when my pen comes to paper all i can write about is.. you.
ah it's been a while now since we last talked and i haven't been okay since. it's not like i'm ever okay but talking to you made me feel not so numb. not numb. made me feel. you made my heart beat when all i wanted it to do is stop,
you made me feel complete when i was nothing but empty all my life,
you gave me a purpose when i always believed that life has none,
you changed me. completely.
i don't know if it's to better or to worse but i'm thankful to you for both.
some days though, my heart fills up with so much hatred and my lungs fill up with unbounded rage and all i want to do in that moment is make you feel the pain i did when you left. i want you to hurt so much that it becomes unbearable for you to hold on anymore. other days i feel so much regret it's overwhelming and all i want to do is rewind time and make it right again. i need to make it right again. i have to make it right, but i can't.  i wonder how i can have so much love in me yet so much hate, it's like i want to choke you to death yet sleep in your arms. your words are like daggers and the more you speak, the more i bleed. the more you speak, the more my chest heaves and i feel like i've lost as much oxygen needed for me to breath. less each time. you'll leave me breathless one day and i don't mean it as a metaphor. it's not a metaphor. my suffering will never be a metaphor because i can't compare. i believe pain is perceived differenlty from one person to another and somehow i feel my suffering is the worst. everyone feels like their suffering is the worst.
with you, it's always a charade. a guess. a thought. a feeling. you're unpredictable, and god i love this about you. you're not perfect. perfect is flawless and you're flawful and with every flaw i yet get to discover, i fall deeper in love. i fall deep. i fall but i get up. i get up to prove you wrong, oh how i love to do that. maybe i am a little bit too obsessed with you? okay too much and you've got no idea how much i hate myself for it. i'm the sinner and my sin was getting attached to you. ugh, when will this go away?
when will you go away?
when will i ever stop thinking about you?
when will i move on?
questions that i have no answers to and answers i think too much about.
you didn't love me, you did not care or at least not the way i wanted you to. one sided. my feelings are always one sided. sometimes i wish i was born with none.
you left.
you left.
you ******* left and you are not coming back and i know it's my fault but you took my feelings with you, and i can't feel anything anymore. i need to feel. i need to feel in order to move on and i guess you didn't want that. you crave attention and you know i am willing to give you all of mine, for that you used me. betrayed me. more than once. and yet, i keep thinking so good of you because i believe the good inside you overlaps the bad. you're ****** up but that's what made me love you. i love you.