The noise is loud
The people here
They come and go
Like a winter breeze
My eyes are red
They no longer see
A light ahead
Or a way to breathe
My hands they tremble
My lips they shiver
And no one here
Knows I’m not listening
The music colors me
And blends me in
But the way my body moves
It’s a covering film
To what lies beneath
This sadness grows
And the lights they fade
They melt away
And leave behind
A colorless soul

The words dry out
And every feeling floats
In a river where a fisherman
Empty-handed heads home
My heart sinks below all the feelings that run
And your touch would silence the old souls that sung
The song of the divine in my ears
Telling me to give out to my fears
I close my ears shut and listen to your breath
Like wind blowing away
All the dead leaves that fell
Giving hope of a flourishing season to come

How can I not write
When I have so many things locked up inside me
How can I not write
And who would listen to all the unexpected rising memories if I didn't
Who would know that all I need to hear is silence
Who would know that all I need is acceptance of who I am
How can I not write
When I can't explain to you in person that I need a time out
How can I not write
When the question "are you okay?" doesn't bring to mind anything that I could share
How can I not write
When I know that I have cried and told my secrets before and I was left behind
How can I not write
When people only see how easily I let go of people that I used to know and cut them out of my life
But don't see the struggle that lies beneath the surface of my thick skin
Or the one hundred times I wanna vent to an old friend
How can I not write
When I can't tell you that I love you as many times as I want
In fear of many things one of which is to eventually hurt you
How can I not write
When I can't bear life anymore
When suicide is a normal daily thought that doesn't worry me a bit
When my mind works in every way possible to let me dive in silence
When I don't find the words
When I don't hear any words
When I can only write these insignificant letters with ink
How can I not write?

You're not obligated to be here
I can do this on my own
Pick myself off the ground like I did for all the days you were -I don't know where-
Don't expect me to utter the words need followed by your name
I don't need you
I don't need you
I don't need you
I will break down inside and reach for you begging you to hold me tight
But my hands will stay still
And don't you try to soften me up because I will push you away
My brain will drift away with the fever and feel your touch
Imagine I'm in your presence
And I will tell you things that I won't tell anyone again
"Where's my dad?
What happened?
They're lying to me, right?
I haven't seen him in a year
I am a smaller version of him
Now where am I gonna go when I lose myself
Who will tell me who I am and what I'm like?
Where do I go now?"
And I will keep calling your name
Waiting to hear you say yes everything will be okay
But my mouth will say nothing but short unnecessary answers that won't reveal anything
And You should stay here and I should cry to you
Because my tears won't fall any other way
And if they don't I might never heal
For those who break and fall must rise again
But those who take the sadness in silence
Implant it in themselves and live with it forever
As a part of everyday life
As a part of them
And it will never die and they will never rise until they rise from the dead
Hah do you still believe in death?
I have died once
How many is yet to come?
Go back to where you came from

I keep putting bullet after bullet inside my head and heart
Hiding the bullets away so you won't see or feel the strength of your love to me
But there's one (maybe two) that has gotten way too deep
I can feel it in my chest, the pain of something ripping away
On other days I notice the bleeding from my nose and mouth
Your love is killing me from the inside out
And each time I come to my senses and plan a getaway
I get a glimpse of you reaching for me and all my plans crumble into a pile of blood and tears
Covered with the armor I wear to make you feel safe
I have lost count of the scars and bruises intentionally so as not to have anything to blame you for
And I'm not good with metaphors
So pardon me and excuse me for what I'll do
But this has to be hidden all the way
Don't go around asking why I moved away
I noticed my death getting closer by the day
And dying under your feet or in your arms
And saying my last words to no one else but you
Would have ruined all the pain I've been through
So don't go around asking why I ran away
I'm living a happy life with a new love, maybe a kid
And yes I have forgotten all the things we ever shared
Also, you did not mean that much to me
This one shall be the end of me

So that's what it is
That's what therapy is
Giving you a temporary solution
To what you have already missed
But we should be taught
That satisfying desire is not right
Tell these people they need to make peace
With their inner selves
That wild animal inside your head
Should not be fed and spoiled
But should be disciplined instead  
It's hunger will never end
And each time the hunger is stronger
Until no end
So teach that animal when it wants a bone
Or else you'll have to teach it when it wants the world
And live beyond what you want now
The now is something you can't catch
The moment flies and with the flying comes regret
Until you live in anxieties that you can't forget
And you go mad
And you go blue
And you hold your head
And you can't get through
Because science is not everything
Because
"Science goes only so far, then comes god."

How could I feel this pain
It does not belong to me
How could I cry over someone's death
When we have never crossed paths
Who does this heart belong to
Someone familiar I suppose
That one I love dearly
To the point of no return
Your sadness hits me more than my own
Oh lord I don't want no cure anymore
I'd rather be in the deepest of sores
Then see you laugh
To know I'm still alive
And this pain is for a good cause
For that's the only way I'll have a chance
To pass life by
Or else put my tomb on any ground
And watch as I die

August 24, 2015, 3:47 AM

I believe I drink more tea than alcoholics drink alcohol
And it makes me drunk
In its own way
And I fear it would ruin my teeth
The way alcoholics fear it would ruin their liver
But we drink it anyway
Until the damage is too clear to ignore
I look at the mirror and see how terrible my teeth have become
As an alcoholic holds his stomach in pain
And we both go for another glass

Like those who have gotten too accustomed to the heat
That cold sickens them and weakens their bones
You have become a part of me
After you I'm a rotten soul

My life decisions that have been made rest somewhere in my head for me to rethink them whenever I'm able to
The things I have never done and the reasons behind my paralyzation to do them and every possibility of a life led by doing all the things I ever wanted to do
The life of acting on my thoughts, the life of showing emotion, the life of existing outside the walls of my own head
But I am imprisoned by my own self which makes the equation of freedom impossible
Because if one of my hands tried to free me of my misery the other would pull me down and pull the rope around my wrists tighter than before
As with every thought that tries to let me act and exist just to find another opposing thought destroying all that it has been preparing for
The struggle of fighting your own self is you could never win or lose
Whoever wins loses at the same time, and whoever loses somehow wins
For you don't know whose side have you been taking and who you were battling against
And you have to live in between
Never getting the satisfaction and freedom of living without holding anything back
Nor being able to live with the silence undisturbed
And so you stand in the middle paralyzed
Until one day the rope is pulled too tightly around your neck
Turning you blue
And the fight ends with both of you losing
Or winning.