I have just finished reading your letter and am in complete rapture to your words and your being. I am compelled to write to you, and write to you, and write to you. And in these words and simple letters, re-live our passion and create it all anew for the rest of time. I felt you so deeply today...
Before the call, I sat nervous awaiting for you to spend the day with me...awaiting a still day, a sad day, a breaking of myself...but it turned out unexpected though in all of today's chaos, it unfolded as more than I could have ever asked for. As unfortunate as the situation unraveled...today I saw your strength, I saw everything I wish I be in you. I saw the other half of me stand tall, remain still, carry the fear inside her like a secret and I am left bewilderd by you. The intensity of the day, now as I sit back and remember vividly every uttered word and every action, has exhausted me but in the most grateful of ways. I feel full, full of new understandings and needless to say, full of you. I soaked in what I could of you. I've memorized every curve of your face, counted every delicate lash, fixated amongst each ring of your eye when the sunlight falls in and engages within them...and yet still, now as you lay miles away from me I wish to imprint these gifts deeper inside me, I wish for more. The smell of you surrounds me in this very moment, making it all the more intoxicating, the smell of the cleanest ocean...
Your tears liberated me, as I so desperately wished to be released from my physical body and to be swept into you, literally. Holding you close I felt everything within you, and I hope you felt the pull of me. I wanted only to stay in your arms for the rest of my days, to lie in bed again with you once more and spend it still curled in our form as the morning flooded in your window. I've remembered everything. And as I listened to you speak of your new relationship...parts of me crumbled. Many parts, parts of my own emotion but more so parts of yours. Because I know what it is you need, I know what it is to sustain you, I know what you deserve. And although she means well within her posture, and she is overflowing with passion and working to bring you nearer...she lacks something strong. To hear of your frustrations parts of me die...I envy where she stands for I cannot yet be there. But I rest assured that one day I will soon be able to be what it is I wish to be for you. Able, independent, mobile...happy. And for now, I wish only the best for you and her. Because I want to see you smiling. This has all unraveled as it should, this has all unraveled as it should. Many things must first take course... for the both of us.
You are all I have dreamed of. Everything I seek...I cannot even handle it inside myself what a more perfect fit. You will always be the one.
..
From me: To you (The last of a series)
the last week has been nothing but utter confusion for my soul. a new soul in different forms has seemed to be fulfilled with a new face of time, a new ticking of my multiple clocks. as i read your letter i felt similarities. i knew what you would write to me if you were to even write at all. i remember seeing you the first day, as i walked in from the rain and attempting to act as though we were in different places and following separate steps. i spoke to you and i wished it never to end, suprised i was even within a distance to touch you. un knowing of why you accepted the actualization of me infront of you. supportive of one another, setting advice and stories in our ears. i wished to not step beyond your doorstep. a hug and a kiss on your warm cheek nearly tore me. and a kiss from you set me back 100 flights of upwards motion. heart baffled and feet unsteady, as they had always been for you..as i had almost forgot them being. so tired had i become of this stability within my bones, till i met you. i felt the oceans pounding me weak within your gaze.
as the events of the other day unfolded as terribly as they did all i could think , was you were the only one that would hold me fast to my mind. keep me one and fill me with the strength to pull myself above it all. slide your hand within mine and give me a release. when i watched you walking towards me i saw myself, the confidence in your eyes for me that you knew you would make it all..ok, dealable, better within me and my soul. it all felt as old. it was as if it was not the last moments together, we were just..us. laughing, being "stupid", talking ****, keeping ourselves withing our own jokes..it was all just there without any drawing of the past.
the drive back was the turning point of it all. heart breaking my weak ribs as twigs under a mountain.
of her i did not expect to speak but i needed to show you my honesty in a matter i knew you had already known well. i am in many places at once. on one hand she has the capability to give me everything else i could want including such an immense love that i have never been given in such a way..but knowing i have your soul, for now anyways, seems to set everything else aside. her words come out garbled when trying to make a point and i cannot trust her to decypher my meaning in my motions, in my puzzled words, in the language of my body and the emotions i need to thrive within this world. you say you have no jealousy but it is a lie within yourself. you know what you wish to have and it is what she has for me. she has parts of this body but can never consume all that you have..just look at what you are now and imagine what you will be by the time you are my age..you will have more than anyone could ever give me in any aspect and you know this as well as i. others will bide our time, create new motions for our ink to flaunt on paper, give us the tools we need for our new forms of art and then we are forced to move to the next and destroy them unwantingly. we wish not to hurt the others around us but it is what we have been created to do..we have always known this..and i believed it would be a continuation of my life, and had come to terms with it years ago..until i looked into your eyes and found the last sentence of my novel. i will suffer the pain of a thousand burning suns, the pain of a life full of slow torture when you find the next person in your life..to know they will only know you from the outside and never be able to understand what you are..because they have not the other part of my soul to understand what you have been as a whole. they will see your eyes, though not past the glare of their own reflection. feel your skin, but not able to grow new parts of you upon them with every brush. kiss your lips, but never fear they may suddenly be sewn into you. nor change the world with you in a single moment. they will all be the "rest of the world." they will all be the pawns on the maps we use to find the way in ourselves to get back to each other.
i broke in front of you. to look at my soul. to see through her eyes the way i had always wished to . to see without you having to say..that you loved me, that you hurt. tears unleashed, falling on every velvet fashion of you. i saw more of your form than i had ever seen in those few moments that lasted. the way your hair always smelled, the edges of each freckle on your face, the curve of your smile when i made you laugh, the heat of your hands on the back of my neck and the small of my back, the dapples dancing around your pupils, how your breath felt against my fingers as you shut your eyes and kissed them, seeing me break and grabbing hold of me as to take the pain away from my core..to feel me and take on the load of emotion, and memorizing each angle of your lips as they sank into mine.
as i read in your letter that you loved me i melted. to see what i had seen in your eyes now in two forms of the best kind. to say again, it as if we are in a world of war. separated by strife and harsh people, harsh mindsets, stagnant exhistances. love letters sent over a sea of pawns in this war, some battles won, others lost, stale-mate at times, and long periods of lost connection. though when the war inside has been won, once the baracades of our cores have fought through it all, blockades dismantles, and the survivor, the warrior, the overcomer has found their way back to the homeland of eachothers souls..then the most beautiful beginnings in their lives will become an actualization. the universe will give us upon the deserving and all the pieces will mold what it had been cast years before.
we are it....
. we are the truth that the world has been seeking, and the hope that it has been wishing for. we are the dream they have every night, and the novel they is seen only in themselves when they close their eyes. we have opened our eyes, we accept and see and cannot wait to grow within and for one another. you are my gift, what i have searched for in my soul. you are my entire consuming force.
you are the one. you are the love of my life. and for now, the one that got away.
- I love you