God, all this hatefulness inside of me,
I smile everyday,
So no one can see.
But it's clawing and tearing away,
until I'm gone and there's nothing left to me.
I don't know why I feel this way,
or what this is,
but I'm telling you now,
That I'm at the end and don't know how,
to stop these thoughts
bouncing around inside my head,
Everyday I picture me dead.
No, this isn't a ******* cry for help,
I'm just letting you know,
that I ******* hate myself.
Now doesn't that sound a bit dramatic,
it's not like I'm an addict,
or ******, murderer or maniac,
I'm not a psychopath
who wants to turn his back,
on his past,
or to revel in the fact,
that his family's gone,
or he's lost his home,
it's none of that.
It's just,
that I'm at the point,
where every time I close my eyes,
it's no surprise,
that these thoughts arrive,
they hide,
deep inside, deep inside so no one knows,
this calm young guy is about to blow,
with no where to go,
how to deal with it,
I don't know.
But I know that one day when,
I finally get the strength to say
"**** it all" and open up,
then they'll see,
what's been hiding here,
within my head,
they'll see this beast rip its way,
through my heart,
And any little bit that's left of me will go away.
Then I'll be,
the real true me,
don't you see that I'm on the edge
of the abyss,
that faces me.
And I'm not scared of the things that I could do,
though I should and so should you,
because locked inside,
behind a cage of seemingly innocent eyes
there truly is a beast inside,
waiting for the day
when this crazy ****** snaps the bars,
and let's him play.
That will be the day that I will disappear,
and that's the day that you should fear,
no I will not shed a tear,
because I will be done and gone,
down and out,
but it's the here and now that makes me cry out,
swelling up inside of me,
I pour fourth all these emotions,
behind closed doors for no one else to see.
Distracting myself from the shaking bars inside my chest,
is the only way to get some rest,
but it's no use,
I'm like a bomb with an invisible fuse,
And though I'm used to being used,
and can't picture myself doing those things to you,
so before I break,
before I loose,
an inner battle between me and me,
I need to go,
and free myself from the ones I love,
before it's all too late.
Here as a last act which isn't hate,
I will take myself away,
far away,
from you so that you won't suffer through,
this thing that latches on,
and keeps its grip with icy claws,
you don't need to see my flaws,
I want you to remember me as the kid I was,
so here I go,
I'm out the door,
I need to leave and start again, somewhere new,
maybe then my beast,
I will learn,
to subdue,
but until that day when you're safe
for me to be me,
I will stay away,
far, far away.