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Ren Moulaison May 2015
She used to wear that
crunchy hairspray
everyday of her life,
hiding behind the facade
of perfection
Inside, she was lonely
and wanted nothing more
than someone to hold her
But she was too scared
to let anyone pull a
single strand out of place

She was a creative
young soul with hopes
and dreams
She thought in nitty-gritty
details that she lived
to convey,
in hopes that any potentials
would understand her
and open up in unconditional
embrace

But that day never came,
until she met him
His soul was almost parallel
hers, and she found they
shared plenty of striking qualities
But his spirit was open,
so open that she couldn't
help but feel hers
soar along with it
And when he reached for
the roots of her strawberry
blonde strands,
still crunchy from all those
years of sticky, stationary
saturation,
she let go, and let him
turn every one of them
back to their limp, natural
state

It seemed that everything
was fine hereafter,
with her guard let down
in the arms of someone
she could trust
But it wasn't long before
she started clinging to him,
just as she had with
the strong, intoxicating
elixir that once held her
world together
And as he decided to
back away,
she could almost hear
him saying, "You can keep
your hairspray on,
'cause I'm not in the
mood to mess it up"

After that, the two young
souls remained good friends
And despite the ache
in her heart and longing
for affection,
she couldn't have been
more joyful
The hairspray tin stayed
on the bathroom shelf
from then on,
collecting dust and standing
as a reminder
that the facade of perfection
is no match for deep connection
Ren Moulaison Nov 2018
Verse 1
It's been so long since
I've talked with you
You know I've been
deep in despair
And just as much as
I wish it wasn't true,
I've felt like you haven't been
with me there
to comfort me when I
need it most,
to let me know you
really care
But now I'm thinking,
"What if I was the ghost?
What if I wasn't being fair?"
I regret all that I did,
and I'll do anything I can
to fix this

CHORUS
I wanna march around the city
of Jericho
I wanna blow the trumpets and
make these walls tumble
I'll shout as loud as I can to
let you know I'm here,
so don't you shed a tear
I won't be going anywhere
for a while
I'll stay in the promised land
and I won't miss your smile
I promise you to never again
throw this away
And let me tell you why
with this simple phrase
I love you

Verse 2
All those times that I've
neglected you,
just the thought of it
breaks my heart
I did some things I knew
I shouldn't do,
and over time,
we drifted apart
I forgot to tell you just
how much,
how much you really
mean to me
And now I’m hoping
it's not too late
to go back to where
I need to be
I'm hoping that this is
not the end
I'll do everything in my power
to make amends

CHORUS

Bridge
And when all the cement
starts to crack,
and all the bricks and the stones
are under attack,
I'll be ready to
run inside
I'll make sure to
hold you tight
I'll find you and
take your hand
We'll make it out of
the dust and the sand
And I'll be sure that
we don't bend
again
We won't end....

CHORUS (2 times)
This song is about neglecting someone you love and care deeply about, feeling the guilt of it, and making a promise to them to never do so again. I wrote the song when I was about 15-16 years old, originally about my straight best friend who I was obliviously in love with at the time; back then, I somehow deducted from a dream I had about her and the fact that we'd been drifting apart, that I had neglected her as a friend (which, in a way, was true - because she knew that, at an earlier point in our friendship, I'd gotten an intense urge to kiss her on the lips during one of our sleepovers, which I never acted on). So, to make up for it, I decided that spending a lot more time with her would solve that problem. Needless to say, that didn't pan out for me as well as I'd hoped.

Reading back over the lyrics a few months ago (having long been over the first girl), I realized that they still applied to my life in some way; this time, I was and still am (knowingly) in love with a pansexual nonbinary individual, and the reason that I felt I was neglecting them was because there were certain limitations/insecurities I had, that were holding me back from seeing the possibility that I could take care of them and be their person. One of them being that I don't have my license or a car at 22, and all my folks have jobs/other commitments; the other one being that some of our interests differ from each other, so I didn't know if we would mesh well as a couple because of that.

I have somewhat worked through the latter insecurity, however; one of their biggest interests is cosplay, which I've never been into, and obviously, a big part of that is acting. Now that I'm running a fan film production company called the Rilaya Indie Project (and I believe they would be a perfect Riley, which I have expressed to them and they've been enthusiastic about), I have found some common ground there.

Now the license thing, I'm still working on. I still have a big fear of possibly hurting myself or others  on the road, but I am determined to get my license and a car so that I can see my adorable enby more often.


And now, for some Fun Facts:

1. I have a video on YouTube of me singing this song completely a cappella - which I don't normally do because I have an intense fear of singing in front of people. I don't have very many videos on my Channel at the moment, so if you just search my name on YouTube, it shouldn't be too hard to find.

2. The line "We won't end" originally read "'Cause, my friend," because I was vaguely aware of the romantic feelings I had for my straight best friend back when I wrote the song, and I remember adamently pushing any notion of those feelings to the back of my mind whenever they came up. This was just one of the ways I did it, I guess!

