with you.
i remember you let me in the rotation.
i remember you blowing smoke up above us.
i can't remember how it looked but i remember it was hot.
i miss you so much.
i miss everything about us
i feel so useless now
so gone and done
i wonder if you ever miss me
i assume no

I heard you got into ecstasy recently.
i hate that you abuse that
i know what it does to people.
i wish i could talk to you one more time
stop you from doing these hard drugs
i miss when me and you would just smoke
i wonder why you would do this
i wonder why you said you were happy
i just want one more conversation.
i want to tell you that i care
that i don't want him to suffer
i just want to let him know i forgive him
and i'm sorry
i just want him to know i am always here for him
i want him to know i want him to be happy
i want him to stop doing pills and codeine
i want him to never do e again
i want him to stop acid and shrooms
i am worried that he is falling down a hole
i'm worried about the cigarettes he smokes  
i'm so worried he will die
i know he is suffering
i know he's a liar when he says he is happy
i know he is sad, and so am i
i just want one more conversation
before he's
gone

no passion
no love
no poetry left inside me
he's gone
now it's just me
nothing left

college
job
career
moving out
relationships
children
old age
A whole lifetime of possibilities stands before me now
only 18 and every choice laid out
an unknown abyss only lit by a candle in my hand
what will become of me?
what will I choose?
will my life be one to end early?
will my life be filled with joy?
will I become my best possible self?
will I be trapped in the possibilities and forever immobile?
what will my life entail?
a future unknown

three years of thoughts
three years of talk
three years of glances
always someone to go to
always someone to tell
now it's just quiet.
silent.
a few glances here and there
always livid eyes with sparks of longing
but quiet.
no more thoughts
no more talk
nobody to go to
an option destroyed
no words
just eyes of i miss you and a devastating acceptance
an acceptance of the quiet
a binding look between us that has only one term:
quiet

being alone
breathing freely
knowing there is no judgement
no eyes
except my own
a lovely feeling knowing nobody can hurt me
a divine force inside me not seen by anyone
A few moments alone with myself
I might be ok in this moment forever
never going back, always silent and singular
always a fresh breeze and the carelessness
maybe loving myself is just this
being comfortably alone, nobody in sight
As if I am the last person on earth
no option of loneliness

my life has just been waiting
waiting to be done with elementary
waiting for a boyfriend
waiting to grow up
waiting to get to high school
waiting for the pain to go away
waiting to just get past this year
waiting for people to love me
waiting for him to make a move
waiting for him to come back
waiting to graduate high school
waiting...waiting...
I don't want to wait anymore
I want to enjoy my life and not be waiting for the next part
I want to love this part.
I don't know how to stop waiting