on this pale yellow post-it note lies 10 hurriedly written digits and i've never felt more secure, yet so unsure all at the same **** time

you were dead
and I was tired of digging my own grave.

seeing you made my stomach churn
and i couldn't tell whether or not it was from
the butterflies in my stomach or
if it was the excitement and the fear that comes along with
being yours

how can i miss something
or someone that i've
never had?

i'm pretty ****
good at it,
if you ask
me.

she stood there waiting
waiting for an answer
waiting for a reason
waiting for a sign
to know why i would
think i deserve to
have so much
pain.

the look in her eyes showed
that all she craved was to know.
why can she not see?

honestly, i wonder why i even
let myself endure the pain
any longer than i should.
death waits for me at my doorstep,
why should i not let him in again?

10 reasons I have come up with
because that should be all i need:
1) God- Would he forgive me? The thought seems scary if he wouldn't.
2) Life- Something I should hold onto dearly, after all this is the only kind like it.
3) Leigh- A girlfriend like you is worth living for. You are worth fighting for.
4) Amy- My bestfriend is possibly my soulmate... not in a "get married" way but in a "meant to be bets friends forever" way.
5) The World- I have too many things I want to do and that I want to change: I should do them, right?
6) UCBerkeley- All I want is this University... It's what I crave. I need to be there. I will be there.
7) The stars- I belong to them like I belong to God. When I die I want the stars to yearn for me just as much as I yearn for them.
8) My family- You are so low on the list, but I cannot lie that I would miss you in some form or way. My sisters big smile, my nephews hopeful eyes, my aunts kind words, and even my moms funny sayings.
9) Me- Yes, its sounds quite selfish but I would miss my humor and my laugh and my hair and my poetry. I would miss reading and exploring and learning... Oh God would I miss learning.
10) The Universe- How could I explore the Universe if I am dead?

I know living is worth it because of all of these things... I just wish life were a bit easier on me.

my dreams came true
, not for me,
but for you.

but, she asked you to
    stay and yet you
disobeyed?

And when violence becomes numb to us, who's to blame?

your tongue spoke in ways that your words never could

You're winning this game that I'm not willing to play.

I'm over him as quick as I started liking him

I cannot even begin to describe how free I feel.

Lets turn
   Letters into
     Words and
       Words into
          Poetry, babe.

I'm not particularly sad, but oh am I severely depressed.

you say sweet words, but I simply cannot believe them.

If I don't leave now, then I'll never get away.

"I gave everything I had and it still wasn't wanted."

So, I'm not to sure
of what I want
Anymore.

ive quickly learned how
fast sadness lets
itself back
in.

I have never loved myself more than I do now.

the future is unclear, but I know what I want.

I don't think I'm
Going to be okay
Without you.

I want to be
Okay
But it's just
So
Hard.

abuse is the reason she likes you
she said.
*right?

She just makes me
want to smile and
cry alltogether.

I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.

I'm trying to find you,
But the lights are off.

The more we talk the
more i fall for
h
  e
     r.

5 gone and so many
more to lose, Can I?