life line.

I don't know why
I keep you around.
you beat me down
and make me cry.
but when you try
to help me out
I have no doubt
you should be mine.
when I'm with you
I know how to be
and nothing can hurt.
I'm not blue,
nothing's too heavy,
and you'll never break my heart.

5,000 calories does not make
you skinnier, only less empty

you make me feel like,
with you,
I am important

just in case you forget how to breathe, I would pump my oxygen into your lungs.

just in case you forget how to love yourself, I would kiss every bruised inch of skin on your body.

just in case you forget how to eat, I would spoon feed you myself.

just in case you forget how to live, I would give up my life for you.

do you not realize
how amazing you are? how
wonderful you are?

extraño tu.
extraño tu todos los días.
él no es lo suficientemente bueno a recoloco ella.
ella no fue lo bueno.
pero él no es lo suficientemente bueno.
no soy lo suficientemente bueno.
extraño tu.

I love your eyes.
I've gotten attached to them.

my feet are slipping again.
(you say you just like to  disappear, you hate texting.)
I just have two ways to go.
(I knew this was a mistake.)
I can't fall for you, so I'll fall from you.
(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)
(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)

you never read my poems.

did you even know I wrote poems?

you knew I wrote short stories.
you wrote with me.

but poetry?
my very soul?
the thing that makes days, weeks, months, years, bearable?

you never read any of it.
you didn't care.

holly jeanette (you loved my middle name) you need to write more!

I wrote tons.
you didn't mean poems.
you meant stories that benefitted you, not me.
you never cared.
I was so afraid to share that big part of myself.

but you never asked.
I dropped subtle hints.
ugh, need a new poetry journal
I prefer poems to stories.
and once, hey babe, wanna read this thing I wrote?

but my poetry never appealed to you.
my poetry didn't do anything for you.
mís poemas te dejaste friá.

you never cared about the thing that made me happiest.
you cared only about the thing that you thought made me happiest, you.

I feel like she was fleeting.
her love depending on the day.
on the pick of a petal.
she loves me (keeping my voice on her phone)
she loves me (walking from lunch)
she loves me (pep band games)
but then, I go to the next petal.
she loves me not. (forgetting to text back)
she loves me not. (not knowing how to react)
and even though it hasn't been picked yet.
she loves me not. (leaving me)

she makes my heart
beat
just a little faster.

tell me three things.
•How are you doing? I miss you and I want you to do okay.
•Why don't you believe that I love you? Why don't you believe we all love you? We all love.
•Why won't you believe me when I say that you make me happy and that I've been where you have.

Brandon, I want you to be okay. I care about you.

i don't know what to
do anymore, i'm drowning,
i'm so very sad.

he cuts into my skin
like the knife he took
away from me.

he promised me
he'd never leave.
where is he now?

I feel so empty
and now I feel
like living my last day.

I can't stop thinking about you. I look in your direction and it physically pains me.
2. I burned poetry about you and her, the fact that I regard you the same way as her scares me. Something has changed.
3. I burn poetry as means of destroying myself.
4. Only I can destroy myself that way.
5. I miss you but I can't. Not today.
6. I'm gonna throw up because water has filled my lungs. Water has filled the space you used to.
7. Blood courses through and sometimes I wish it flowed out but *******. You made me stop.
8. Worthless. You told me I was not and now, that's how you make me feel.

when asked what i got for christmas,
couldn't say you.

i love you*
it took a year to realize that

he went looking
for the girl
he had fallen for.
he needed to
explain, to make it
better.
he found her
in the local newspaper.
-
he went looking
for someone
to blame.
someone else,
anyone else.
he found it
when he found the note
-
he went looking
for the girl again.
he found her
at the bottom of the bridge

if I was skinny,
could I please hold your hand?

the way you touch me makes my hands light on fire,
so every chance i get i touch you too.
maybe we'll go up in flames.

as the night falls quiet and the moon
is covered up by the lies she told,
you pace. you sit in your room, crying
because where is she now? she said she’d
never leave, but where is she now? as
the night grows empty, so does your heart.

I will not love.
I trust that I will not make that mistake again.
I will not mistake your care and attention as affection.
I will not cling.
I will not give into you.
I will not change for you.
But man, loving you feels amazing.

you are like a bowl of hot soup on a cold day.
everyone is awaiting you and everyone needs you.
there isn't a person who can deny you.
or like a big ice cream cone in the middle of summer.
everyone's favorite.
but i am the frostbite that leads to you in winter.
and the sunburn that you make seem better when it is hot.
unfortunately, people don't want me.
they only want you.
but yet, I am necessary.
you are not nearly as spectacular without me.
-h.m

you're like a prince
because you always
save me from my
demons. I have
so many demons
and they haunt me
at night and when
I let my guard
down. but I only
let my guard down
around you. some
how you save me
from yourself