It has been so hard to keep this secret,
even harder to accept that it was who I was.
I never wanted to be,
who you wanted me to be.
You tormented me,
when all I wanted to do was prove you wrong.
I was in denial for most of my life,
never wanting to accept who I was because of what you'd say.
When I finally admitted it to myself,
I found it necessary to tell the important two.
Knowing I was accepted by them meant the world to me,
it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I thought everything was going to be okay,
hoping it would stay that way.

Unfortunately,
I was wrong.
I asked for your confidentiality,
I thought I had received it.
But,
apparently I hadn't.
Anxiously wondering what had happened,
waiting for your response.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I was ready to scream,
I wanted to run,
I wanted to be a million miles away.
But I couldn't,
I wasn't,
I was there,
living my worst nightmare.
I couldn't breakdown,
not there, not in front of them.
I had to stay level headed,
I couldn't let it get to me,
but I couldn't.
I wanted to cry,
go back to my old ways,
drown myself in misery that was my life.

That night was worst,
I was alone, hurt and emotionally unstable.
I regret what I did that night,
I promised myself,
I promised you,
I'd never do it again.
But I needed relief.
The pain was comforting,
in that moment I felt like I was okay.
Until I snapped back into reality.
This was unhealthy,
I wasn't going to let myself bleed out.
Not again,
I couldn't go to the hospital.

It took a while,
but it finally stopped.
I could breathe again.
My mind was clear,
I was able to think.
I was still angry,
but I let myself feel the emotions until they were gone.
I still couldn't believe it,
I couldn't feel,
I couldn't understand,
I couldn't.

Even though I felt betrayed,
I was betrayed,
you did me a favor.
I couldn't lie.
Not to myself,
not to you,
not to anyone else.
The truth was out.
Even though,
I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest,
mutilated and buried.
I knew
it wasn't your intention to hurt me.

You helped me,
you pushed me to do what I wanted to do for years.
It did not happen perfectly,
but it happened.
It couldn't be taken back,
I just had to deal with what had happened.
This all could have been avoided,
but my daddy tells me everything happens for a reason.
There is no need to grieve over mistakes.
Ultimately,
it's not the end of the world.
And what I gained was far more important.
Self acceptance.
I am okay with who I am.
I am okay with who I choose to love.
I am okay with life choices.
It was you who told me it would be okay.
It was you who stood by me.
It was you who did not judge or ridicule.
It was you who supported me,
from the beginning.
Thank you.