You promised you wouldn’t hurt me like this
You promised you would look out for me
You promised I wasn’t just a body
You promised you wouldn’t use me
You promised you’d stay
You promised you would try

You broke your promise.

Hello Dad
It’s been four months
Did you get my call?
I’m worried about you
I’m sorry I didn’t answer

Hey Dad
I’m sorry I messed up
Please forgive me
It’s been a year
I miss you

Hi Dad
I know you’re struggling
Please call me
You don’t have to be alone
I’m right here

Dad
Pick up the phone
It’s been too long
You’re drowning yourself in beer
I should’ve answered.

I know you never wanted me.
I’m the mistake you couldn’t buy your way out of.
you played the victim for my existence.
you brought me into this broken world.
you could’ve stopped.
countless days at the bar
leaving me home alone.
watching as a new woman
made her way to your bed sheets
time and time again.
hearing the impure things
from a bunk bed in a dark room.
crying and begging to leave.
the only person i trusted was nowhere
mom? mom? where are you?
as my bed turned into the couch
i spent my days watching hours of the news.
i didn’t understand much at 4 years old.
inviting your friends over for drinks
seemed innocent at first, right?
until you left me alone with one of them.
you let him do this.
you left me alone.
i was just a child.
you knew better.
but you simply didn’t care.
you were never the victim.
how’s it feel, dad?

i lay here
i expect the tears to work themselves out
but they refrain from doing so.
time keeps moving
i can feel the days getting shorter.
as i’ve tried to cut it short
it never worked.
the world has its way
of getting what it wants
but yet i’m stuck in feeling
moving through the motions
of the pattern i’m stuck in.
days feel meaningless
but i keep going
as much as i don’t want to.
the feelings i’ve suppressed
have kept themselves contained
until now.
this flood of emotions
feels like i’m drowning
i can hardly keep my head
above the crashing waves
of reality, hardships, and pain.
this empty pain
lurks and stays behind my mind.
the cries for help
are more like whispers for assistance.
i distribute help as if it was overflowing
but i’m the one who needs it most.
i beg for this feeling to end
i beg for a new start or a do over
accepting this hurt has been the worse.
if i could bring back
the joyful little girl
that i once was
maybe things would be different.
it’s time to take back my own life
and replace this empty
with something to fill that void.
i just want to feel something
once again.

Hm, the luring call from this crowded place,
but what are the intentions?
diabolical feelings in this place I call home.
But why do you and I stay?
our routine of sadness and evil
hovers around our heads,
as if we were the sun, and the sadness orbits us
like the planets in the vast universe surrounding.
only dark and damp places we exist
filled with hatred and impurity.
each of us contribute to this fire
oh, but what is this?
a grasp on my mind,
a calling, a desire, a higher power.
my feet walk for me as if I am being lifted
the stress and pain is floating away
A godly figure is implanted in my mind
heaven? God? is that you?
my broken pieces pick themselves up
they hover and lift themselves in the air
my shattered shell of a body is floating
pure thoughts paint themselves in my mind
what brought me here?
a smooth transition from my living hell
to a placid place amongst the sky.
God? Allah? who brought me here?
even my strongest beliefs were being questioned.
quite frankly, everything I knew was foggy.
the only feeling I obtained was bliss.
my feet were placed back onto the surface
and the darkness crept back,
but my outlook and intentions changed.
I kept the happy and the bright
and it outshone the malevolent world.
this moment lasted and stays in my mind
being there forever would be beautiful
but sadly, the best feelings do come to an end
because everything is temporary.
but the best feelings, can be felt forever.