i wasn’t made to be condensed into your adjectives,
as if “dream girl” and “broken” equated.
on what planet do the stars create grey eyes and
a name with a story, i'm
the skipping record of leaving
too quickly, abandoning my home while
the first is still in flames

fleeting
the sound of my breath on the inner parts of your mind,
the back of your neck
the bruises of your ankles
the depth of your emotion
flat roofs, vacant hospitals, the wilting petals
of the mourner, Tuesday morning.
you awake,
screaming someone else's name
dismal ache, the gap for a heart
that you just had to fill

something snapped. i couldn't tell
whether it was my psyche or my conscious, my mouth or my
throat, my heart or my head, where is my home?
something between the degree of you and the oil i drop under my tongue to love myself
something between screaming at the ceiling for answers and waiting
for you like a child at a bus stop, the kitten in the window, the things we said we wouldn't let drop until
they did
they broke, it all went
to hell, sifting through old cut up love i found the
you's and the but's and the and's and the if's and
the birthday card you gave me on my fifteenth birthday,
the scribbled letters, the paraphernalia of the love i strangled to death
with my own bare hands and the
regretting of it a year later.

AND ITS ALL OVER THE BLASTED ****** INTERNET
THAT IM IN LOVE WITH YOU,
AND YOU STILL ACCUSE ME
OF WANTING HIM

your liquid song of laughter, song of love,
returns me to your arms
I long to pour the nights spent by your side
into bottle,
as holy tide
to wash and feel again
my body
   in your seven seas of love,

I leave you only to witness my own damp words and salty letters,
my palms ache, my fingers
forget their place
as they long for your own
I watch them sigh, as my eyes,
   precipitate

Perhaps - out of joy, appreciation
as I attempt to love you without flaw
falling far too short often times,
to express heart's admiration

However
the continual task could be no greater
I feel love swell in my heart upon the mention of your name
flowing in and out of my mind throughout my day-
like turquoise waters
other memories; they decay
into desert
but you, your holy ways,
see me to the end
I'll prove again, again
how you turn my veins into rivers, running
as this faucet of your heart is unprecedented
how eagerly I look to your constellation each night
and pray it to remain
as you are
I pray your current is not fleeting
I dawn to keep your voice near always,
   folded in light

Will you take refuge in my shadows? or
will you wallow when day turns overcast,
will you still find way in these grey skies,
let love rain; allow me to live in mist of your
truths, wet with the glow of your embrace?
distance cannot strip this symphony of our love,
will not dismantle, dilute,
these sonatas and floods
   as time trickles on my dear,
   you have me wholly
   writing to you only, in blood
will not ruin these rivers and rhymes
   see me to the end, my dear,
   to the end of time

some days,
there truly isn’t a lot we can do
to save ourselves
from ourselves
even nicotine won’t take away
the pain,
but just maybe
you can

gasping
on the brink of death
and i didn’t give a ****
you forced oxygen into my soul
you gave me a reason for living
you didn’t care
that i wanted to die
you justified my existence
you fought me
and fought me
until i realized
i can breathe on my own
there’s plenty of reasons for life
(you were one)

you thought
he took your place
reality says
he was my distraction
from the toxic things in my life
my bad habits
you are my bad habit
you’re the poison in my veins
that I still cannot drain

the sound of your keychain
i knew it was you
it was always
you
every **** time
i knew your presence
the way i knew the alphabet
the way i counted on the sun to rise
each morning.
but what they didn’t tell me,
is everything fades.
just like you faded,
from me
(you were just another lousy star)

"do you believe you both are meant to be?"
she turned from the drivers seat,
looking over at me.
speechless.
that's all i had.
nothing.
were we? are we?
this isn't up to me
fate brought us here, 3 years strong
you could've left
i could've left
is this ironic, or symbolic?

i know where i went wrong

was it love or open heart surgery?
i think it'll take me years to find the answer
because well
for years you were my answer
and i'm beginning to learn you don't matter
all that much.
it's strange how something so small
can become something so large
and vice versa,
like how you drove my heart
through the brick wall i've been
staring at for too long
how you woke me back up
how you never said i wasn't enough,
how you loved me more than i've
ever seen someone love another,
until i lost you too many times.
all my strings came undone and
my marbles went rolling and
i had this steady voice in my head telling me
something was missing. reality wasn't real anymore.
this is emptiness and i'm learning to embrace it
this is me yelling at the god i don't believe in
this is tracing the remnants of your veins, like
the roadway map i followed to forget us
this is me meeting the day i met you
i'm shaking my soul so violently maybe
i'll shake you from my memories too

like a tsunami you want to tuck into bed
settle down end the rage
leave the city for a few days
breathe in the air of these old ripe trees
and sing the song of frozen spring
a loving freeze
shake about in airy ease
dance again
let's dance