How is it
that I can always sense
From days before
When I will see you again-
Just on mere intuition.
It's as if our hearts are drawn to each other
And yet , ironically,
are always forced apart.

She makes you think she's the darkness,
the devil's darling,
but in fact,
she's just a little girl
sitting in a corner,
with her hands wrapped around her teddy bear.

I watch chick flicks
because it is the only time  I can cry over the real matters happening in my life. They are my escape.

They say an aching soul
Breeds a beautiful painting
But with my demons on the canvas
Is beauty really what it is?

"Don't you get it?"
she cried
I've carried you on my back my whole life
One last dance isn't going to break my legs
One last kiss isn't going to cut my lips
One last hug isn't going to crack my spine
So please,
don't pretend you're rescuing me
Cause that's what might stop my heart.

Every morning
she sipped her coffee,
smoked her cigarette,
wrote him a love letter,
and cried a little bit.

I was eager to see you
Because I knew my heart needed it
I knew my mind demanded one more conversation with you
And I knew my body demanded one more touch from you
But I was also afraid to see you
Because I was afraid to get hooked
And I did..

You put down your cigarette,
got up from your chair
and started walking towards mines.
You stood behind me,
and the tip of  your hand barely touched the surface of my back.
My body shuddered completely,
making me wonder
what we were still doing as guests
at somebody else's wedding.

And now,
All I have left are the poems I wrote about you
So I keep reading them over and over again
Just to grasp a little feeling of your presence around me.

All I get are glimpses and that is insufficient.

Just catching a little glimpse of your face
Just knowing that you're still here
Alive and well
Has Ignited my body and soul
With an incredible energy
The motor to keep me going
Knowing that you'll be the reward
The tribute
At the end of my journey.

I wasn't the same after that night*.
At first I didn't notice it
But then, through the simple pleasures,
Like reading a book
Or baking a cake
Or reflecting,
I knew I had changed,
As if you altered something in my soul that night
Switched some wires
And forgot to switch them back..
Leaving me in an irregularity.

I dressed and put on my perfume
As if I were going to see you tonight
I fixed my hair and wore my stones
As if were going to see you tonight
But then I saw the thick layer of makeup masking my face
And the black surrounding my eyes...
That's when it hit me
I wasn't dressing to see you
Because If I were
I'd be in my simplest
Most naked
Most raw
Nature of human kind.

Today I noticed the stamp
On the back of my hand
It had been there all along
But today, somehow, my eyes caught the perfectly inscribed numbers
placed casually next to each other.
Suddenly, all the people around me had the exact same label engraved on the palm of their hands.
As I stared at the calligraphy of the letters and the numbers, and at the spaces between each,  
I understood the root of the code we have all lived by
I sensed the metal scraps we have allowed to engulf our skins
I painfully recognized my mind as a photocopy of another one, and another one.
So I got up, and started reading a book.

You may not be here right now,
In your tangible, distinct body
But I do stroke your hair
With every stroke of paintbrush I fill my canvases with;
I do whisper in your ears
All the words I write in my poems;
I do make love to you
All the nights I'm working on my dreams
And all the mornings I'm still working on my dreams,
Because the passion and love for them,
And for you,
Have made me lose track of time and place.
Some may think that this is not the way to love a person
But I, I believe that loving myself is the greatest form of loving you.

And 50 years from now, I'll still remember every kiss you ever gave me.