I panic at the thought of being alone
I found solace in a classroom
and even that was taken away
I get dizzy when I encounter my blood
though everyone says the bond is unconditional
I sit in the midst of those that say they love me
I weep and not one of them sees
I cry out and not one of them understands the pain in my shell of a heart
I try to be good but sometimes I can't control it
It all comes out- actions, words, thoughts, feelings
in a mess of emotion and release
A release that causes nothing but pain
I wish I could control my fate
I need control of something
The slight reprimands of actions not yet taken
Just instigate what shouldn't be started
I can't keep up to the future
I want to tear my heart in pieces
Hand one to everything that has a greater control
Over my blood than I do
And tell them all to do as they please
Mold a new heart from the old
Recycle the broken me into a machine
Because it's feelings and freedom of thought
That started this mess
My insecurities and weaknesses lead me to the brink
But a machine is monotone and cold and hard and
Frankly much more suited to the others
Than my blood-pumping heart is.
I want to stop living under the perception of control
Give everything up once and for all
Allow the gears to slip from my unwanted brain
Into the hands of the finest technician
Or perhaps the cheapest, as that would be what I deserve
Become reprogrammed to follow the whims of
Everything that controls my blood.

Kissed by the lights
Fluttering in the space between foreign and dangerous
Burned by their constant nearness
Yet fearing more the cold
Wanting to drink in their warmth
To keep them forever near
Wishing their floating nature could be adopted by me
Hoping no one sees the marks they leave
Hoping no one sees the happiness they give
....Though the lights are nomadic
and one day will wander too far
I give myself false hope that they will stay near
However I understand that even the lights' time will come

There's really no point
in changing oneself
Especially when everyone
thinks they know you.
There's really no point
in righting ones wrongs
Especially when everyone
decides you're tainted.
There's really no point
in apologizing
Especially when everyone
claims you're lying.

Never will it be said
That she was a genius.
Never will it be said
That she was talented.
Never will it be said
That she spoke kindly.
Never will it be said
That she was beautiful.
Never will it be said
That she carried value.

What will be said
Is that she was normal.
That she was average.
That she was capable
of ******* everything up.
That she didn't try enough,
didn't achieve enough,
didn't listen to what
would have saved her soul.
What will be said
Is that she wasn't terrible,
just mean.
Is that she wasn't stupid,
just dumb.
Is that she wasn't a gem,
just a pebble.

Scuffed soul,
scuffed body.
Imperfections layered
to cover the disappointments
of never being
anything
of worth.

I hate myself
and my blandness.
I hate my hair
and my sadness.
I hate my nose
and my bruteness.
I hate my feet
and my bitterness.
I hate my legs
and my desperateness.
I hate my wrists
and my selfconsciousness.

Perfection
Beauty
Happy
Brilliance
Selfless
Excitement

Nothing.

Ebbing through the haze
Overshadowing the little ones
Clawing at the backs of the elders
Whispering thoughts into the ears
of the impressionable naive ones
Silently beckoning all those
with the need for release
Eagerly awaiting a chance
To make a difference
To have a voice
To bring upon a change
.
.
Teenage Rebels

I lose my focus
Get lost in thoughts of you
Wonder how you're doing
Wish I could talk to you
Hate that it's become so much of a problem
Think of where I'd be
If I hadn't done what I did

I wish your brightness
Hadn't brought me to you
Like a moth to a flame

It was instantaneous
You filled my soul
And I drowned in the newness of it all

Other people talked to me
Other people showed me what love could be
But I never forgot you
I fell in something with the others
But I fell in love with you

The others don't know
No one knows.
You're my secret
But I don't- no. I can't
keep you anymore.

Goodbye.