3. I plan to name one of my future kids after this song when I'm older, paired with Martin as a middle name
Ren Moulaison May 2015
There we were,
a pair of inseparable
young souls,
blissfully skipping
through the tall
and viney garden
maze
Our hearts were
full of promise
back then,
and there existed
within us an
unwavering sense
of hope and loyalty
that begged for
forever
At least I did

I was your handicap,
a blind and ignorant
fool
who lacked direction
without hearing the
sound of your footsteps
beside me,
to give me security
and a crutch to fall
back on
Without your gentle hand
to guide me,
I knew I would potentially
crumble,
in my dreadful lack
of perception
And crumble I did

You led me to
the fountain
in the center of
the maze,
where my faith
in us still flourished
in its wishful state
You sung me to sleep
with your sweet lullaby,
a most peaceful slumber
if there ever was one,
and it let my dreams
give me one last
glimpse of limbotic
paradise,
before waking up
to a world
of sudden abandonment

As the clouds turned
to gray,
in a mass that covered
the once blissful
afternoon sun,
I let my hands take over
the role of my eyes,
patting the ground
in search of my
sighted companion
But I soon realized
you weren't there,
and I called your name
in isolated trepidation,
hoping to God
that you were still near

Your voice answered back
with a reassurance
meant to defuse,
telling me you were
only a few strides away
But there was an
absence of depth,
of concern
in your voice,
as you encouraged me
to step forward
with no arms to
catch me,
and no insight of
surrounding dangers
And as I stood up
and took each hesitant,
terrified step,
I could feel your
voice growing more
and more distant,
despite your insistent
promise that you'd
make your way back
to my side

Soon you were gone
completely,
and I could no longer
hear you
I was left there,
to my, all the more
weakened defenses
Left to wallow in
paranoia,
to recoil in deep-seated
anger
Asking to myself why,
why did this have
to happen?
How could you have been
so cowardly,
so as to not tell me
of your departure?
For you see,
there was no way it
could've been said
nicely
But the least you
could've done,
was simply to be kind
and save me from
the torment of deceit

Somewhere in the vastness
of the puzzling twists
and turns,
I made my way
to new territory
I cried out one last time,
knowing you wouldn't say
anything in return,
but holding out for the
unlikely chance of redemption
And when I heard a
voice not too far away,
one that wasn't yours
but one that gave me
enough of my hope back,
I started running
toward the sound

I stumbled
in the rush of
excitement,
from forgetting,
even just for
a moment,
my disadvantage,
my lack of a
fallback
Because I had
a sense of potential
that this voice,
right in front of me,
would be my new
source of solace
following the bitter
betrayal,
the pain I felt in your wake
I was ready for a new beginning

The stranger rushed over
and caught hold of
my arms
to halt the loss of
my balance
I heard their low,
comforting voice as I
crashed into their embrace,
telling me everything
was okay,
that I was safe now
And I wasn't sure if it
was the hope talking,
but somehow I knew that,
from that moment on,
the torture was over
They guided me over
to a nearby stump,
their sensitive hands
supporting me all the way,
their soft voice uttering
encouraging words
with every step forward
And all the while,
they never left my side

As I took my seat
in front of the campfire,
with their hands still
holding onto me
to ensure I didn't
stumble and fall,
they took the liberty
of offering me
something hot to drink
I graciously accepted,
overwhelmed by this
stranger's complete and
utter kindness,
and within half
a minute,
my shivering palms
welcomed a small
cup of fresh tea

I then felt the all-encompassing
warmth of a soft blanket
being placed around me,
as the stranger proceeded to
inquire about my injuries,
whether they were the
bruises from the numerous
falls, in my journey
through the confusing avenues
of the maze,
or the unseen scars
left on my heart
And as I rehashed all
the heartaches of the
tumultuous event,
taking a sip of tea
here and there
to calm my heightened nerves,
a single thought entered
my head,
and for the first time,
I came to recognize
the stranger
as none other
than my inner voice

And with that,
a sense of peace
began to flow over me,
and I no longer
held onto the desire,
to know why you left,
to be reassured
of a presence
outside of myself
to rely on, for all things
and blame for all misfortune
Because that presence
that I desired,
that promise of love and
belonging,
had been inside of me
all along
This is a very long Epic Poem that I started working on at the end of October last year. I've put a lot of thought and emotion into this one, as it describes a very intense experience I went through in the past few years that significantly changed the way I look at my friendships, and the things I value within them. It has taken me a long time to get to the point of forgiveness and emotional healing, but now that I have, I feel much more like I will be able hold my own, without need for closure beyond what I can control, in a situation like this poem will describe (but hopefully to a much less severe degree). My hope in sharing this poem is that you can get some sort of positive message out of this, whether you identify with the speaker or with either of the two subjects, that will help you to gain more understanding and compassion for those who endure this kind of emotional turmoil. And of course, I sincerely hope that you enjoy it, despite its serious tone.

— The End —