pain comes in waves
washing over you
crashing onto you
pounding onto you
the cuts in your heart
bleed
as they burn
and
sting
as the salt sinks into
the cuts
rejection comes so often that
it seems almost
natural
it keeps on
repeating
repeating
repeat
ing.

Deep breath in....
Hold for two....
Blow it out...
Over and over till
Your pulse goes down
Close your eyes
Count to ten
Don't let your anxiety win
Not again
No time for panic attacks
Try to keep calm
Reach out to your friends
They've been there all along
You aren't alone
You'll be ok...
But what if you are alone..?
What if you can't calm down?
Tell me what I'm supposed to do now
When the panic has set in
And the air has left my lungs
I will not pray.. Not a Christian
Should I curl into a ball?
Just wait for it to go away?

I am the oldest daughter,
I just wish i could be better at it.
Even though i have reasons for my actions,
Still alone with my guilt i sit.

I feel responsibilities,
That are not meant for me.
And when things are out of my control,
There's no way i can let it be.

I was raised a soldier,
Who felt like i needed to lead an army.
So now when it seems like i failed,
I hide it away but feel it sharply.
Sometimes i feel more like a parent,
Than my real parents are.
Even though i need being a child the most,
And everyday i'm fighting a mental war.

I am the monster,
I am trying to protect them from.
I hate the way i destroy,
When it's a healer i want to become.

Even though it's safe,
I still look out for the danger that may be.
Just to see,
That the only danger there really is,
Is me.

-anoeska

Each
Day
I
Pray
To slay
My depression.
Never been a quitter,
But I’d like to quit this obsession.
This obsession with my sadness.
And with my social status.
It’s like I fetishize the madness
Endlessly raging
Inside of my soul.
And I swear I don’t have
A place to just go
And lay low
For a while.

A place where I don’t
Have
To
Fake
A
Smile.

and if words could dream
they would spend each night
yearning for a way
to justify how deeply
I love you

I put on my big boy pants,
My big boy shoes,
My big boy shirt
In shaded blues.
I put on my big boy hat,
My big boy tie,
My big boy suit
And my big boy lies.
I put on my big boy smile,
My big boy pills,
My big boy dreams
Went to hell with a chill.
I put on my big boy tears,
My big boy belt,
My big boy face
To hide what I felt.
I put on my big boy job,
My big boy stress,
My big boy lonely nights
Spent behind a desk.
I put on my big boy cross,
My big boy prayer,
My big boy goodbyes
As I said how well I’d fair.
I put on my big boy rope
In my big boy cell,
Took my big boy courage,

And I killed myself.

They took my big boy clothes
And stripped me down bare
And all that was left
Was their little boy, scared.