they say love isn't real if they don't make your heart ache at some point,
but with you, it ached as much as the sea storms into the shore and goes back out—again and again, it never ends,
it ached when you lifted your loving gaze and smiled to me from across the room full of people around us,
and we were slow dancing in a burning room.

when you call her baby,
do you feel the emotion rolled off your tongue just like how it did with me?

when you call her baby,
do you kiss her shoulder when you realized they didn't bury the freckles like mine?

when you called her baby,
did you know the pain came out from my mouth sounding like whispers?
did you know i held my heart in my hands that night watching them broke apart with my knees scrapped from the ground?

when you called her baby,
did you know i asked nothing from god but instead i asked why?
did you know he left me unanswered?

when you called me baby,
i came undone and watched you said it again.

kind and emphatic are two lines into a word is called self-destruction,
your heart is made of red elevating patient and your intentions are pure and gold,
these aren't enough to stop them from taking your insides into outs,
your guts pull you down to your knees and they break you apart all over again.

i feel like this is how it is,

to have your breath against my skin,

to have your skin against my skin,

to have your love written in your slow kisses,

have your heart beat against my palm when we were there on your bed,

crumpled sheets and messy curly hair across your pillows.

I kissed your back this evening when I spooned you. It was hot and just a little into summer but we didn't mind the heat. You said it feels like the best thing ever, to be held close by a person you loved and craved. I trailed my fingers lightly along the curves of your body which reminded me of the mountains and trails I've walked on.

You turned around and told me to go to sleep as you held me close this time, mirroring me in your arms. "Baby, I know we've done this millions of time but I kept on falling for this, I keep on falling in love with you." I remember telling you this when you were too fast asleep in my arms after hours of trying to study your material.

"It's because when I do it, I do it like it's the first time. Like this, like this and like this."

You kissed my forehead gently.
You kissed my lips again, and again the longest.
You held me in your arms till I fell asleep.

You're right. You always do the things that is going to me fall in love with you. I am and I will always do, just like the first time.

I kissed the tip of my cigarettes when you kissed her lips. 3am and this is my third cigarette for the night and I was hoping that this would get my mind clear of you. Each breath of this sin I took was every thought of you discovering and finding your way back on her like going through a map again when you're touching her to sleep tonight.

Each cigarette; each kiss I lost.
*I still died.